Self reflection

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Crow
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Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Self reflection

Post by Crow »

You know, we have all experienced and live with the pain of abuse in its many different forms. We all know what it is like to live with the struggles we have, the overthinking, the hypervigilance, the self esteem issues... I could go on.
We have all known and in many cases still experience gaslighting, scapegoating, rejection, and point blank ignoring for absolutely no reason!
Confusion reigns.
But one thing I'll make clear, is that I strive to treat others as I wish to be treated. I sympathise and empathise with others. I seek to see the good in people (often to my detriment). I remember what it is like to be ignored. I remember the pain of rejection.
People in life make judgements without knowing people properly, that's human nature apparently. People can be really hurtful for no reason - I think we all know what that feels like.
So, I ask the question then... do we reflect enough on ourselves and the way we treat others, and see to it that we do not repeat those things that were done to us?
I'll ask another question... do we realise when we take our own insecurities and project them on someone else?
This is not a self righteous rant, because believe me, I make mistakes just like a lot of people do. But I hate it when I am the victim of injustice! I hate it when I open up... make myself vulnerable... and then am effectively laughed at, sidelined, ignored, and rejected.
All I do is put myself out for people. I put others' needs first often. I look out for the best interests of those around me.
My work situation before Christmas proved how hurt I can get. I'm still angry now because I did not do anything to warrant that treatment from that woman... an older person who also knew what rejection felt like. I also went out of my way to help that member of staff get recognition for their efforts and try to genuinely boost their self esteem.
So, we come to an even harder situation. What about when everything above happens to you by someone who has been through the same thing as you? When they too know how hurtful it is? When they would be considered 'family' because they know the pain and rejection suffered as a child in abuse? And, they too know about the situation I had at work. I'm talking about my own struggles with how I feel about another situation I am facing... when you trust someone. Help someone. Guide someone's feelings. Encourage them. And then they ignore and reject me with no reason or explanation. They too know what it feels like, and that makes it even worse.
It says more about them as a person to be honest! Their insecurities are not my problem. I won't carry them. But I do carry the pain and upset that it causes.
When a safe place suddenly brings anxiety and a trusted person treats you like you are not there... does that hurt you? Make certain then not to make someone else feel that way.
Do we take a good hard look at ourselves enough?
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Eagle
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Posts: 126
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:24 pm

Re: Self reflection

Post by Eagle »

Wow Crow

That’s a pretty big shot across the bow. If it’s me that you feel has slighted you I sincerely apologies with all my heart. I would never intentionally do that. Hurting others is one of my worst fears. As you said, I’d never want to do to others the crap I had to go through.

I will throw this out there, because I know it’s something I have to deal with. I read a lot. Sometimes what I read hurts me. I might want to respond, but I don’t know how. I will wait and see what others say. My hope is they will find the words, because I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. Other times I will read threads that show an outpouring of pain. But, it’s pain I have no way to relate to it. I feel it’s better to stay on the sideline and let others more familiar with the issue, or the person, to jump to the rescue. If I feel I can add something I will, but I’m not experienced enough here yet, to blindly walk in and unintentionally make matters worse.

Sorry something has made you feel this way. Hopefully you will find it wasn’t intentional.

Eagle
Crow
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Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Self reflection

Post by Crow »

Oh no! Eagle, I'm so sorry you thought anything like that :o
No, no, no. You see, this is what happens when I dare to step out of the normal well balanced me and just roll with how I am feeling and post something like this... I'm so sorry. Please no one take offence at this. I realise reading it back now it looks as it is - a bit harsh! It wasn't aimed at anyone as such. It was merely me posting how I was feeling... in a safe space where I'm allowed to say it how it is.

I'll finish this in another post. Just want to reassure you Eagle that I'm the sort of person that will talk if I can with people about issues - I like to get things sorted out for all involved in anything.

Please know though that this was just me putting thoughts out there...

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Self reflection

Post by Crow »

I've had a really hard day today emotionally. I've been facing some tough things, and in the midst of it all I am dealing with some personal struggles that I'm not enjoying.

I actually wrote that original post out on my phone in my memos with no intention of posting it here. It was a general how I'm feeling about things. This afternoon I had to drive to the town where I worked recently, and as I drove past the road where the building was I got so worked up inside. I felt the anger come back from that ongoing situation with my ex work colleague ignoring me, and me still to this day not having an explanation or proper reason why.
I also was already worked up having spent hours going through childhood records.

I'll touch on something else - hence the trigger warning as MT... religious/faith stuff.
I became a believer in Christ back in 2014. I'd always struggled with the idea of the institutional church (I won't share my views on that or what Biblical church looks like) and to be totally transparent, the so called church hasn't exactly been a source of support. I won't get into all that, but what I will say is that my experience is that of hypocrisy and favouritism, and excluding us too.
One day more recently I shared with an older gentleman who was supporting us through a difficult patch in faith (two years ago faith was wrecked) my child abuse, and my struggles at that time. Without going into details, he stated that he was a survivor too, and he listened and supported me, but then came the conditions... I needed to forgive my abuser. (I understand what forgiveness is because I look at the cross... or I did... do? Anyway, I know that forgiveness is to free me from the hurt that I hold, not about whether I'm letting my abuser off the hook.) Keeping this short, he kept telling me over the weeks that I hadn't really forgiven her! He tried to tell me that week in week out. Then came the usual cutting me out and silence... ignoring. There is so much to it when it comes to church folk and their hypocrisy and not practicing what they preach. My experience with these so called christians has been dire.

I guess also, I've been reflecting on my own actions. How do I treat others, particularly when I'm of low mood? Or if they have different opinions, how do I treat them?
The point of the post was to ask all of us truthfully, do we check our actions and behaviour from time to time? Are we really honest enough with ourselves?
Part of my reflection the last few weeks whilst I've been offline has taken that into account also.

I'm sincerely sorry if my original post has caused concern to anyone!

It has been a hard day. It has been a hard long while. You've seen another side to me I suppose... :roll:
There are people in my life who will know who they are, family, so called friends, acquaintances, survivors of sorts, who know if they really look at themselves that they have acted unfairly and unjustly. I guess I tried to encourage us all in probably the wrong way, to look at ourselves occasionally and see if the words we speak are that of the actions we actually take.

I'm an encourager through and through, but I guess today I got it wrong with my emotions the way they were.

Sorry.
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Eagle
Member
Posts: 126
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:24 pm

Re: Self reflection

Post by Eagle »

Not a problem Crow.

I know exactly what you’re saying now. I’ve been down that road myself. My brother tends to be a little over zealous with his spiritual beliefs and try’s to convince everyone they have to believe exactly like he does. I think, cross my fingers, I’ve finally convinced him it doesn’t work that way.

You’re fine Crow and your feelings about that acquaintance are justified. His approach is not a helpful one.

Eagle
coconuts
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Posts: 5839
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Self reflection

Post by coconuts »

I think you are fine crow. Sometimes we need to check ourselves and our preconceived notions. Assumptions we fully understand another's pain. Sometimes advice comes off as judgement.

Sometimes people's assumptions of what healing is and what healing requires it based on insecurities and just plain lack of compassion and understanding. I've been told to pray harder. That I don't have enough faith. That my lack of healing is my fault. For not forgiving. For not working hard enough or being brave enough.

It's a fat load of bs. Healing isn't easy it linear. The path is different for each of us. For some forgiveness is the answer. For some justice. And for some of us neither is an option. How could it be? I was angry at god for a while. Mad that I did everything right. And still suffered. Mad that mistreatment found me again and again. I tried it all. I prayed. I read scriptures. I did everything right. And still every night the nightmares come. I go to therapy. I treat people right. And it's not enough. And eventually I realized it didn't matter. There is no magic answer. No silver bullet. It's unfair, hard work and grit. And we can take the support we can find and try and ignore the rest. Let other people's issues be theirs.

When I remarried my husband I knew it would take me seeing his judgement of me as his problem not mine. I've been thru he'll and back. I try to do good to be good. But I fight this battle every day. Regardless of forgiveness or faith not a single day goes by that something doesn't remind me of the pain. The nightmares come most nights of the week.

All that means is I understand the battle. I understand pain. But even so I don't understand your particular fight. And that's okay. I still stand and witness and offer what I can. And if I give out pain, I sure as heck hope that someone calls me out. We all need correction, we all need reflection. Sometimes those moments are harder than others. Sometimes if I can't find the right words I stay silent. Sometimes I even run and hide from others pain because it's too much. But in my heart. I truly care.

You're a good man crow. We all fight the war. The battle you're in right now is tough. But you are a fighter. You are a kind soul. I think you are brave. The place you are right now takes courage. To fight for healing. To fight to be acknowledged and treated with decency. You're an example of all that to your family. I have no doubt you make them proud.

Coconuts
Last edited by Harmony on Mon Mar 08, 2021 4:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from NT to MT due to language
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Self reflection

Post by Crow »

Coconuts... your post is spot on! Wise words as usual :)
I relate to so much of it. Not all of it, but a lot of it.
coconuts wrote: Mon Mar 08, 2021 5:55 am I've been told to pray harder. That I don't have enough faith. That my lack of healing is my fault. For not forgiving. For not working hard enough or being brave enough.
I've been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour far too many times... for many things in life. It's sad.

I could quote and comment on so much of your post... it's great to read someone feel the same.
coconuts wrote: Mon Mar 08, 2021 5:55 am We all need correction, we all need reflection. Sometimes those moments are harder than others.
There's so much value in that statement. And ultimately that was the basis of my original post.
Thank you for echoing that sentiment coconuts.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
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