On the Chessboard 2021

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Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Just wanted to give an update. So my friend who I had the falling out with, finally texted me. Said she was so sorry and felt so ashamed. Wants us to stay friends. I did feel relief when she apologized and we had a nice chat. My fiancé however really does not feel it is a good idea for me to be friends with this person anymore. I got the feeling that she realized, too, that she has a drug/alcohol problem and wants to get sober. Fiancé says that there a couple problems with me being friends with someone who is trying to get sober. For one, if they do get sober then there is always that great chance they will relapse and bring you right down with them. I feel like I am a little stronger than that, but maybe just to be safe I should stay away. If she is not getting sober and just wants to have me a friend, that’s not great either in case she brings it around me.

I told her I couldn’t talk on the phone, as I am in a delicate place and am afraid I might cry if we talk about it on the phone. The truth is I’m not sure if I can maintain a friendship with her unfortunately. I think we can stay distant friends and just text each other, but no hanging out. Maybe we could meet at a public place with the girls like a playground... that might be ok. I just have to be so careful with who I hang around. I know I can be influenced easily and I can’t say no very easily...
Chessgirl
Kokoschka
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Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Kokoschka »

Chessgirl,

First of all, BRAVO for your artwork, really beautiful, loved it!!

As for the other issue, I'm glad your friend called but actually, I can only agree with your fiance and with what you feel and know yourself. Hanging out with her ANYWHERE, even in the park, is absolute poison for you right now!! You'll never know if she's already on something or has got something in her bag to share when you meet. For your own good - as long as you are not over the mountain, and actually even then, you stay away from her. There's no shame in telling her the truth, it might even help her. As a rule, you don't hang out with people who drink, sorry for pestering you this way but I can't emphasize this enough!!! And in the long run, it will only help you as people who drink can't stand people who are sober. From personal experience, when I worked abroad in this office, most people drunk during working hours and sometimes ended up making a real mess of themselves. The thing is it was kind of tolerated as it was "work-related"...(musicians, artists, and wannabes), so anyway, since I never touched a drop, as I never liked it/felt the need, they didn't like to have me around. I kept refusing "that little drink" and they felt observed... and besides when you are sober, what do you talk about with those drunk and drunker, right?

Take good care, Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Hey kokoschka,
Thank you about the art! I’m a little embarrassed of it. I know I’m no artist, but I do enjoy experimenting sometimes.

I’m glad to hear your take on the situation with my friend. That all makes so much sense, especially about people who drink not liking sober people around. I have felt that many times whenever I have attempted relationships with drinkers. I have wondered how to tell her nicely and honestly that I can’t be around her. I am so bad at that! I often tell people what they want to hear and I really don’t want to do that here. I am definitely not over the mountain yet but getting there. Kokoschka, as always, your input is super helpful!
Chessgirl
Crow
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Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Crow »

Hi Chessgirl,

I didn't want to dive in earlier and reply without much thought, but now I've had time to think carefully, all I will say is this...
I think you know deep down what you need and what you want. You know yourself better than anyone else does, but taking on board the opinions of those close to you in your life is a good thing to do because they will notice the subtle things that you don't. That being said, don't let anyone tell you what you should do or force their opinions upon you so as to make you take a choice that isn't right for you. Generally speaking, I would always say that when addiction is involved, remove all temptations.
Make sure you are in control of your decision. People can advise or throw their opinions at you in whatever way they like, but this is your decision. Don't let people in the present replicate the abusive controlling ways of your past - either in their persuasive opinions/directions, or as a result of a choice you make.
I hope all that makes sense! You be in control of what you want... you deserve that for yourself.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Kokoschka
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Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Kokoschka »

Chessgirl,

You don't have to be an "artist" to be able to express yourself and you do it beautifully. I love the colors and subjects you picked. And besides, who knows what other great talents you'll discover in the future, that are hidden inside you.
The one called TRUST reminds me that sometimes in bed when I try to push depression away, I picture us (husband and cats) living high above, on a huge cloud where all is peaceful and good and we only leave it to go and help abused people and abused animals.

BTW, I think I mentioned this before, but I found more than once that listening to some guided sleep meditation by THE HONEST GUYS (youtube) has replaced a valium and done a great job.

Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Hey crow,
Thanks for telling me to be in control of what I want. That I know what the right thing to do is. I think after reading my post, where I said “I can be influenced easily and have a hard time saying no” I have realized what is best for myself. I think maybe I can have a friendship with this person in the future after she has been sober for a long time... if that ever happens. Until that happens, I can’t risk it. I know deep down I can’t risk it, not any time soon. I do think it’s ok to text with her every now and then to see how she’s doing. If I can be a good influence and help cheer someone on from a distance, I want to try that. I appreciate you putting things into perspective. Thanks for the input!
Chessgirl
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Hey kokoschka,
I love picturing that, you and your husband and cats up in the clouds somewhere safe and beautiful! Thank you for the compliments on my art. I’m glad I get to share it with y’all. I could see you being a good artist. I know I’ve already asked you, but I forgot. Do you ever draw or paint or did you ever?

Gonna check out that guided sleep meditation on YouTube. I craved Xanax and couldn’t sleep for about a week after I took it for my trip. I’m finally back to normal now. Still don’t sleep the best though. I have that psychiatrists number that my psychologist recommended but haven’t gotten back to them yet. I’m doing ok at the moment so not sure if I want the anti depressant just yet.
Chessgirl
Crow
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Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Crow »

Hey :)
Chessgirl wrote: Wed Mar 31, 2021 4:59 pm I do think it’s ok to text with her every now and then to see how she’s doing. If I can be a good influence and help cheer someone on from a distance, I want to try that.
You do what feels right for you. You have the facts in front of you, and you have a good head on your shoulders. Just keep an open mind and know your limitations. Please also make sure you have accountability too, whether that be your partner or not is up to you of course. And, you will know soon enough if contact is restricting growth and healing for you as well.

It may be a good thing keeping in touch, and time will tell. The way I think of it is that I'd hope that if someone knew I was struggling they wouldn't discard me and write me off. Your friend may not have anyone inspiring them to change - and your determination and healing, and evidence in time of that through safe and possibly distant contact could be what she needs. You know the score better than any of us here, and I hope that collectively you've had some support here to help you in this.
But as you know, you can only focus on your healing first - put your energy into you first, and when you're stronger be that shining light. :)

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Kokoschka »

Chessgirl,
I'm not sure l replied though so yes, l did try my hand at "art" but either l'm too closed up to let it happen or l just don't have it in me. I think the latter is correct. My father loved to paint mainly landscapes and he later on switched to photography at wich he was really great. Had a number of exhibitions too. My brother could draw beautifully and my husband won't anymore though he too did some great stuff years ago.

Glad to hear you are doing well. Good for you👏🙏🌝💐

Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Hey crow
Your friend may not have anyone inspiring them to change - and your determination and healing, and evidence in time of that through safe and possibly distant contact could be what she needs.
Exactly. I feel that my brutal honesty really clicked. I hate that I was intoxicated when I told her some harsh truths, but she did need a wake up call. She actually told me through text that she needed one. I think her fiancé enables her, so someone had to be real about it. Not saying what I did was right, but it did give me the courage to be honest with her.

Unfortunately she called today and I did not answer. She is going to realize eventually that I’m not picking up her calls. I think I’m going to have to tell her that truthfully I cannot hang out with her. I am avoiding that convo but I know it has to happen. She might be mad. We will see.
Chessgirl
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