I feel lost, weak and empty

[AcceptanceAT]

Hey. I can´t judge for myself so i´m labeling this ST.

My brother has metastatic cancer. My father drinks too much and told us, his children, that he´s on the verge of a burnout. My sister is living alone on the other side of the country and spending almost every waking hour working or stressing about work to cope with all that´s been going on. I´ve been unemployed for a year and a half by now. I´ve been volunteering 2 hours a day for this project in the hopes I could get a job there but they said no.

I´m constantly living from a vague hope to another. I feel useless. I feel weak. Today getting out of bed was a real struggle. Yesterday I couldn´t stop myself from crying in front of my brother. I´ve been so depressed, for so long. I feel like I should just push through, be a fighter, never surrender and keep on looking for a job, but I´m constantly restarting those behaviors I want to turn to habits because I lose myself soon before they become habits. It´s like nothing sticks. I have plans made and written out, I know a lot about what works and what doesn´t, but I look at all the uncertainties, not knowing if I should look for a job outside the country when I don´t even want to leave my town now that my brother has these things on his lungs. I want to be close to my family but at the same time I feel like there´s no place for me here. I don´t even know if there´s a place for me anywhere.

I´m so lost, and so sad. If I could spend the day sleeping I would. Even with the nightmares. My mind is constantly pulling me away from reality, to this fantasy world where I can relive altered versions of my past. I´m so scared of the present, so scared of real life, and I don´t know why. Calling people seems too hard, I haven´t written in my journal in a really long time, where did all the hope and excitement go? I´m in my twenties, it was time to explore, to learn, to grow, to work and do what I love. Instead of living my dream, I can´t find a job, I´m stuck at home, I´m depressed and I´m worried about my family´s well-being and about my own well-being. I don´t understand why I´ve been feeling so tormented, making me so dysfunctional, for such a long time, when my brother and sister manage to stay afloat, and work, and do stuff. I see other people moving forward, getting their practitioners license and I still haven´t found the job to lead me to it. I worked so hard to get where I was, but even when I graduated, even when I got the success I wanted, I was already spiraling, and I have been ever since.

How do I get out of here, how can I make myself live in this reality, where is all my energy going, I constantly feel depleted. I used to feel sort of proud that I avoided all those coping mechanisms like alcohol or drugs or other stuff people around me got hooked on. But now I think that I have my own addiction, and it´s a lot more invisible to everyone else but me. I escape to a corner of my mind that becomes my whole mind and I lose touch with reality in those moments. It´s like I live a different life inside my head and my head would rather live there than here.

For heaven´s sake, this isn´t sustainable, this isn´t healthy, I don´t even feel like this could be solved with self-violence anymore, it´s like I´m past ever coming out of this rut.

Thanks for listening.

Love all,

AcceptanceAT

[Chessgirl]

Sitting with you. Sounds like you a rough time you are experiencing. Try to remember that this will past. Better days will certainly come eventually. I think you are doing an amazing job. When I was in my twenties, I was still in denial about so much. I had so much potential and opportunities but I threw so much away. I sabotaged my own success if my mother didn’t do it for me. I had started therapy but it’s like it just didn’t stick yet at that point. It might not feel like it, but you are progressing. You are more self aware and more wise. I understand retreating to that place in your mind and feeling like life is passing you by. I feel like I lose a lot of time by being in that dream like state. The fact you are addressing the problem is so great though.

As for the job, I’m so sorry you are experiencing this stress. I would feel discouraged to after devoting so much time into volunteering to be let down so hard. There are other people here who are trying to find a fulfilling job. I’ve been in that place before too. I’m taking some time away from work and feel so fortunate that I can at this time. However, I don’t want to stay home forever. i knkw eventually i need to find work that will be rewarding wnd reasonable for me. its scary to think about and worry about. just knkw you are not alone. we are here and we care. you have so much time ahead of you. i feel positive jt will fall into place.

[Kokoschka]

AcceptanceAT,
I join Chessgirl in reassuring you that this bad time you are having is not going to last forever. Situations in life do change, when we less expect them to. I know this is very difficult for you to believe now but please do. Trust yourself, you have the courage and power in you to move on. l think we here have all been there at several points in our lives respectively we're still fighting and trying to improve our lives.You are so young and there's so much to do and live for. Please don't give up. We are all here for you, to listen, to comment if you wish us too, to hold your hand or just to sit and share a cup of coffee or tea with you if you'd like.

Thinking of you, Kokoschka

[Harbor]

Hi AcceptanceAT

That's a lot to shoulder, and much of it is not within your control.

But you HAVE controlled not falling into harmful addictions, which is helpful. And you HAVE continued to restart behaviors that you want to turn into habits, which is wonderful in that you have not given up on those plans.

I find it helpful to focus on the things I can change, Sometimes when things feel unmanageable in one aspect of my life, I pivot to something I can focus on and succeed at. Recently I was feeling generally overwhelmed and decided to focus on the very worst corner of a disorganized room. Having succeeded at that corner, I felt I could improve the whole room with just a little more effort. Finally the whole room looked good, and I like to go in there and admire it from time to time.

I wonder if it would be helpful to choose one of your behaviors that you want to turn into a habit, and easy one, and focus on arranging your life to succeed at that one thing.

[Tryingtostayafloat]

Hi AcceptanceAT,

It's so hard when you feel lost and sad all the time. I really feel you on that, I also find it easier disappearing into that alternative fantasy. Then I get annoyed at myself for being unable to be present. It's hard when you feel your world is crumbling and it seems like others are able to piece the world together and navigate through life's struggles with ease. It's like no matter how many hoops you jump through the finish line just always feels out if reach.

It sounds like you have so much going on with your family and are really feeling all the emotion as well as trying to hold your own and that's ok, I'm sorry for what you have been through and the things you are still going through. I also agree with chessgirl and kokoschka, this won't be forever sometimes we just have to strap ourselves in and hold on for the ride.
For you to even understand this at such a young age, is a massive achievement, Well done for that! When I was your age I was still living a completely disacociated life, it wasn't until my 30's that my light switch back on, its just so hard to keep on, I feel safer when I allow myself to slip away too. The real world seems frightening and unknown, I have no control over it.

Sometimes I feel I just need to allow myself time to feel what I'm feeling and when I get the chance I put on some sad songs and I just cry until I can't cry no more. If I'm lucky I may begin a painting or write. If not I just get my weighted blanket an d just be.
Is there anything you really enjoy doing?

I'm here with you

[Jonesy]

Hi AcceptanceAT

Your post spoke right to my heart, as my daughter (who is also in her 20s) is experiencing many emotions similar to yours right now.
I just want to come and scoop you up. It's so hard to watch someone fighting these feelings.

Calling people seems too hard, I haven´t written in my journal in a really long time, where did all the hope and excitement go?

Sorry if I have missed it, but do you have someone to talk to? Have you seen your doctor?
Try not to be afraid of opening up to a friend, you don't need to go into too many details. Maybe something as simple as:
"Hi friend, sorry I have been rubbish at keeping in touch lately but I wanted to let you know that I'm really struggling right now with my mental health. I don't need you to have any answers and please don't worry about not having the 'right' words. Just to know you are here is enough."
Our friends can't help if they don't know.

I do believe that this time will pass for you, just buckle in right now - it has to get better.

[AcceptanceAT]

Hello, Chessgirl, Kokoschka, Harbor, Tryingtostayafloat and Jonesy.

Thank you so much for everything you said.

I kept trying to read what you wrote but it got so hard I had to print the entire page and underline it so the words sunk in. I´ve been avoiding hurting myself all morning. I´m going to keep these pages with your words on them on my desk so I have another thing to do before I turn to self-harm. Like Tryingtostayafloat said, I have to control not falling into harmful addictions. And self-harm is an addiction. I just have to keep in mind that the possibility of giving me some respite will never last and it will definitely drag me deeper down. I´m going to focus on answering the questions you asked me and on writing the things you said that brought me hope. I will rely on the kindness of strangers today and have faith in your wisdom.

Dear Harbor, my main focus right now is to avoid hurting myself, in whichever way I can. In the midst of that, I´ve found dancing. So, apart from the habits I´m trying not to fall in, I want to keep on moving my body and keep in contact with my closest friends and family, so I can keep on giving and receiving support.

Dear Tryingtostayafloat, there are many things I enjoy doing, it was a pleasant exercise to list them, all the things that just give me a healthy pleasure, without having to make me feel guilty or pressured. It was insightful: Playing Just Dance, talking to my friends, listening to music, playing Sims, learning, drinking hot cocoa, watching a good show or movie and looking out the window. It´s so strange to realize how simple and accessible all these things are.

Dear Jonesy, I have been closer to my friends these last few days, and I´ve updated them on my situation. They too are struggling with different things, it was so sad to see the most balanced member of our "gang" admit being depressed. But in the middle of all this, I´ve always been able to be there for my people, and I know I can help this friend with these struggles right at the same time she is helping me with mine. Friendships are such a treasure in my life. I´m so blessed in that regard. I also have a therapist, and we have been doing such heavy work on my demons, my shame, my pain, my denials and, recently, my anger (turns out I direct it towards myself before I even realize I´m feeling it). She´s good and caring, it´s just a bad time to be facing the big demons of my past at the same time I´m facing these big demons in my present. I´ve been making an effort to keep on scheduling consults with her.

Right now, I´m going to do this next part just to help myself. I´m going to write here some of the things you wrote that struck me the most, as a way to anchor my mind on something real and good and wholesome. Thank you, so so much.

Sitting with you.
This will pass.
I think you are doing an amazing job.
You are progressing.
You are more self aware and more wise.
You are addressing the problem is so great.
Just know you are not alone.
We are here and we care.
You have so much time ahead of you.
Situations in life do change, when we less expect them to.
I know this is very difficult for you to believe now but please do.
Trust.
You have the courage and power in you to move on.
We´re still fighting and trying to improve our lives.
You are so young.
Don´t give up.
We are all here for you.
To hold your hand or just sit with you.
Thinking of you.
You Have controlled not falling into harmful addictions.
You Have continued to restart behaviours that you want to turn into habits.
You have not given up on those plans.
Helpful to focus on the things I can change.
Pivot to something I can focus on and succeed at.
I like to go there and admire it from time to time.
Safe Harbor is a state of mind.
You are really feeling all the emotion as well as trying to hold your own and that´s ok.
I´m sorry for what you have been through.
And the things you are still going through.
We just have to strap ourselves in and hold on.
I feel safer when I allow myself to slip away too.
I just need to allow myself time to feel what I´m feeling.
Cry until I can´t cry no more.
If I´m lucky I may begin a painting or write.
If not I just get my weighted blanket and just be.
Is there anything you really enjoy doing?
Your post spoke right to my heart.
I just want to come and scoop you up.
Try not to be afraid of opening up to a friend.
Just to know you are here is enough.
Our friends can´t help if they don´t know.
I do believe this time will pass for you.
Just buckle in right now - it has to get better.
You are important.

I feel different now. I´m going to give this day another try. Thank you all.

Love,

AcceptanceAT

[Jonesy]

Hi AcceptanceAT

I´m going to write here some of the things you wrote that struck me the most, as a way to anchor my mind on something real and good and wholesome.

I really love what you did

[Chessgirl]

Such a smart idea! Thank you for sharing that with us. I may try this sometime for myself.

[Harbor]

Dancing! Excellent!