Help, negative fantasies/urge to be punished

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AcceptanceAT
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Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Jan 28, 2021 7:55 am

Help, negative fantasies/urge to be punished

Post by AcceptanceAT »

Guys, I´m freaking out,

Does anybody here feels that they need to be punished, and have recurring physical sensations of the punishments they used to get? For me, it´s that restlessness and tingling in my skin, specially in my bum and legs, that I felt before the spanking started. It´s very uncomfortable and I feel it all the time, everyday. It feels like I´m about to get it, all the time. I don´t know how to stop it. Does anyone?

And I have thoughts and nightmares to accompany it. Every day. Every night. It´s awful because it´s so hard to get out of bed, it´s like I have invisible restraints whenever I´m lying down on the bed and all the thoughts come to mind, and my butt starts flinching like mad and I can´t control it. Just this night, I dreamed that somebody came to punish me, they gave me a severe "coating" of the hand first, all around my butt and legs, and when I thought it was finally over, they said, you´re gonna get a heavy coating of the slipper next, and I got it, I even remember the kind of slipper, it was a big one, made of leather and with a hard wooden sole, I thought I was going to die. And then they made me fetch a round wooden spoon and I got another huge coating of the spoon, then it was "hands back and spread your cheeks", and I got the spoon everywhere between my cheeks except my butt hole. And I feared my skin would rip apart, cause it can, right? Every spanking felt endless, every spanking felt excruciating. And then X put my panties on again and I thought it was over, it´s gonna be okay, but they said "lie on your back", and I did, but then it was "knees up and legs apart" and it was like I was at the gynecologist. And I got that wooden spoon all over my inner thighs. Knowing exactly when they where going to hit because I was looking right at the person and right at the arm and the spoon. I was screaming, I can´t even describe it. And then, when it was over, pillow on the bed, "lie back down", and I lied on my stomach again, with my panties on, and my pelvis on the pillow. And then it was time for my father´s shoe. He has this sort of wedding/corporate/formal shoes that he used to hit me with, and another spanking started with that. But the smacks where so hard, it´s like the person was trying to make a deep hole in my butt, and each smack felt so heavy I was having trouble breathing. I was so exhausted I was trying to move, to protect myself, I know it´s forbidden but I just couldn´t lay still anymore, so the person spanked my butt with that shoe and then got hold of my wiggling feet and smacked the soles of my feet with that shoe, it burned. Then "get up, extend your arms and palms up" and I got that shoe on my palms and my forearms, like I did when I was a kid and I broke something. And then another pillow on top of the other, panties yanked down and was forcefully pushed (I´m sorry, I couldn´t stop myself from trying to resist, I don´t know what came over me, we where never supposed to resist) again on the bed, butt raised by the pillows, X gets the belt out and we finish with the damn belt. And while you´re getting it, you don´t know if you´re crying from the pain of it or from the pain of the other spankings, cause it´s still hurting like hell but you kind of feel your but went numb. And then everything is dark and you´re alone in the room, you´re sort of crying but you don´t really know how to cry about what happened so you get hiccups and hold your breath to feel better. I used to do that all the time to calm down. And you feel like you have a black hole inside, sucking you. And you feel like a vermin. And you feel tiny and spiteful, like you´re worse than awful, like you´re hateful. And this was the negative fantasies (?) I got last night and just this morning, but there´s some variation of this every single night and day. Some part of me is desperate for some "well deserved spanking", and these thoughts are so strong. But of course, this is awful, so I´m constantly panicking inside about the possibly of being spanked! Which sounds weird, cause when people think spanking, they think "cute little smacks on some kids rear end" but to me it feels like the end of the world, like it´s going to be an unbearable amount of pain. And at night and in the mornings it´s the worse, sometimes I really can´t move if I´m in bed (where I got spanked a lot). But during the day I also feel this flinching of my butt and legs, and my chest tightening, and physical sensations of fear and guilt and regret that I think most of you might remember, what it felt like when you knew you were about to be bent over. What the hell is wrong with me?? Why is there a part of me that wants to ravage me and another part of me who is terrified of being punished like this and my very body feels stuff that is no longer happening, it´s not like I´m lying down over some pillows, naked and waiting, I´m literally too old for that because I´m an adult now, I´m a grown up woman, What´s happening to me? And the worst part is, and I´m sorry for voicing it, but I´m scared of what I feel, the worst part is that it´s like that song that won´t leave your head and you just go and listen to it to get it out, just like that there´s a huge part of me that believes this can only be solved if I get the punishment I have coming and get myself spanked senseless by somebody until I learn my lesson, atone for my mistakes and flaws and finally get my act straight.

I know this is all wicked and crazy and stupid and all, I honestly don´t know how this is gonna come out, I feel sick, I feel perverted, I feel diseased because I have these thoughts and I feel these things, I feel terrible, does anybody have some advice? I have a therapist who I´ve shared this with, but these nightmares have been going on relentlessly, along with the daily negative fantasies, for about two years straight now. It´s happening right now as I write this. Everyday I wonder if I could calm these feelings down by seeking out punishment. I´m so sorry for sharing this. I hope I don´t trigger or disgust anyone.

Love,

AcceptanceAT
Acceptance AT
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Kokoschka
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Re: Help, negative fantasies/urge to be punished

Post by Kokoschka »

AcceptanceAT,

First of all, you are neither disgusting, nor sick, nor wicked, nor horrible.
Please don't tell yourself that! Your dad(?) and whoever else used to beat you are the monsters that did this to you. You don't deserve to be punished, you've been punished enough already while you were only an innocent child, wanting for the love and care of your parents. Instead you were mercilessly beaten. From what you describe it seems to me, l'm obviously no expert, that it wasn't just the old corporal punishment for being naughty but a way for your sick tormentors to obtain sexual arousal and satisfaction.

I was never bent over, only my mother hit me and obviously she didn't want more physical contact with me than necessary. So my face, my legs and butt had to do and that she could perform while we were both standing. It never occurred to me to get out of her reach. I stood still and let it happen. Sometimes when l was already in bed she would come back full of rage, throw off the covers and start hitting my legs again. I remember the crying and the awful, never ending hiccups while l was trying to talk.

Please talk to your T as much as you need about it and as long as you need. Tell her it's what's so difficult to deal with and that you must talk about it more.

I'm sure other members will be able to better relate and comment. In any case, we're all here to listen, to comfort and help in any way we can. Feel free to come here as much as you want. Sending good wishes your way, Kokoschka💐🌻🤗
Last edited by Jonesy on Thu Feb 18, 2021 8:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed NT to MT, as some triggering content
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
AcceptanceAT
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Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Jan 28, 2021 7:55 am

Re: Help, negative fantasies/urge to be punished

Post by AcceptanceAT »

Kokoschka,

I can´t tell you how much your words mean to me. I´m so scared of myself. I can´t believe I was so graphic and plain in what I wrote. I can´t believe I shared that, one of the darkest things about me. And you still responded. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I read out loud what you said about your mother beating you while trying not to make contact with you. And returning to you while you were simply in bed resting to beat you. Sounds like she was taking something else out on you and like she wasn´t capable of love. I´m so sorry you went through that. Do you also feel that the bed might not be a safe place sometimes?

I get the thing of not moving. I envy my brother for being able to try to cover with his hands and try to squirm away. In my case I just lied (or stood) still and quiet and I tried to move as little as I possibly could. Just the thought of escaping or trying terrified me. It curious how we feel we have no way out in those situations when sometimes we had a way out, we just didn´t see it. Weird
Acceptance AT
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Kokoschka
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Re: Help, negative fantasies/urge to be punished

Post by Kokoschka »

AcceptanceAT,

You're most welcome. And you don't have to thank me, that's what we're all here for. To reach out and have each other's backs.

Thankfully, l love my bed and regard it as a place of well-being, comfort and where to hide when l feel overwhelmed or depressed.

My mother didn't love my father. To my question if she married out of love she answered that when you're drowning you grasp even after a knife's edge. So me being the product of a marriage she forced herself into, no wonder she reacted to me like that. Still, very late in life she confessed that she'd always regarded me as her rival for my father's attention. Sick but true.

Hope that coming here will help you feel less alone. Since we're from all over the globe regardless of the time of day or night, you'll always find someone online to talk to. Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Josco
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Re: Help, negative fantasies/urge to be punished

Post by Josco »

You should not think that you are in some way disgusting or wicked, not at all.

Physical abuse under the guise of 'punishment' has left its scars on you, on me, and on countless others. Physical scars that disappear but emotional ones that last. In my case over 40 years. Perhaps it is underplayed because after all it was 'punishment' and when I was growing up it was acceptable and quite common to punish children with a cane, a gym shoe, a leather strap. And there are lots who say 'it did me no harm', and a few of us who disagree and know that it did more harm than it did good.

It has taken me a long time to even think about it rationally. My mind quite often goes back to it and I can see myself getting a 'punishment' and it's like watching it - I can remember all sorts of details and especially the words my mother used to use when I was to be punished. And yes its like a song you can't get out of your head. No erase button. And yes there is that feeling when you are really hoping for something good, when you finally realise its not happening, and its the bad option, the bend over, keep still.

Rationally - for me - I was told my punishment - how many 'wallops' I was to be given, my mother would put out a kitchen chair and tell me to lower my trousers and underpants and bend over. I had to do that without complaining - 'griping' as it was called, or there would be two extra wallops. My mother then hit me with her Scholl exercise sandal and I had to keep still for that - or again two extra wallops. It hurt, it left marks. My mother was single mother - all I had was her, and instead of being the caring mother she usually was she'd be doing her best to inflict pain. And there can be no denying that being made to expose buttocks, bend over, and keep still is deeply disturbing. Was there more to it than punishment? It is not surprising it has left scars, that I can't get it out of my head, that it damaged the relationship with my mother, and that I believe that kind of treatment had long lasting negative impact in many ways.

I don't have any answers but being punished like that isn't your fault and the long term consequences of that and all the problems and wasted opportunity from it screwing with your head isn't your fault either. And it sounds horrendous way more than normal punishment, a 'spanking'.
AcceptanceAT
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Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Jan 28, 2021 7:55 am

Re: Help, negative fantasies/urge to be punished

Post by AcceptanceAT »

Hey Josco,

Thank you for everything you said. I´m so scared of having to deal with this for years and years. It already seems way too long, specially these last couple of years. I´ve been thinking about something my therapist said, after another nightmare tonight. She said children attach to their parents in the way the felt their parents more emotionally involved. In my case, my mother, she was and is a very cold person, I actually suspect she might have an antisocial disorder, seeing how she relates to others, family members, ex-husband, colleagues etc. But when she was on a hitting spree, there was a lot of emotion on her. And maybe that made me equate it with love. Like, punishment equals love. Because from what other people tell me, friends of the family and such, she wasn´t really the caring lovey-dovey type. I "just" have to figure out how do I teach myself, the earlier and most wounded parts of myself, that love doesn´t come through punishment.

I´m really sorry for what happened to you. I know what it´s like to be raised by a single parent and what it feels like to need extra love and get the opposite. I wish you the best on your healing journey. I truly do. And thank you so much for answering my post.
Last edited by Serenity on Mon Feb 22, 2021 11:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT for no triggering detail
Acceptance AT
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greendreamdays
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Re: Help, negative fantasies/urge to be punished

Post by greendreamdays »

Hi AcceptanceAT,
thank you for being so vulnerable. It takes so much courage and I think it’s admirable. So many people go through dark things and never tell a soul. I guess that is why there are sites like this, so we don’t have to keep it all inside! While it’s relatable to have mixed feelings about posting something so personal and detailed, I hope you find some freedom and hope in sharing and being able to receive support.

I realize this post Is a few months old and I am not sure if you are still struggling with this now. I would really like to hear about any progress you have since posting, or how you might think about the same situation differently, or if things are the same.

Negative fantasies. I used to have them a lot. I can’t speak for everyone but in my experience I find the body and mind have infinite creative ways to communicate our unfulfilled needs to our conscious mind. Often they “talk” through otherwise unexplainable sensations and cravings in the body.
I call these “cravings,” a really intense desire that is usually very specific but has no context and often comes about suddenly. No matter what the “craving” itself was, when I recognized it was different from other normal desires I would identify what the craving was telling me I needed in my life.

If I was craving a cigarette -- despite never having smoked a day in my life -- I discovered what my body was telling me was that I needed more outlets to release stress and anxiety. 10 times out of 10 if I found ways to incorporate that feeling in other areas of my life, even just meditating on the feeling I desired, the craving would go away on its own. And indulging in the cravings themselves only ever served as a temporary and false sense of fulfillment. I think of unexplainable sensations the same way.

My skin used to be extremely sensitive when I was laying next to my (now ex) partner. To the point that whenever she touched me, especially my legs or bottom, it would feel overwhelming and intense and almost painful and I would immediately shrink away from her touch. But it was like a reflex and I couldn’t control it. I didn’t realize at the time it was an abusive relationship and when I wasn’t saying no or protecting myself emotionally or physically, my body said it for me through the sensations. I used to think it was an impediment to having a healthy physical relationship with a romantic partner. But now I understand my body was trying to save me from further abuse.

I have many examples of cravings and sensations that I have used this technique on. By fulfilling the need or desire the craving or sensation is communicating to me that I need more of in my life, the craving or sensation goes away. There is a whole field of somatic therapy that explores it with greater depth and knowledge than me. Maybe you would find a somatic therapist helpful? I have not had it myself but I am interested.

I can’t promise it will work with everything all the time but the body has consistent ways of communicating with us even though they may seem confusing or cryptic or downright unhelpful. You will be the best and finding your own answers. Maybe the sensations you are experiencing is your body’s way of trying to protect and defend you when you were anticipating pain even after the threat is gone? Or maybe if you are “craving” punishment, what you need is to feel that you are a good person.

Shame can make us feel like horrible, disgusting, bad people, but the things shame tells us are lies that other people told us to gain control over us. Shame can make you feel like a bad person, and the pain of punishment can feel like you are temporarily cleansed of the badness. Human have been doing repentant behaviors in response to these feelings of badness or dirtiness for millenia, but I have reason to believe the cause of these feelings is shame, not actual badness. And when the shame is resolved, or acknowledged, the feeling goes away. Abuse has a way of making survivors feel like a bad person. But I hope you realize that you are not a bad person, that you are a hurt person who is healing.
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