New here - not sure if this is right forum

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

Moderators: Harmony, quixote, ajei

Post Reply
eagleswings
Member
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Mar 26, 2013 1:25 am

New here - not sure if this is right forum

Post by eagleswings »

First time here, uncertain if it’s a place I ‘belong’ or ‘fit in’; but here goes:

Periodic episodes of treatment-resistant major depression (but with the curse of being highly functional depression), constant social anxiety, dysthymia, CPTSD (childhood PTSD), RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), and meds, oh god the meds - antidepressants of all kinds, anti-psychotic, stimulants, everything from Adderall to Zoloft (current ‘cocktail’: Adderall, Lamictal, Wellbutrin, Lorazepam, Seroquel, Zoloft, and Gabapentin) and back again (and I’m still no better, if anything my brain is probably even more screwed up); years and years and years of therapy, 2 hospitalizations, suicidal ideations and attempts . . . .
Hellish childhood - abuse, neglect, trauma – leading to a life of abject loneliness, self-isolation, devoid of friendships, ruinous relationships, devoid of any meaning or accomplishments, college drop-out, aimlessly wandering through life, never finding a home or my true self, homeless at times, living on the outskirts of society, always on the outside looking in, longing to be ‘inside’, to be a part of that vibrant life there. Always dependent on others, like some sort of social parasite.
Now 71, wife and I living in a retirement community where even after a year, I have no sense of ‘fitting in’ – white, middle upper class, well educated, retiring from long years of professional lives. I’ve almost enjoyed the pandemic shut-downs and stay-at-home life, and now almost dread all the opening up - cocktail parties, neighborhood get-togethers, dinner invitations - all things where I feel horribly out-of-place.
Have very limited social skills, virtually no conversational skills, always feeling people can see through me and see al of my ‘story’ – a story I feel so, so, so ashamed of, not worthy of any empathy, let alone love.

So, 71 years ago, August 1949, coming into the world. Unwanted, unloved, another burden. Knowing the family I came to know in the years ahead, imagining there were no smiles, no cuddling, no feelings of security, terrified, not knowing how I was going to survive in a cold, cold, cold world – physically and emotionally. Many years later I would read about these experiments with monkeys where one monkey was kept in a cage by itself, no contact with it’s mother, week after week after week, curled up in a corner, not eating, not even moving. Which reminds me later as I was cleaning an old shed I came across this ‘crib-like’ structure. It was made out of rough lumber and 2x4s, the bottom was a good 18” above the floor and had slatted boards. The sides of this ‘crib’ were about 3’ high and made out of hardware cloth (hard metal fencing). It took a minute to realize what it was, and once I did, I felt to the floor and just screamed and screamed and screamed until I blacked out.
I was the sixth of 7 kids – 6 boys, 1 girl – both of my ‘parents’ (it’s hard for me to write words like that, I know the meanings of them, but I can’t make them fit or describe how they actually were – it’s like I feel I grew up as an orphan, trapped in a world of hell) – anyways, both parents were mentally ill. My ‘father’ was an untreated paranoid schizophrenic, trapped in his own dark world – wanting nothing to do with the ‘outside’ world either for himself or for any of the rest of our ‘family’. My ‘mother’ suffered with major depression, trapped in a life of trying to cope with a husband who was close to being a monster, having to raise all 7 of us kids virtually by herself, all in a world of abject poverty. In a ‘house’ cobbled together by a madman – foot thick concrete walls, rough concrete floors, heat and cook by wood, no bathrooms, one cold water spigot in the kitchen, main ‘living’ areas in basement with windows high up, no toilets (only indoor ‘privies’; no bedrooms, my mother slept in a corner of the kitchen. The rest of us (including my ‘father’ who slept in this king-sized bed in the middle of the area – and who always slept in his clothes, washed maybe once a year) had to sleep in the unfinished upper floor - no heat, no insulation (in winter waking up to seeing frost on all the nailheads, and a thick coating of rime on the windows), all open (no rooms, we each had a ‘section’ for our bed, no closets, except my sister’s 'section’ enclosed with opaque, dirty canvas and a ‘door’). Old overcoats for blankets.

Enough for now.
Harmony
Site Admin
Site Admin
Posts: 7561
Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:10 pm

Re: New here - not sure if this is right forum

Post by Harmony »

Welcome eagleswings,

Good job with the first post. Hope to see you more around the forums. We understand here.

Harmony
Serenity
Director
Director
Posts: 4145
Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2016 4:13 pm

Re: New here - not sure if this is right forum

Post by Serenity »

Hi eagleswings. I'm sorry for the reasons, but glad you are here. I hope you find the care and support that you need.

With care,
Serenity
Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: New here - not sure if this is right forum

Post by Kokoschka »

Hello Eagleswings💐🙏
Sorry for the reasons that bring you here. Wish for you that you find a place among us, we all welcome you and are here to listen and comfort whenever you feel the need.

Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: New here - not sure if this is right forum

Post by Chessgirl »

Welcome!
You do belong here with us. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. Want to add more but I’m having trouble finding the right words right now. Relapsed the other day on adderal, Xanax and Valium and alcohol after having been sober for several months. It’s been rough today.. didn’t mean to make this about me, but I understand. Never give up. You are doing great by coming here and seeking this support. It’s been helpful for me. Good luck!
Chessgirl
there
Member
Posts: 9795
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: New here - not sure if this is right forum

Post by there »

eagles wings,
Sorry, it sounds so very harsh.
My mother had untreated schizophrenia. As a child, if I had even been told she had an illness, even without great knowledge of what that meant, I may very well have taken her a lot less personally and been less wounded. Not that it was all on her.
Hindsight, yeah.
I feel so sad reading what extremes you grew up in.
But you’re an amazement to have lived to 71. You write well.

Welcome to I survive.
All women are beautiful. Period.
I deserve better than survival.
eagleswings
Member
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Mar 26, 2013 1:25 am

Re: New here - not sure if this is right forum

Post by eagleswings »

Thank you all for your responses. It helps me to not feel so alone. And it helps me to realize I am able to empathize with you - there, Chessgirl (sorry to hear about the relapse, but know all too well how crappy it is), Kokoschka (someday I'd like to know more about your username).
Unfortunately, my first post was only the tip of the iceberg as they say; but feeling I want to share more over time, and to hear more of your stories.
Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: New here - not sure if this is right forum

Post by Kokoschka »

Morning eagleswings,
At our age we shouldn't postpone things for some day🙄😉 l'm pushing 70, almost there. So in this specific case though l love Oskar Kokoschka's work (if that's why you asked,) it's one of the many names l use for Coco, our snow-white cat lady.

Again, l'm really sorry to read about the horrible times you went through. I can relate to the loneliness, sadness, the not being loved and wanted, the depression, always being outside looking in, never really belonging anywhere. Always thinking about how people see me, what they think of me.
Missing not having friends but finding the act of establishing a relationship just overwhelming because l can't deliver and people will just drop me again. But by now also relief at not being one of the crowd. Accepting that l'm different and that this is perfectly fine.

Wishing you a good day, Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Post Reply