Let down by teachers

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Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Let down by teachers

Post by Chessgirl »

I have a memory that I think has really left an imprint in my mind. An experience that I think traumatized me. I thought Of writing this after reading about another members experiences with harsh dress code expectations and being made to feel ashamed if not fully covered.

When I was in third grade, my teacher told my mother (who worked at our school teaching another grade) that she was afraid something was going on at home. I made bad grades but I was a polite obedient child. The teacher and students liked me but I came to school crying frequently, didn’t eat my lunch (my mom made it a point to pack food that was truly just inedible or embarrassing) and I could never concentrate. I was always in A different world staring off into space. My mom insisted nothing was going on at home and that I had a wonderful life. She would get so angry at me and tell me I was bad and lazy and selfish for not making good grades.

Skip ahead to fifth grade, I was still making bad grades but I also started puberty early before the other girls. I looked like a sixteen year old and caught a lot of the older boys attention. In the beginning of the year, I remember not having many clothes so I would wear the same outfits over and over. My mom took me shopping with her to pick out her own new clothes. She was so grumpy and I was always walking on eggshells. I asked right before she was checking out if I could get a few new clothes as I had been wearing the same things over and over. My mother never cared about how I felt but she never wanted to look bad herself either. She rolled her eyes and agreed. She said something like make it fast and just get a few things. I went and grabbed a few pairs of shorts and tops. They were small on me but my mom was rushing me. They did fit too tight but part of me thought I looked great and adult like wearing these clothes that hugged my curves. I knew it would catch the boys attention and I wanted attention from someone. See I never thought I had a pretty face, but as soon as I hit puberty I noticed I had an attractive figure. I guess I thought If I showed off my figure more, then people wouldn’t notice my ugly face as much. Anyway, when I got these clothes My mom didn’t inspect them. she just rushed me out of the department store.

I started wearing my new tight clothes. Short shorts and spandex tops. My grades were always bad but I guess they started dropping even more. I had a crush on a boy in school and apparently the teachers knew about it. One day one of my teachers after school called me to her room and talked to me. Asked if anything was going on at home and I hesitated and said no. She said I was dressing very very inappropriately and that my grades dropped and all my teachers thought I was “boy crazy” . I was so confused because if my clothes were so inappropriate how come my mother or one of my teachers didn’t tell me immediately upon noticing? They let me wear these clothes for months and then sprung it on me. This teacher told me all of my teachers had a meeting about me and how I was dressing and too preoccupied with boys. I was interested in boys but my poor grades were due to the chaos going on at home. When my mom came to take me home that day, she freaked out on me. Told me she had a talk with my teacher. She said they told her I was “boy crazy”. She said “they asked me if anything was going on at home!” I asked my mom “what did you say?” And she was furious and said “of course not! It’s not our fault your a little slut!” She kept saying I humiliated her. I felt so much shame and confusion. I thought I must be a slut and attention seeker. I couldn’t do anything right. She took me out and got me all these clothes that were hideous and embarrassing. Long long shorts past the knees and button down shirts that she made me button up to the top button on my neck. I wore those clothes the rest of the year and my grades did not improve.

I think of how low I felt and how I felt it was my fault and how all the teachers hated me. It makes me mad because my mother let me come to school like that. I was a child. What did I know about how to dress? How is a 5th grader a slut? I wish when the teacher asked me if anything was going on at home, that I would have said “yes! My mom calls me these horrible names and starves me and beats me and tells me she hates me!” I wish I said something so bad. I’m still mad today that all those teachers got together and decided I was an 11 year old boy crazy slut. That my mom never took any ownership. That event really did a number on my self esteem. I felt like I was punished for having a developed body and getting attention from boys when I was just a child and didn’t know any better. Before I even had sex with boys or kisses boys, I was being told I was a slut. It is something that really makes me mad. I fantasize about tracking down those 5th grade teachers and telling them my story of abuse and how they did not help. They failed me. Everyone failed me.

Sorry I know this sounds like a silly story but it really messed me up. I wanted to get it off my chest. Do you think I was old enough to know what clothes were or were not appropriate? Was I really failing because I was boy crazy? It just seems odd that all these teachers never once dug deeper or gave me any compassion or understanding. Maybe suggest I get a tutor or a therapist? Nope. See, it’s not just my parents but other adults that I feel mistreated me. Misunderstood me and were to quick to judge me as a child. I feel I’ve been let down a lot in my life. That feeling has definitely contributed to the anger and distrust I have today.
Chessgirl
coconuts
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Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Let down by teachers

Post by coconuts »

Yeah i can understand a lot of what you are saying. My teachers called cps on my family but they never talked to me. Never asked questions. They never seemed like they cared. I was the low kid. The one they sort of felt sorry for but didnt know what to do with. I was a loner. Maybe one or 2 friends but not really. I had no clue about anything. I tried asking for help by hinting about something in 3rd grade and my teacher said she didnt answer what if questions and if I couldnt just spit it out I needed to let other kids ask real questions.
In 5th grade i had 2 friends and they were both getting tested for gate. I was jealous and asked the teacher if I could take the test too and she flat out told me I was too stupid and would never be able to pass it. She wasnt nice about it in any way or form. I hated her.
As a teacher now I am grateful to not work with a single teacher like that. We all worry about our kids and respectfully bring up issues fairly quickly. We try and do what we can. We call dcfs the second we have a reason. Unfortunately we have all gotten rather skilled at knowing what information they need.
Im sorry no one helped you. No one saw that you were a little girl who needed help not criticism and ignorance.

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: Let down by teachers

Post by Chessgirl »

Coconuts,
Yeah when I read your stories about your students and how attentive and caring you are towards them, I can’t help but think “man why couldn’t I have had a teacher like coconuts”. Some loved me because I was polite and kind and others didn’t like me simply because I made bad grades and seemed strange. The years I had teachers who didn’t like me were the harder years for me because I was rejected at home and at school. I sometimes think because I went to a fancy private school, the other teachers assumed that abuse just did not happen there. They assumed all the parents were ideal and we were lucky to be there. People don’t realize that abuse is not something tht only happens in low income families.

Gosh hearing that you had teachers who didn’t see your potential is so infuriating! Someone should have seen what a special child you were and how much you needed help. They really let you down in a huge way! Someone should have been persistent about getting to the bottom of it for you. I hate you experienced this but thank you for making feel not alone. You are so inspiring coconuts.
Chessgirl
Squiggy
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Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2011 8:07 pm

Re: Let down by teachers

Post by Squiggy »

I can relate. I had several teachers who either overlooked or willfully ignored evidence of PA/EA, such as frequent illnesses, gross malnourishment, lack of friends/social skills, etc. There were some who were more interested in punishing me for idiosyncratic speech and behavior rather than trying to discover the cause. There was one in particular who more than once berated me in front of the entire class, saying things that even my seventh grade classmates hadn't dared to say, and you all know how cruel middle schoolers can be to someone who doesn't fit in.

Even if I'm generous and grant that some of my former teachers may have chalked up my social shortcomings to some kind of developmental disability rather than abuse, there were other things that should have been noticed and questioned, like the time in March 1990 when I walked around sick for a month because my parents would give me any sick days to rest or take me to see the doctor. That was during fifth grade, and my fifth grade teacher was undoubtedly the worst in terms of doing anything helpful. This was the same teacher who punished me for my lack of social skills by putting me in the back corner, further isolating my from my classmates; the same teacher who intentionally tried to embarrass me by calling on me out of turn or asking me trick questions, just to see if I was paying attention (she was visibly infuriated when I was right anyway); the same teacher who had me suspended just before the end of the school year, having told the principal that I had stuck my tongue into a moving fan - a barefaced lie, I had not come within two feet of the fan and certainly knew better than to do what she said I did, but it was her word against mine, and guess who the principal believed? To their credit, my parents then did something right, they complained to the School Board, but in the end they had to settle for transferring me to a different school for sixth grade.

My attitude towards my schooling was never the same after that year, as I had then discovered that my teachers would be more impressed by conformity, submission, and obedience rather than curiosity or academic excellence. If there's any one person (other than my parents themselves, of course) who shifted me from the track of "getting an advanced degree" to "grudgingly finished high school", it was my fifth grade teacher.
Last edited by Squiggy on Mon Mar 01, 2021 5:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
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Re: Let down by teachers

Post by Chessgirl »

Oh squiggy, that teacher of yours sounds terrible. I was socially awkward too but I always managed to have one or two best friends. I remember some of the teachers who did not like me would separate me from my friend. Not because we got into trouble together but just to make my life more difficult and uncomfortable. Sounds like your fifth grade teacher just didn’t like you. Makes me mad, how can you just not like a child? If I had a socially awkward, shy anxious kid in my class, I’d make sure to be extra loving and understanding to that student. There are some real mean teachers out there. Heck, my mom was a teacher! I remember her telling me about the kids she didn’t like. She picked favorite with her students just as she did with her children. It’s upsetting how school can cause more damage to an abused child. I’m sorry you dealt with that
Chessgirl
Kokoschka
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Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Let down by teachers

Post by Kokoschka »

Yeah, forgot to mention the lack of social skills, the bullying by other kids, laughing at my "unattractive" not trendy clothes and my desperate need to fit in. Having awful fights at home over the things l couldn't get and that in my stupidity l thought would buy me the ticket in.

Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: Let down by teachers

Post by Chessgirl »

Oh kokoschka, that all sounds so familiar. I desperately wanted to be liked and accepted as well. Kids can be so mean, but it would have been nice if the teachers were at least kind.
Chessgirl
Kokoschka
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Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Let down by teachers

Post by Kokoschka »

I had posted a longer comment before this one and it's gone🤓 What the hell did l do this time😠
Last edited by Jonesy on Tue Mar 02, 2021 9:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: Let down by teachers

Post by Chessgirl »

Yeah I thought you were adding on to another post! Haha I hate when that happens!
Chessgirl
Kokoschka
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Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Let down by teachers

Post by Kokoschka »

Just wanted to say that despite being an immigrant kid and the fact that it took me only 3 months to get fluent in the new language, not one single teacher ever bothered to check on me and question the bad notes l got. l was excellent in English too, teacher's favorite actually but not once did one of the teachers offer to help. I was ignored, l was just a test paper with a red mark on it.
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
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