On the Chessboard 2021

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Hey friends,

Hope everyone is having a nice week so far. After reading a couple of the other members conversation, it got me thinking. I’ve actually experienced some hurt feelings here too. I’ve felt ignored. I know that there have been times when I have not responded to some of you on accident or my response was not very timely due to my own anxiety or dissociation issues. I just wanted to clarify that I have never meant to intentionally hurt anyone’s feelings. I also worry that sometimes I don’t have the right words, so the words I end up using just are not right or appropriate. I worry that I might have accidentally offended some of you with my responses. I’m still learning which words or phrases are triggering and which are safe. Please forgive me if I have hurt anyone’s feelings at any point here. I just say this because I actually have noticed there have been times where I did not get a response and wondered if it was because of something I said. I’m probably just overthinking it, but I wanted to say this anyways. I do care about everyone here. If I ever do hurt someone’s feelings, please come and talk to me. Tell me what I have done. I will not be upset if anyone wants to confront me about something I’ve done or not done. Just wanted to put this out there. Wishing all of you some peace today. 💜
Chessgirl
coconuts
Member
Posts: 5839
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by coconuts »

Chessgirl, I totally get the conversation with the aunt. The overwhelming emotions and the total inability to figure out what to do with them. Each of those emotions is valid to you. I wish you didn't have to feel some of them. But you do and that is okay. That moment likely hit a spot you needed to hear those words. You needed to be seen, but in a totally different way that is terrifying to be seen. Vulnerable really. Also, I think that sometimes we have been trained in our minds that we are unworthy of good things. We tell our selves all the reasons why. But forget that we are human and humans make mistakes. Nobody is perfect.
And i have rarely met a person trying to overcome addiction that doesn't have a relapse. That's just almost part of it. You are more dedicated now because of it. You are more aware of the potential pitfalls. Mistakes were made, thats okay. We don't have to be perfect to deserve love or goodness in our lives. You have amazing strength and conviction. We are all standing behind you supporting you. Cheering you on.
We are proud of you too. Really it's amazing to watch your strength and determination to grow to heal for yours and your daughters and your fiance's sake. Beautiful what love does.

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Thank you so much coconuts for your encouraging words and for putting some things into perspective for me.
i have rarely met a person trying to overcome addiction that doesn't have a relapse.
I know this is true, but it still feels like I am the worst person in the world every time it happens. Thank you for reminding me though. It helps so much to hear this often.

Thank you for telling me I am human and no one is perfect. I do still deserve love and acceptance regardless of my mistakes. It means so much that I have everyone here to cheer me on. I appreciate your words so much coconuts!
Chessgirl
Jonesy
Director
Director
Posts: 16128
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:44 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Jonesy »

Hi Chessgirl
Chessgirl wrote: Tue Apr 06, 2021 1:25 pm After reading a couple of the other members conversation, it got me thinking. I’ve actually experienced some hurt feelings here too. I’ve felt ignored. I know that there have been times when I have not responded to some of you on accident or my response was not very timely due to my own anxiety or dissociation issues...
I will not be upset if anyone wants to confront me about something I’ve done or not done. Just wanted to put this out there.
I just wanted to say that I hear you and that your feelings are valid. Unfortunately, you are not alone - it's a delicate balance here as we try to navigate our healing while also trying to support other survivors. It's one of the reasons we have recently added 2 sections to our Forum Guidelines to try and help members with interactions.

I would really like if we didn't go down the road of 'confronting' each other. Try to move on, treat others the way you wish to be treated and be gentle with yourself - you are totally worth it.
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Jonesy,
Thank you for directing me where to look. I’m sure myself and others could use that help with interacting. I understand about confronting being problematic. Thank you for bringing that to my attention and thank you for validating my feelings!
Chessgirl
Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Kokoschka »

Chessgirl,
I can only agree with Coconuts' words. Its's great that your partner's family loves and supports you. You don't get that often even in so called normal relationships... As for the relapse, regard it as a bump in the road, as some sort of wake up call but don't sit on it. Move on and make sure, as best you can, it doesn't happen again. That's all you can do.

And even if you cried, felt embarrassed and ashamed l think it was a really positive experience. Wish someone in my family would have showed me some simple love and acceptance.

You have a right to feel good and loved, Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Hey kokoschka,

Thank you for reminding me the relapse is just a bump in the road. Each time I have relapsed, it has really been a learning experience. Some lesson I had not grasped yet. I am trying to be thankful and positive about it. You are so right that the love and support I get from my partners family is really so great. I am so blessed. I, too, wish you had had a kind aunt tell you how proud she was. Give you the love and attention you needed. I think that’s why I burst into tears, I knew deep down I needed that love so badly. Thanks for your reply kokoshka. You always help with your input!
Chessgirl
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Crow »

Hi Chessgirl,

I've not set foot on the chessboard for a while... however, I want to say something.
Please see that your response to your relapse is a healthy one. If you didn't care about beating addiction you wouldn't have such emotional reactions. If you weren't serious about quitting then your heartfelt words would not be here in text on this forum. I know how hard it is when all you want to do is change... and then you relapse. You count the days, celebrate the achievement, fail again (I don't mean you 'again', I mean 'again' in general), and have to start over. Each time you go longer clean the more you feel high on that achievement, and when a relapse hits it feels harder each time. I get it with my own struggles. But... it's not about how many times we fall, but how many times we get up and carry on again.
It's a hard road. And I have to say that with my own addiction I thought I had beaten it... seven years ago... I managed to abstain from my issue for months... then I fell. I'd like to say that I have successfully beaten my problems, but I haven't. Part of it was denying the problem eventually. Once I committed again to beating it, I came down hard on myself each and every time I failed. I'd count the days, the weeks, and then failure again. I had a choice... keep hiding it or be honest with myself and my wife. Recently, following a chat here in the chat room I was honest with several members about my struggles. They helped me to be honest and open with my wife. And now I have committed to trying hard to beat it. I'm not talking drugs or alcohol, but it's an addiction none the less.

You have acknowledged your desire to stay clean. You have accountability with your partner. Your are talking here and seeking support. You will fall... but you'll get up again. What I have learned from your sharing is that I need to be stronger and honest with myself and really try harder.
Sometimes our failures can be someone else's inspiration... and you are that Chessgirl.
You're doing great.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Thank you Crow. I have read your response and it was truly touching. I can’t find the words tonight, so let me respond in more detail tomorrow. Have a good night 🌙
Chessgirl
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Crow »

No need to find any words Chessgirl. Often we don't know the impact that things we do or words we speak have, but I wanted to tell you how much I've thought about you, and how it's made me really think and look at my own self.
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
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