First post

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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littlered
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Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Mar 05, 2021 3:07 am

First post

Post by littlered »

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting and I am not sure how I feel. Then again I am not sure how I feel about anything. Recently I have been processing my childhood trauma. I've been recovering from a brain injury this last year and home bound because of it. I have lost all of my regular coping mechanisms and find myself in a downward spiral. I think because I have had so much time on my hands, memories of sexual abuse have been coming up.
My step-grandpa molested and raped me from ages 6-10(rough estimate), I've been having so many memories come back to me and I am incredibly overwhelmed. I've been working with a therapist extensively, and I am in school full-time as a 3rd year Psychology student. The more I learn about the impacts trauma has on development the more hopeless I feel. I can't even talk about the abuse without disassociating, most of my day is spent trying not to kill myself or fail my classes. An interesting combination for sure. I will spend the week amping myself up to talk details about the abuse to my therapist, then when the time comes I try to talk about it, freeze and leave my body. Does anyone else experience this or have tips on how to counteract it? It all feels like my fault, why can't I manage my emotions better, why can't I control my cognitive distortions, why didn't I tell anyone when I was a kid... I just feel like an absolute horrible person and like I am drowning in shame.
Sorry if my post is a little scattered, I'm not sure what I am trying to say; I think that I just don't want to feel so alone.
Anyways peace, love and strength to you all <3
Jonesy
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Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:44 pm

Re: First post

Post by Jonesy »

Hi littlered

A very warm welcome to isurvive, glad you found us.
Many of us will relate to these words...
littlered wrote: Wed Mar 10, 2021 10:12 pm It all feels like my fault, why can't I manage my emotions better, why can't I control my cognitive distortions, why didn't I tell anyone when I was a kid...
Sounds like you have a very full plate right now. Hopefully you will soon feel at home here and benefit from the support on offer.
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
Kokoschka
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Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: First post

Post by Kokoschka »

Hello Littlered and welcome🙏🦋💐,
Though l've not experienced sa l want to welcome you here and assure you that you are completely safe and guarded among us.
Many here can relate to your experience and feelings and l'm sure they'll be here soon to support and comfort you.

In the meantine l wish you courage and perseverance to carry on with your therapy and studies.

Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Serenity
Director
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Posts: 4145
Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2016 4:13 pm

Re: First post

Post by Serenity »

Hi and welcome, littlered. I'm sorry for the reasons, but glad you are here. Have you talked to your therapist about the dissociation? They should be able to help you learn some grounding techniques, and find the best approach for you.

With care,
Serenity
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