A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.
Sorry you had to endure that after such an ordeal writing that letter
Thank you. Yeah it was exhausting and upsetting after how much time and energy I spent on the letter. I woke up very angry about it today. I actually fired off a text to my cousins wife saying that just because I don’t have a close relationship with my aunt, doesn’t mean I am untrustworthy. I said the fact I’m in recovery is irrelevant also. I said I may send the letter, as I feel I have nothing to lose. One of my biggest regrets was not telling my grandparents of the abuse before they died. I was always too afraid and thought the info would be too disturbing to handle. I feel I let myself and grandparents down by not telling them.
She called me after the text. Said that she does believe me . She recommended a book about emotional incest, which I had mentioned in my letter (about how my mother was emotionally incestuous with my brother). She said this book she recommends talks about how people, like my brother, can be abused but not even realize that’s what it was. That my brother has gotten a lot out of my parents (career, house, literally everything) and so my brother will never see anything they did as abusive. She also told me my aunt is super defensive of my dad and she doesn’t want to know anything that might threaten their relationship. My cousins wife said my aunt grew up in a bubble with loving parents and doesn’t understand or believe that abuse ever really happens. She said that I should take my aunt to lunch or coffee and start by trying to get her to see me as a responsible, normal person (unlike what my parents have depicted) and then ask if she would be ok with me sharing my story. She said I need to ease my aunt into it. My cousins wife was much more validating over the phone than she was with her texts. I finished the convo feeling much better. I don’t think I will go through all the trouble to make my aunt believe me, but at least my cousin and his wife know the whole story. I told my fiancé that if something happens and my mom ends up hurting or killing someone then maybe they will see then. I can’t say I didn’t try to warn someone.
Maybe easing your aunt into it is a good way to go. But similarly, maybe just sending a copy of that letter would also be good. I mean, it isn't your responsibility to make your aunt feel okay and prime her to believe you. You don't need to do that. But I do understand where your cousin's wife is coming from. It's difficult. Ultimately, you need to decide whether you can live with your aunt not knowing the truth... particularly after you saying how you regret not telling your grandparents. Tough decision!
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Woke up very angry about everything. I’m not mad at my cousins wife, as she was just trying to warn me so I would not get my hopes up. I’m mad that my aunt and extended family blindly believes my parents and hasn’t reached out once to see how me or my daughter are. I am considering sending the whole raw story I wrote about my abuse to my aunt and some other extended family members. At this point I don’t care if they don’t believe me or if it hinders my relationship with them more. I want them to KNOW and have heard what I have to say about what happened to me. If they want to continue to ignore me and join my parents for holidays, they can do that. They can sleep at night with themselves and my words may echo in their minds. I don’t see this as me having much to lose here. I’m not gonna do it today because I need to add some more to my story.... I also want to give it some time and not act impulsively. If I still feel this way by this weekend, I’m gonna start sending out some emails. Does anyone else want their families to know their stories, like from your point of view?
From my perspective reading this Chessgirl, I'm in total agreement with your proposed course of action. You have stated some clear facts. You are wise not to act impulsively, although I have a sneaky suspicion that come the weekend your thoughts won't have changed!
I can't advise, but if it were me I would send the emails now.
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
I told my aunt and uncle about my abuse last year. Not detailed but enough. My aunt cried with me. We spoke again a little on my bringing it up last week, but I find it awkward. She is my dad's sister so I'm careful not to say too much that would indicate how I feel towards my dad... why do I do that?!
They don't much like my mum anyway, so it doesn't change a lot. But my dad and my aunt are very close. I couldn't tell her about my dad's dismissiveness, burying his head all those years, the abuse from him at times. So I guess it's not that easy to tell them the whole truth...
It shouldn't be for us to worry about though. But it does worry us.
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Thanks so much for your input crow! It really feels good to have someone who understands too. I was worried I was feeling or acting crazy to want to send these emails, but maybe it’s not all that irrational after all. So I ended up sending my aunt an Email (not sharing my story, but asking to go to coffee so I can share my side of the story). We will see what she says! I told her in the email that my biggest regret was not telling my grandparents (her parents) so I feel a strong pull to tell her. I told her the story she had most likely gotten from my parents (as to the reason I went no contact) was most likely extremely different to my own . I have a feeling she may write back and say she doesn’t want to hear what I have to say! My partner is worried her response might trigger me or upset me greatly. I told him I’m going to try to be ok with whatever response I get. The point of this whole thing is so I don’t live with anymore regrets about keeping my story a secret and allowing my name to be smeared. I can’t sit back and let that happen without at least being able to say I tried.
I’m glad you shared your experience with your aunt. My aunt is also super close with my dad. I think she might not be ok with hearing anything negative about her brother. It’s so frustrating how people can’t at least be open to hearing about it! I mean I know it might cause discomfort but how do they think I feel? Did you feel slightly better after telling your aunt? Like are you glad you did?
We back you to do whatever you think you need to do. I have written the letters and just stored them away. But i so want to write a letter to go against my letters i was forced to write at 12. Where i had to proclaim myself a liar to all the extended family. I've only been able to clear that up with one person. An aunt. When i told her she just hugged me and told me how sorry she was. But i don't think i could face my other aunt. Dad, or grandma. It stops there. Im not strong enough. I figure when they die they will know the truth. You are so strong and brave. I respect that you arent being impulsive, thats such a good trait.
Chessgirl wrote: ↑Wed Apr 21, 2021 6:09 pm
Did you feel slightly better after telling your aunt? Like are you glad you did?
Yeah, I was glad that I did. Sure, I felt a bit doubtful afterwards and started to think I shouldn't have, but it felt good to have told someone else. They were in the dark and knew nothing of it, and so there wasn't the complications of trying to tell my side of a story, because there was no story to set straight.
I felt bad afterwards though for them. I just dumped it on them in an emotional moment talking about something entirely different.
My uncle seemed either uncomfortable or uninterested though. He kept saying that I need to talk to a professional that can help, and that they are happy to listen but they can't help me. I said that listening is what I needed, but he kept saying that they can listen, but in the next breath that I needed to talk to a professional. It was as if my uncle wasn't comfortable and wanted to say what he thought I wanted to hear, but at the same time try to change the subject.
I understand that it was out of the blue for them, and it was maybe unfair of me to say, but I am glad that I told my story.
How are you feeling about things today?
Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
It does make me so happy to hear you got to share your side of things with an aunt. I do wish your dad knew the whole true story, but maybe it is ok to leave it how it is too. I don’t think it means you are not strong. You are extremely strong to me. Thank you for supporting me. She emailed me back and agreed to meet for coffee. Not gonna lie... part of me wishes I did not even start this. I think was it really necessary to put myself through all of this just because I had an angry impulsive moment? Then again, it might bring relief so I guess I’m just gonna go with it. Can’t take it back now.
in someone's night.