On the Chessboard 2021

[Chessgirl]

Thank you coconuts! Got my fingers crossed haha

[plantsandtigers]

Hi Chessgirl,

Congratulations on your marriage, I hope you are both very happy and have a great life together. Wishing you the best of luck with the house move and I hope you and the baby are keeping well.

plantsandtigers

[Chessgirl]

Plantsandtigers
Thank you so much for the congrats and for dropping in. The hyperemesis is finally starting to fade away. I’m at 15 weeks so I’m getting pretty big and have other unpleasant symptoms but I’m much better than I was. Just begun packing and I appreciate your kind words. Hoping for a nice new chapter! Wishing you happiness as well! You are so kind!

[earthhorse]

Congratulations, Chessgirl on your marriage!

So sorry to hear about your ongoing illness. Wish I could take all of that away from you. You give bravery and determination a new meaning. You are awesome.

Good luck with moving!

With love,
EH

[Chessgirl]

Earthhorse

Thank you so much! I really appreciate you calling me brave and determined. You mean so much to me and your words really helped me feel better today!

[Chessgirl]

Lately I’ve been somewhat happyish. I guess because the constant throwing up is over and for the first time yesterday I had a normal day. I can’t drink coffee because it will make me vomit but I discovered I can have frappicinos and be ok. I guess they don’t have much caffeine. So anyway I was able to drive to Starbucks (first time in months) and then drink my drink while driving around and listening to music and I started crying because I couldn’t believe how normal I felt. Healthy and actually really damn good. I just started weeping while driving like thinking “wow I can feel normal again” it was just so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel before now. So yeah been feeling sort of happy but also emotional.

I have been putting my mental health on the back burner sort of. Haven’t been on here much, haven’t set up a session with my doctor or therapist in months, I’ve just been trying not to think about everything and only focusing on one day at a time. It’s sort of been crashing down a lot though like flashbacks and just this constant feeling of loss and being let down and betrayed. The fact I don’t have parents and my biological family is still so buddy buddy with my abusers it just makes me so sad and feel such loss. Grief at the loss of a family I never really had to begin with. I think because I’m expecting a beautiful little one and my toddler is growing up so fast and is just so adorable and I realize constantly she only have one set of grandparents and it makes me sad and mad and all kinds of emotional. The thing is I know I’m better without them and I try to tell myself “you shouldn’t care that you don’t have them! Screw them! Forget them!” But deep down I know I do care. I can’t forget them. Even my husbands mother told me I’m better without them and to just focus on making myself happy and not worry about them anymore. How can I do this? How can I feel more confident in not having them ? I know I’m better without them but yet I’m still so sad at the lack of parents. A person doesn’t really need parents to be happy and successful. I just want to feel this more and believe this.

[earthhorse]

Hi Chessgirl,
Yay to frappacinis and the blessing of health! So glad there's some relief.

I think it's just the way it has to be sometimes, it takes a lot of space and energy to focus on mental health. It doesn't mean that when we're in survival mode that the stuff goes away though.

I hear you about your parents. The mixture of grief and betrayal... abandonment. It can feel so raw and exposed. Yeah for me it's definitely the healthiest thing to be away from them, no ties. I have been doing a LOT better without them. But it doesn't mean I didn't want and need family.There's no replacing them. It's a constant ache, that sometimes rises up to deafening . It's a pretty huge wound. And you're right not just for you but a loss for your children too. It's not your fault. It iis a tragedy.

I wish there were some way people like us could honor our grief more collectively. It's like I never get closure or so, or a period of mourning. I don't get the holding, of collectively recognizing that loss.
I feel a ton of grief.

I do think though that your letter for instance that you wrote your dad was a powerful ritual for closure.

.You deserve space for your feelings, just because you made the right choice for you and your family, doesn't mean it isn't painful and complicated too to experience the loss of your family.

Love,
EH

[Chessgirl]

Hey EH,

I’m sorry you know the feeling of having that constant ache! I know you are definitely better off without yours but it’s still so much pain and betrayal to deal with. I like the idea of honoring our grief collectively. It certainly helps to have others who get it. I agree that the letter to my dad was a good way to cope. Maybe I should do that kind of thing more often. You are right I’ve just come out of survival mode. That’s a good way of putting it! I appreciate all your support and input. You are always so helpful and special to hear from!

[dancingfish]

I don't think I've yet said congratulations, dear Chessgirl! And hoorah for the hyperemesis abating! Such an ordeal you've been enduring on top of everything else. Here supporting and caring. :)

[Chessgirl]

Thank you for the congrats dancingfish! I appreciate your support and kindness so much!