On the Chessboard 2021

[Chessgirl]

After my psychic experience, I was so moved that I guess I thought it would be smooth sailing from then on. I realized that that was not to the case today. I’ve just had such terrible anxiety and depression and no amount of meditation or positive inner speaking seems to be enough to make it go away. I’m supposed to go to my fiancé’s dads house for dinner where my fiancé’s sister and her new bf will also be. I really just don’t want to be around anyone. I do want to get out and have fun and experience joy with my family but I only want to be around my fiancé and daughter... no one else. I just feel so judged and examined constantly by anyone other than my fiancé and daughter. I feel that every move I make is noticed and judged. The way I parent my daughter, the way I dress, whatever I say about myself, my hair and teeth and even fingernails I feel are looked at and judged. I don’t trust anyone. I feel like everyone notices every negative thing about me and if someone sees something positive they aren’t happy for me, but rather jealous and angry. I feel like other people don’t always want me to have happiness (not just myself who feels I don’t deserve it). I don’t think it’s normal to feel like this about everyone and I’m sure it’s probably in my head but I can’t seem to get these fears about others to go away. My fiancé always says who cares what anyone else thinks but it’s not that easy for me... wish I could stay away from people for the rest of my life. I know I have to somehow change how I think about others and their judgement. I wonder if anyone here relates to that. Petrified by people, easily triggered by people and distrusting of people. At the same time wishing I could have more genuine relationships but not wanting to risk

Also I feel ashamed even mentioning this but I think it was triggering for some reason. So my best friend from childhood ... during highschool we had a falling out and she knew of my parents abuse. Told me many times how terrible it was and she saw it first hand. Anyway when we had our falling out, she was so mad at me that she called my mom and told my mom all kinds of things about me. She essentially buddyed up with my evil mother and they said I was out of control and a bad person. The two of them together caused some much trauma for me. My friend L was just mad at me over a fight and was trying to hurt me and she knew my mother would hurt me so she gave her the fuel to do it. My mom knew L and I had a fight so she manipulated her into telling her all my secrets I had been keeping from my mom and my mom used this info to justify abuse. I felt my whole world collapsed when my best friend teamed up with my mom to hurt me.

I’ve really had a lot of anger towards this friend. She never apologized but she’s friends with my fiancé on fb. I saw that she and her happy husband are pregnant with a girl. She’s always wanted to have a baby. I should feel happy for her but for some reason it just made me mad. I’m not happy for her... I know this is terrible to feel this way about someone who was once my friend but it’s hard to see people who hurt you not only get away with what they did but also thriving happily through life with no consequences. She’s also moving back to our home town and I envision her and my mom teaming up and getting together discussing how crazy and wild I am. How I’ve brought everything on on my own. The whole thought of this old friend of mine living here in this city (probably the same neighborhood as my parents) makes me feel upset and anxious and angry. I just have this deep desire to expose the people that hurt me. I fantasize about certain people being exposed publicly on the news or something for all to see...

[Crow]

First off Chessgirl, hugs if that's okay?
Yeah, I hate those moments too... all going great, and then bang! - it all comes crashing down again.

I just feel so judged and examined constantly by anyone other than my fiancé and daughter. I feel that every move I make is noticed and judged. The way I parent my daughter, the way I dress, whatever I say about myself, my hair and teeth and even fingernails I feel are looked at and judged. I don’t trust anyone. I feel like everyone notices every negative thing about me and if someone sees something positive they aren’t happy for me, but rather jealous and angry.

I think a lot of these feelings comes from a lifetime of experiencing these things from your narcissistic and abusive mother. Also, when we are feeling low and have experienced hurt from others too, we tend to see things negatively (or at least more so than they are). The combination of anxiety and low mood, along with the criticism and emotional abuse in childhood makes for a real storm inside our heads! (I can tell you all this but fail to accept it for myself though.)

I want to touch on this...

I just have this deep desire to expose the people that hurt me.

I think I have mentioned similar things in the past in a different topic I started a while back, but it related to anger and such emotions due to people who have wronged and hurt me. I understand these strong feelings. It feels unfair when we have suffered at the hands of someone. And especially as you say, some people hurt us and then seem to thrive and live lives that appear to be happy... it feels really extra hurtful, and I understand that wanting to expose them. I do understand those feelings Chessgirl. I am myself careful to try to acknowledge to myself how much time and energy I spend on thinking about those who have hurt me. It's hard because I struggle to let go of things, but I have to remind myself that dwelling on those hurts and injustices takes up a lot of energy, and it also makes me bitter... and I don't want to be bitter. It also feeds into those low mood and depression symptoms and makes my anxiety worse, and then I really don't want to do anything, and so the cycle continues.
But letting go is hard!

You mentioned changing how you think about others and their judgement. Some of that judgement will be real. Some of it will be in your head (as it is for me often times). And often, a lot of it comes down to thinking what others may be thinking about you... and really that is not helpful either - and I'm working constantly on that myself. I'd love to not worry what others think, but I struggle with that. Someone once told me that what someone else thinks of you is not your business and certainly not your worry. And that is true. You can't change that. But yet I still worry about it!
Abuse... sigh.

I'm not sure if my rambling is making any sense...

This comment here is interesting to me (and I've shortened it and maybe taken it out of context a little...)

easily triggered by people and distrusting of people.

I think a lot of child abuse survivors will have this issue. (Okay, most do!) But in particular, for me it is a distrust of authorities and governments and so called experts and those who force their opinions and unsubstantiated claims on us, and try to control and manipulate us.
I think when we have been failed by services, authorities, and let down by friends and family and hurt by people, it makes trust hard. It makes us skeptical of people... organisations... those 'in power'. (Going maybe off topic here...)

Anyway, I understand that feeling of not wanting to be around people when you feel so down and anxious. Try to be kind to yourself. Feel those feelings (good and bad), give yourself time and space, and just be okay with that for a while. You'll get through it Chessgirl. It may not be easy but you're capable. And it won't be forever. It's hard to see clearly in the midst of the storm, but it will subside.

Sending support and care your way.

Crow

[Chessgirl]

Thanks for the hugs and thanks for the sweet thorough reply crow! When I come back and see someone has written it really cheers me up. Yes you are so right about the combination of those things really adding up to the perfect storm. That’s a great way to describe it and I will remind myself of this.

, but I have to remind myself that dwelling on those hurts and injustices takes up a lot of energy, and it also makes me bitter... and I don't want to be bitter

This is so true and I struggle with knowing I have some bitterness. I actually pray often for God to please help me with forgiveness. I just wish it was easier, and this may take time. One thing the psychic actually told me was to have “high vibrational” thoughts. I’m not really sure what she meant by this but I am trying to have be more positive. It’s days like today where I find that challenging but I think it takes practice and awareness.

I completely understand the distrust for authority figures! Again, this is another thing I’m praying about and trying to work on. I really appreciate your support. I appreciate you sharing your feelings and experiences. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone!

Oh forgot to add- my night ended up turning out a little better. My fiancé’s aunt was there (the one who I cried in front of the other day). As scared as I was, I ended up having a nice time and feeling glad I went. I’ve gotta remind myself that negative feelings do eventually pass. I like this quote. Found it to be very true.

It's hard to see clearly in the midst of the storm, but it will subside.

[coconuts]

Oh chessgirl, I'm sorry i didn't reply yesterday. I was in a rough place and then switching back and forth between parts week could cope and parts who couldn't. Go figure.

I definitely get where you are coming from in so many of those thoughts. And it doesn't matter how much you tell yourself you shouldn't think them. They're still there. I've gone thru a ton of this the last few years. Especially when my h and i divorced and everything seemed so obvious to come crashing down around. When i had to be in public i kept my head down and tried so hard to ignore any looks my direction. I couldnt hide because of my kids being teenagers and involved in school things. I had to drag myself out to sports and concerts and plays. It sucked. I hated it. The anxiety was intense. I was so sure everyone was noticing everything, how much weoght i gained, how i interacted with my children, how well behaved they were, or weren't, how all of us were dressed or hair done. I didnt want to go anywhere or do anything. I just wanted to be invisible again. As I've worked on healing and take meds i can say some of those issues have eased. They are still there, but not as badly. I have more grace for myself. And realize most people are too worried about look and act to worry about and judge me.
That said this year has made that so so so hard. I cannot wear face masks. I can't. I wear a sheild and even that is rough sometimes so i only wear it at work now that ive been immunized. I feel like i stand out so much with that sheild. I have to carry my exemption letter with me everywhere. It's like im wearing my mental disabilities in such a public way. So i try and pretend. But oh the shame I've had to encounter trying to explain to people that a face sheild is a face covering and they should let me buy groceries for my family or let me in the store. It's been awful and i cannot wait for that to go away at an entirely different level than most people
As for not trusting authorities. Oh put me on the list. A few of my parts are terrified of police. Other authorities just feel like they have so much power. I put my head down and try and fly under the radar.
As for the friend. How wrong of her. She was just another example of betrayal in your life. It makes it hard to ever trust others again. Ive had falling outs with people before but regardless of what i know about them i would never betray the things they shared with me in confidence. I can say as ive gotten older things like this happen less. Even some of the rougher falling outs have ended up with some crappy experiences but there was always a line that was never crossed. I have tried since then to just let myself not be close to most people. Keep a safe distance. And not talk about certain things.

That said chessgirl. You are so amazing. Really and truly amazing. You are making so many changes for yourself and your daughter and your fiance. You want something better. You recognize the things that aren't helpful. The things that are hurtful. Changing your life in these ways is not an overnight thing. It takes time. Really years. But it happens. And you will look back on how different you are, how much better things are for you. Because of all this hard work. You do and will have so much to be proud of. You are fighting for better things. You are taking control of your life. You've spent your entire life being controlled by others. You've been controlled by your mother, addiction, etc. Now you are taking the reins its not surprising that it's scary. But you can do hard things. You can do scary things cause you are strong. You are a survivor. Your going to have to navigate thru smooth days and rough times life unfortunately week occasionally throw some rough road your way. But you have proven to yourself that you can. And you can remind yourself of those strengths and victories and use that knowledge to get you thru. And then sit and enjoy the calm moments. Enjoy the great things you have in your life. Your beautiful daughter. Your loving and supportive fiance, his aunt seems like a gem. Focus on in the positive moments. What made them successful and good. What in that can you utilize to push you forward. I think we all know that your love for your daughter and fiance are what drives your sobriety. Leverage the good. The positive. You are amazing, brilliant, strong, intuitive, and lately it seems you are garnering some spiritual strength too.
Sometimes in the harder moments it's hard to remember. I keep a short written list for myself on a note under my phone. People and strengths are part of the resources we have to push forward. But i forget them sometimes. So i need to see it in writing. I have a note app on my phone. I keep those there and pictures and my safety plan. It's part of my toolkit. Like my personal first-aid kit i carry around.
Alright. I'm getting rambly again. . Sorry i didn't reply yesterday. I do hope today is going well for you.
Also don't forget chat can be a good place to go in a pinch. Post that you are there and then head in for a while. People pop in and out you might just run into a friend who can listen.
Coconuts

[Chessgirl]

Hey coconuts,

Oh you never need to apologize for not responding right away or at all. I completely understand how it is with anxiety and I can only imagine how stressful and exhausting switching could be. I appreciate you taking the time to write!

I can tell you really understand about not wanting to be around people. You sound sooo active with your work and your family. I’m sure it’s challenging dealing with so many people while coping with these issues I experience. I can only imagine!

As I've worked on healing and take meds i can say some of those issues have eased

It’s nice to know that meds do help. I cannot take meds at the moment because we are actually trying for another baby. I know that may sound a little premature, as I do have so many issues I’m coping with. My fiancé just really wants to have kids close in age. By any chance were you on meds right before you got pregnant or while trying? I feel like I should hold off on meds till after the second baby is born. I would have to get off the meds if I became pregnant anyway.

But oh the shame I've had to encounter trying to explain to people that a face sheild is a face covering and they should let me buy groceries for my family or let me in the store.

That is extremely upsetting to hear. I’m sorry you have had to deal with that! I hate going to the grocery store as is, But that would definitely add to the discomfort and anxiety. You shouldn’t feel ashamed of this. People can be so ignorant and cold.

Thank you for validating me about my friend. It is true that I felt such betrayed. It’s stuff like that which has contributed to how I am now with people and not trusting. I also do appreciate you cheering me on. Understanding how things are scary for me. Making me feel not alone and also not crazy. I appreciate your words so much coconuts! I hope you know how amazing you are as well!

[Chessgirl]

Some of you may remember the conversation I had with my cousins wife several months back. She encouraged me to write my aunt and tell her my story of abuse. The purpose of this was to get my side of the story out there, as my parents have ruined my reputation among my extended family. I decided not to and tried to forget about it. Months passed and something in me today decided to write the letter just for me. Just get it out of the way. I had to take a break. I’m half way through and it has caused me such anxiety. It has made me sweaty and my heart start beating fast. I’m determined to finish it because I think it would cause more anxiety long term to let the thing go unfinished . I found myself writing paragraphs and paragraphs explaining what NPD is and the abuse that happened to my mother and my mother’s father before I was even born. It always amazes me how writing can evoke so many feelings. It can cause physical changes in the body. I really hope this is going to turn into a positive thing. I just feel it needs to get done. I may not even send it to anyone, but I need to have it written in case I do need to share my side of the story at some point. Has anyone else had experience with reaching out and telling or writing your story for relatives?

[Chessgirl]

Well now wishing I had not even finished it. I sent it to my cousins wife and she replied asking what my intention was for the letter. I explained I wanted to do it for me and for my aunt to know my side. I wanted a relationship with my aunt and wasn’t sure if that was possible without her knowing what happened. She asked what my t thought about the letter and I told her the t said I should write it first just for myself and then send it if I still wanted to after writing it. I told her I wasn’t sure if I wanted to send it. My cousins wife told me she did not think my aunt r anyone would believe me. She said she believed me but that I did not have a close enough relationship with the rest of the family for them to see me as trustworthy. I thanked her for warning me that I would not be believed. I know my cousins wife was just being honest with me but it felt triggering. I felt like someone was telling me that my truths were unbelievable and not worth sharing. Regretting writing this letter now...

[coconuts]

Oh chessgirl, that is so hard to finally speak youe truth and then have a sort of smack in the face. My whole extended family believes some awful things about me and i jusy sit quietly and be the outcast they have made me. Really though, its not okay. I wish i felt strong enough to speak my truth and then stand up for myself. Thats hard stuff though.

Please know we believe you and stand with you. Your truth has been heard and validated by us.

Coconuts

[Chessgirl]

Thanks coconuts,

It helps to hear that I have been heard and validated here. I understand my cousins wife needing to be honest with me, but it would have helped if she said something like “I’m so sorry you went through this”. She was very short with me. That has got to have been very hard on you being treated like the outcast. It just doesn’t feel ok for that to happen to someone. What sucks in my situation is my cousins wife sort of made me feel like the reasons for them not believing me were my fault. If I had a better relationship with my aunt, perhaps she would believe me but I don’t and that’s on me. The whole thing is so triggering and upsetting for me. Should have never opened that can of worms.

[Crow]

Victim blaming! Grrrrrrr.
She couldn't handle the truth by the sound of it and put her insecurities and assumed insecurities of your extended family on you, and that is not okay. Sorry you had to endure that after such an ordeal writing that letter.