On the Chessboard 2021

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Oh dancingfish,
Your words are so helpful and positive, thank you! I definitely agree therapy has done a lot for me too. That one “thing” can change overtime for sure. You are right that for my partner or someone who hasn’t experienced a lot of trauma, celiac might appear to be an easier thing. I do understand it’s super tough on him too. Hopefully we will get better at communication and having these kind of discussions. Thanks for being there and sharing your experiences dancingfish! Hope you enjoy the weekend!
Chessgirl
coconuts
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Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by coconuts »

Oh i can see how thats frustrating. My h and i have had the "I want you to get better now" conversation. They want a quick fix. Not just for their frustration but also for having to watch you struggle. That is hard to watch someone you love struggle. I tell my h this is not a fast fix problem. 18 years of abuse and 18 more years hiding it. (For me) its gonna take more than a couple therapy sessions to fix that mess. But its not stagnant. It is moving. For you too. Youve made huge strides in healing. Really. You are advicating for yourself and setting boundaries. HUGE. So many good things. Itll be bumpy along the way sure but you're doing great.

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Kokoschka
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Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Kokoschka »

Hello Chessgirl,
Imagine men having to carry a baby nine months and then go into labor🙄🌝😫 yeah, thought so.

But fun aside, celiac desease?? Seriously ??? All he has to do is look up the symptoms... But l have been there with my husband too... they panic, they need you to function, their little world order is being disrupted and they can't cope. My husband listens and l believe he cares😉 but he still has to come up with "solutions" "answers" that first of all are totally wrong and second, l didn't ask for his opinion🙄🙄🙄. I tell him to shut up and just listen, try to understand, and though he really KNOWS by now what's up with me, he still can't fully grasp the dimensions as, despite his own story, he hasn't been in my place. We know best how and what we feel.

Other than that, l fully agree with Coconuts' comment.

Wishing you all the best, Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Hey coconuts,

Yes, sounds like you get it. I mean it‘s not like we are machines that can simply be “fixed”. I’m glad you have had conversations with your h about this. Thank you for reminding me that I have made huge strides in healing. I know I have made progress and he does see that too. He just gets frustrated. Also advocating for myself is an awesome thing and thank you for bringing that to my attention too. I haven’t always been able to do that. Thanks for your encouragement coconuts! Keep up the good work yourself. You are doing an amazing job.

Kokoschka,

Lol right. I know that’s what I was thinking when he mentioned celiac disease. I thought “wow...really?” You are right that they do need us to function. I can tell you understand this frustration I’ve experienced with my fiance. After my conversation with him, he said he would never suggest anything like celiac ever again but it still really bothers me he even suggested it. Oh well... I know that it is hard for him. You are right that he hasn’t been In my place. I need to remind myself of this. I can’t expect him to fully understand. I really appreciate you kokoschka! Thanks for your input :)
Chessgirl
Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Hey friends.
I’m sorry that I having been making so many posts about my own life and have not been as active on others posts lately. I’ve just had a lot to report and kind of sort through lately I guess. I hope it doesn’t look like I’m being selfish and not caring about others difficulties as well. I don’t want to come across that way.

I just have to write about this today. So my fiancé’s aunt, a wealthy, kind of lonely housewife who has taken a huge interest in our daughter, invited me and my daughter over today. She wanted to give us some of her old furniture and just catch up. We had such a nice visit. She showed me all around her house and we looked at the furniture. I was fighting dissociation and anxiety the entire time and just really trying to stay present.

It was hard but I managed to act like I really had everything together. On the way out, she said (with a serious look on her face) “Chessgirl. We are proud of you” I started tearing up and I said thank you and smiled. Then she said “no, we are really proud of you. We tell (fiancé’s name) all the time how proud we are of him but we never tell you and you need to know we are proud of you too” I immediately felt a flow of all kinds of emotions. I felt my face making all kind of weird expressions as I fought back tears. I tried to make light of the situation by saying “sorry I’m an emotional mess!” And I meant to let out a laugh afterwards but I couldn’t laugh, I just burst into tears. Ugly tears. I felt so embarrassed and just all kinds of emotions. I think someone here told me sometimes they will feel so many different emotions that it is hard to even know what exactly they are feeling. This is how I felt. I felt happy. I felt ashamed. I felt embarrassed and sad. I felt guilty because how could she be proud of me? I mean if she only knew about how I relapsed or how I’ve Cheated on her nephew before or all the other awful things I’ve done, she wouldn’t be proud. I also felt sad that I had not heard that before, not from an older person. A motherly figure. I just had not experienced that and I didn’t know how to react.


As I stood there crying I was so mortified that I just got in my car and drove off. She was crying too. I should have probably gave her a hug or stayed and waited for my tears to pass, but I ran off. I think she understood it was hard for me. I just feel so much humiliation for some reason. I feel shame. I don’t even know all the emotions I feel. It was hard. You might be thinking that that was a sweet moment and a happy positive experience but I wish it did not happen because I really embarrassed myself and felt a lot of negative emotions. I need to text her. I can’t just ignore what happened. Thanks for listening. Has anyone experienced anything like this?
Chessgirl
Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

It was kind of like that scene from Good Will Hunting where robin williams says to Matt Damon “it’s not your fault” and he keeps repeating it in a serious voice while Matt Damon tries to laugh it off. Then Matt Damon eventually breaks down and starts crying uncontrollably. Lol that is kind of how it felt. Like maybe I needed to hear it but I didn’t want to hear it? It was weird.
Chessgirl
dancingfish
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Posts: 1303
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2014 9:39 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by dancingfish »

Hey Chessgirl, hearing you. I haven't experienced what you have, but I feel I understand it and it makes perfect sense to me. Your reactions, how you felt afterwards, and even just wanting to leave. They're all valid. :) Also I love that movie, and that scene - yes, just yes. Much caring and support to you. :)
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Aw thank you dancingfish! I’m so glad you understand, even if you haven’t experienced this exact situation. I’m glad someone understands because it was intense. Thanks for validating me! Yeah that is my favorite movie :lol: such a classic
Chessgirl
Kokoschka
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Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Kokoschka »

Chessgirl,
Though l haven't been there myself l can understand that you felt embarrassed and mortified. But there's nothing wrong in that, no need to feel shame for the tears. Besides, l think your partner's aunt isn't completely in the dark about you as she wouldn't be saying that to you otherwise. Cut yourself some slack here, she'll understand how you felt.
I'm sure a call or text to explain why you left in such a hurry will be fine.

Go easy on yourself, Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Kokoschka,

Thank you for telling me to cut myself some slack. I know I shouldn’t feel shame for crying. I find it strange that I would feel so ashamed of that but I am for some reason. She is not completely in the dark, as my fiancé’s father does tell her quite a bit. Not sure how much she knows though. I did actually end up texting her. I said I was so embarrassed for crying earlier! I also said I really value her opinion of me and that It means a lot. She responded that it was no problem and that she should have told me she was proud a long time ago. I hate getting so emotional around people uncontrollably like that. I know she will probably tell my fiancé’s father about my crying. Gotta remind myself it is ok to cry. It can happen to anybody. It’s ok to feel all these emotions... thank you for easing my nerves and telling me to go easy on myself. I will try to do this.
Chessgirl
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