On the Chessboard 2021

[Chessgirl]

EH,

That makes a lot of sense about emotional dysregulation and shame. My partner will ask out of frustration “what do you want to eat?!” I freeze up and yell and say “I don’t know!” Even though I do have an idea of what I might want/need. It reminds me too much of childhood when my mom would yell at me for complaining about my lunches. She would say “what is it you want?! Your heiness!” As If I was acting spoiled for wanting to an edible lunch. Thank you for validating me and telling me she was a cruel person . I need to hear that sometimes. I appreciate all your support and understanding!

[Crow]

Hi Chessgirl,

Thank you so much for all of your input, understanding, and support here. I hope the pregnancy improves and goes well for you. All the best in your life, you are worth so much.

Crow

[coconuts]

Chessgirl
I hope things are improving. In sure every day feels like a milenia but this will pass and you will have a beautiful new baby to love on in the end. Sending all the tummy comforting vibes i can.

I get the control through food. Food was always strangely controlled for me as a child. Probably why, despite the frustration, i let my kids rummage through fridge and cupboards and just replace what they take. My dad, my mom, my later step mom, always heavily controlled food. I dont even understand why. No, i do. Its a basic need. Controlling our basic needs is the ultimate form of control. What your mom did was so wrong. Im so sorry you went thru that

Coconuts

[Chessgirl]

Thanks coconuts,

I went to the ER again last night. Despite all the throwing up, the baby looks ok. It’s been a nightmare. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up from all this. I appreciate you checking in so much.

Ugh I just hate you experienced control with food growing up. It really messes with you. I remember whenever I would get to eat at a restaurant or at a friends house, I’d gobble up my meal so fast almost instantly and everyone would make fun of me for eating like a wild animal. I just needed the food so bad, like a starving dog. I kind of chuckled about letting your kids rummage through the kitchen and replacing whatever they take. That’s how I am. I let my 2 year old eat whatever she wants whenever! I’m sure I’ll be the same way as she gets older. Why the need to control food?! But yes I do get it ... still makes me angry and sad. Ugh how humiliating and confusing it was! I hate that you experienced this as well. Thanks for popping in!

[Oceantide]

Chessgirl, I'm glad the baby is doing OK and I'm sorry about all the struggles. I really am.

I remember whenever I would get to eat at a restaurant or at a friends house, I’d gobble up my meal so fast almost instantly and everyone would make fun of me for eating like a wild animal. I just needed the food so bad, like a starving dog.

When I dated men would sometimes laugh at me at restaurants because I'd scarf my food down so quickly. "I thought women ate slowly and daintily," they'd say. I still eat that way a lot, even in my own home. Forcing me to eat repulsive food, or withholding food, was used by my sadistic mother to torture me as an infant and child, and then she would mock me for my reactions. I'm so sorry your cruel mother used food to control you as well. Sending you gentle thoughts of nurture and care today.

[Chessgirl]

Oceanside

I’m sorry you know what it’s like to be made to eat repulsive food! I hate that you went through that also. I can definitely relate to scarfing down food in front of men. My fiancé jokes that that’s what attracted him to me... that I could eat like a man. If he only knew.... anyway, I appreciate you popping in and sharing your experience with me!

[coconuts]

Oh yes it has taken me years to get myself to slow down for meals. For years and years i was always the first one done. Id look up and realize, oh crap i just ate all that in like no time. I think i have finally been food secure for long enough i no longer do that, unless im very triggered.

I do hope this time speeds by and you find some relief chessgirl
Coconuts

[Chessgirl]

Thanks coconuts.

Just an update. We are all doing pretty awful. My fiancé is on the way to the ER (he never goes and always minimizes his own illnesses) because his temp got to 103.6 and he has to return to work Monday. Our daughter has been staying with his mom because she has had a fever and cough for a week and she was taken to the doctor today who says she has something going around called RSV. We had to pull her out of daycare bevauE they weren’t giving her enough fluids during the day and she came home everyday looking faint and pale and I’m too sick to watch her. The unison and B stopped working so I’m back to throwing up all day everyday and I have whatever my fiancé has because I also have a 100-102 fever with a cough. I thought it was bad before just with the hyperemesis but now I’m sicker than I ever have been in my life. The house has gone to crap. We are too sick to clean. I’m too sick and weak to even shower so I give myself sponge baths on the bathroom floor. Crying daily.... I can’t focus on a tv show or good movie because I’m just too ill to even enjoy anything so I lay in bed and think about my childhood all day. The memories just poor out. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about middle school how I was bullied at school and at home. I’ve looked up all my friends from that time period and they are all thriving in life. I’ve been very angry lately. My daughter needs affection and atttention from me and it’s been so hard to give. I feel guilty and bad about not being able to be there for my fiancé and daughter . It’s been a very dark time for me lately. In August we are moving into a nice big house that will be our permanent home and the doctor says the hypwremeiss should let up by mid second trimester so I’m hoping things will really turn around for us. I’m afraid my daughters attachment to me has been hindered though because of this rough patch. She cries when she sees me throwing up and says “no mama! Nooo!” She wants normal ne back. Thanks for listening to those of you who have made it this far. Like I said I’m hoping this is just a rough patch. Reminding myself life will get better soon.

[dancingfish]

Oh no Chessgirl, for you all to be sick now with this horrible sounding virus. I'm so sorry, how awful for you. Have a great big *hug*, if okay. Right now it sounds like you need care, help, and support - you can't do everything, and no-one is expecting you to.

That looking up old acquaintances thing is a tricky one - a bit of a compulsion, and of course their social media will say they are all having great lives. That's what people tend to put on there, generally. ;) They haven't shared the days when they're sick, and down, and put upon, and feeling insecure and doubting themselves. Perhaps set that aside if you can, I've found it can be a bit of an illusion we taunt ourselves with, if okay to say.

Right now the most important thing is you! If you have a moment of energy(!), would you be able to reach out for any help with any of the things? Perhaps a call to the doctor/ER for hyperemesis if the medicine isn't working, a check-up on the RSV/temperature you have, looking after your daughter, even help with cleaning - all the things which are so, so much harder when we're sick.

Or if you just need some time to pause and know things will be alright, sit here with us and we'll be with you together. :) You are amazing for holding it all together, and all you do for your daughter. I'm sure she's attached to you just fine - maybe naturally a bit alarmed at everyone being sick, which in the case of hyperemesis she possibly doesn't quite understand too. :) Hope that's okay to say, just how it's looking from over here!

Sending you all the care, support and love in the world dearest Chessgirl. You're not on your own. <3

[Chessgirl]

Thank you dancingfish

I appreciate your helpful words. My fiancé found out he too has RSV, negative on Covid and strep. You are right about looking up old classmates. I’ve decided to not ever do that anymore. It wasn’t just social media... I found people on google who are lawyers and doctors now. But still! Not doing that anymore! So unhelpful and I need all the help and positivity I can get right now. I can’t wallow in my misery. As far calling the doctor, they have told me there is nothing more they can do. The doctor said to go tithe ER if u can’t hold any fluids down but I haven’t gone again in awhile. Just trying to do what I can at home. My fiancé’s mom has helped all she can and is burnt out. She’s missed so much work and can’t lose her job. I just have to toughen up and pray it gets better. Having a loving mother of my own would really help now. Having you all here has been a staple for me. I have people to talk to and that’s so important for me. Thank you so much dancingfish. Your words are always so wise and uplifting.