How different life could have been...

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

Moderators: Harmony, quixote, ajei

Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

How different life could have been...

Post by Crow »

The title pretty much says it all!

As those of you here who know my story in as much as I have shared here so far, and those who 'know' me here will know, I am happily married and have two wonderful children. Life has been hard for the past six years particularly and still is hard.

So... how different life could have been...
Yeah, I could have been loved properly, raised in a stable and loving home. Had joy, peace, fun and proper attachments and relationships with my parents. I think a lot of us can relate to that... in fact, each and every one of us will say that without our abuse life would be so different.
But I want to focus on something that has troubled me my whole adult life so far. You see, my life may have been very different had I not been controlled as much as I was.

Now, important note here. Some will believe that everything happens for a reason. Others will believe in karma. Others will even believe that there's no purpose or reason and life happens and we have to make the best of it. I'm not going to get into that. What I want to say though is that it is highly likely that had I not been forced to take this (all will become clear) direction, I wouldn't be married to my wife and my children wouldn't be here bringing me so much joy.

I have always loved wildlife. I loved zoological parks as a child and we went to one every year, along with another wherever we went on our summer holiday each year. As far back as I remember I watched African wildlife documentaries on videotapes, and loved anything wildlife and nature related. Often when as a young boy I was kicked out for most of the day so that my mother didn't have to put up with my 'irksome' presence (yes, childhood records state that) I could be found in the fields playing in the long grass and the trees with a net and jam jar hunting for bugs, butterflies, caterpillars and all sorts of minibeasts. Watching birds was fun too, and feeding cows in nearby farmer's fields.
I loved wildlife and I still do. As a boy I wanted to work in a zoo. As a teenager I developed a love for reptiles and wanted to study to be a herpetologist with the aim of one day traveling the world studying snakes and lizards.
My careers advisor at school supported this and helped me gain information on qualifications that I needed. We also looked at back up plans. Well, I also loved to get drawn into an inner world in my head... my twin and I loved to play and act together. I lacked confidence in drama class at school but persevered, taking part and performing in several large school productions as a teenager - even performing at Shakespeare's Globe Theatre in London.
My parents however didn't share my enthusiasm for zoology or amateur dramatics, and as such I was not encouraged... quite the opposite. When it came to looking at colleges for further education, I wanted to study biology, ecology, and also performing arts and stage management (yes, I wanted to work hard and cover all bases). I went and spent some days on taster courses and collected all the information. It looked like it was going to happen... but then came the talk... my parents felt I should stop focusing on hobbies (yes, that's right, hobbies - those things I wasn't allowed to do) and do something that would help me get a 'proper' job! So I ended up studying business studies. Not what I wanted. Not what I was interested in. Two years of hard work and study of boring stuff that I didn't want to do. But I did well, didn't settle for a pass, and aimed to please my parents and got a good grade.
I was now ready for work... to pay them the rent they desperately wanted. (My dad earned very good money back then - they didn't 'need' the money.) I was hurried into a job that I didn't want - an office job... I lasted three days and quit. That didn't go down well and my mum somehow got me a job where my twin brother worked. All without my knowing. I was told that I had a new job. I quit that after four months due to being mistreated by management, and was unemployed. My mum was furious.
One day I came home from my girlfriend's house and mother had circled a job advert. It was a warehouse job that I really didn't want. I ended up getting that job and the rest is history. Spent 13 years there.

So, you see, my life could have been very different. I could have been a world renowned zoologist, ecologist or even famous actor. But because I was controlled and beaten my whole childhood, I did as I was told and did business studies. I did as I was told and applied for a warehouse job I didn't want. I stayed there as an 18 year old living at home with my abuser and enabler/(abuser now I admit it), and then I moved out of home and needed to stay in a stable job. I've spent my life working in a warehouse and my family and I have been stuck in low income work, receiving benefits, and basically stuck in a renting situation whereby we have been unable to move from housing that we've had for years until recently, all because I couldn't stand up to my abuser as a very young minded and naive 16-18 year old.

Sure, I met my wife at college age 16. We have a lovely family. But my life is not really where I wanted to to be. I'm not doing what I wanted. I'm coming up 38 and I'm not exactly able to study now. We are stretched financially, can't ever see us being able to get the rented property we will need so that our son and nearly teenage daughter can have their own rooms, and I'll likely (if I ever get a job any time soon) be stuck in low paid work.

I've been struggling the past few years with memories, strong feelings, flashbacks, emotional dysregulation, and pain of my childhood abuse, and I can't focus properly, retain information or handle stress... is there any chance I'll find a meaningful career or be able to study to do what I wanted once before?
Am I even that person anymore?

How different life could have been...

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: How different life could have been...

Post by Chessgirl »

Ugh I just typed a long reply here but then my phone died and I lost it! :o I’ll come back shortly to reply
Chessgirl
Eagle
Member
Posts: 126
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:24 pm

Re: How different life could have been...

Post by Eagle »

Crow

I have mixed emotions on how to respond to this. Part of me doesn’t want to not respond, part wants to say I understand and empathize, and part want to scream as loud as I can and say no, that’s not what you need to say. So here is where I’ll go. We have only known each other a short while, but we have shared a lot to each other, so I feel I can call you a friend. What I want to say is being said to a friend I care about.

There was an old Chinese proverb that went something like, “He who dwells in the past, has no future”. We all had a pretty tough start. I understand the thought process you are going through, because I’ve been down that road myself. We can look back and say, if only this or that, or we can look forward at what is possible. Waiting to cross my 71 birthday, I think I can say you are relatively still a youngster. You have a lot of time in front of you and there’s nothing to prevent you from still seeking your dreams. Would it be tough, yep. Would it slow, absolutely. But it can be achieved, you betcha it can. You just have to convince yourself it can. I had an uncle who was an astrophysicist. At work he was exposed to mercury vapor which pretty much cooked his brain. Diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and spent the next 4 years in a mental ward going through ECT treatments. He recovered. Had to start his life all over, from scratch. He decided to go in a completely different direction because he loved seeing the ocean. Ended up getting a doctorate degree in marine biology and started a whole new career. He was 40 years old.

You can do it too. You may have to start slow, but you always keep your focus on the end goal. All of us here can’t let what happened to us be the driving force in our lives. We want to break those shackles and pursue our dreams. You may not be able to get a PhD in Zoology, but you can still find areas in that field which pay good and help you fulfill your dreams.

I hope you don’t feel I’m lecturing, because what I am saying is truly coming from my heart. I think you could do it and I think you would be great at it and be proud you took that challenge on and found your dream.

Eagle
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: How different life could have been...

Post by Chessgirl »

I agree with Eagle! It is not too late to complete your education and follow your dreams. I know I changed my major a few times throughout my twenties. Have one class left to get my anthropology degree, but yet now I am interested in pursuing something in psychology (which would require more schooling). We change. You may have other interests now. I would be on the look out for a great career opportunity but also look into school and what programs you would like! Something will arise, and in the meantime you can work on discovering yourself. You have done a great job at expressing yourself and exploring yourself recently. I love your poems and drawing. I’m exited to watch what unfolds next!
Chessgirl
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: How different life could have been...

Post by Crow »

Hi Eagle,

Wise words. And as it happens despite my family dynamics growing up I still learned and hold onto the phrase 'respect your elders'. I always take on board things that those who have gone before me and who are more experienced in life have to say.
Eagle wrote: Sun Feb 14, 2021 3:29 am There was an old Chinese proverb that went something like, “He who dwells in the past, has no future”.
You probably didn't see my signature that I had on my posts here for a month or so... I removed it a little while back because I stopped believing it. It said; "I don't live in the past, the past lives in me." I don't want to pitch up my tent (dwell) in the past, but I also know that currently I need to revisit the past and work through things. I don't want to ignore feelings and memories, but I also don't want to be overcome by them and become stuck ruminating on what could have been.

I am grateful for your viewpoint and encouragement Eagle and very much appreciate you sharing the story of your uncle - it's inspiring.
I'm just stuck right now. If I want to study, even part time, it would impact our financial situation. I just feel right now that we need to be earning money - full time wages just to manage to get by and try and aim to rent a property that gives our children privacy and space of their own rooms (yes, I know, first world problems...) and the opportunities they need right now. I suppose I could wait until my children finish school and then look at study of sorts. Or I could try and do an evening course...

I'm not sure I even know what I want to do for a career. Maybe I never truly did. My wants and desires were crushed by my parents and I'm stuck on this road called life. I love wildlife... does that mean I want to work in conservation and land management? I don't think acting is for me anymore... I've lost my youthful (alter ego) confidence. More recently I've revisited this idea of psychology that I looked into several times over the years. I also really feel strongly about child protection and think that working in that field would be a good choice. But they all involve learning, which right now I struggle learning new things. The past ten months in my last job proved that. I am petrified of trying to learn new things and hitting triggers and all sorts.
Do I know who I am anymore?

I've heard it said that if you believe in yourself you'll succeed. I've also heard it said that if you can dream it you can realise your dreams. I'm not sure what my dreams are. Maybe anxiety will hold me back forever.

I think the point of this topic was really to share more of how I have been feeling and things I'm trying to work through. I'm grateful for the wife and children I have. I'm just frustrated that we have become stuck in a financial struggle with our lives at the mercy of landlords, legislation and other people dictating. Yeah, we all face some of these things, but it makes me feel like that helpless child all over again... :cry:

Chessgirl - I really appreciate your encouragement too. Maybe writing as we've talked about before could be an option in some form for me... I also get it... I'm still relatively young too. I'd hate to have regrets about this on top of all the others I have in life.

You'd think that having that realisation that in a way my parents dictated how I have lived my life even to this point would give me that fire to do something radical and study for a better life... but I'm tired... I feel defeated.
I just want to stop. To curl up into a ball and be hugged. To be held. To know what it feels like to be a little baby looked after and cuddled and loved so dearly... :cry:

I appreciate you both... friends.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: How different life could have been...

Post by Chessgirl »

Oh crow, I sort of feel the way you feel about feeling drained but also not wanting to regret anything else. My partner has told me many times “you can do whatever you want. I’m giving you the opportunity to go back to school ..to pursue anything you want” but I’m afraid, I’m tired. Things are better than they ever were before with me just staying home, raising our daughter. I could have done a lot of great things, career wise.... but I do not want to try a bunch of new things right now. I at least need to finish the degree I worked so hard on, but even that I’m terrified to go back and do. I work really hard to protect myself from triggers and well, college....it’s stressful and full of triggers. It was super rewarding while I was there though . If I would have just pulled through to the end. Anyway, enough about me...I think you could look into psychology programs or writing degrees. Perhaps journalism?
Chessgirl
dancingfish
Member
Posts: 1303
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2014 9:39 pm

Re: How different life could have been...

Post by dancingfish »

Hey there Crow. :) I feel for you, I had a somewhat similar situation. It took me a long hard time to finish my chosen education path, and then I remember being told "just come back home, and you can rest." I thought maybe I'd finally have a few weeks before figuring out what was next.

Four days later, I was being yelled at while I was still asleep for being lazy and oversleeping (it was 8am) and for not having a job yet. Sigh. Picked up some temp work a few days later and went from there. They, too, wanted rent even though it wasn't needed. It ended up barely being more expensive when I finally moved out a few months later into my own place - particularly ridiculous considering I now had a small flat, vs half a room of my own.

Anyhow. I was reading over these posts and some of your thoughts, and one thing that occurred to me was "One thing at a time." Sometimes we try to do a whole bunch of things at once because we feel we must, or "should" be, and without consideration for the resources we have (internally, and externally) to put into it.

You're working so hard right now on making your situation safer and better for yourself, and even starting to pursue some counselling and healing. (Good luck, by the way! It's tomorrow for a first session, isn't it? :) ) Perhaps you could pause for a moment and ask your inside self (or selves, depending on how it is and/or you're feeling) what it wants right now. It can be really hard to do that, and to hear the response, for me. Let alone accept what's it saying. :D

Other changes also almost naturally come about when we've laid the groundwork for them, I found. I was in counselling for a while before I managed to sort out some situations I was in (relationship, work) that were really not good for me. I wondered about what else and all the other things, but I found they somehow emerged as I progressed. I'm trying to say you don't need to force things to happen for yourself, when you're all set up and ready for some things you kind of start pursuing them without fully realising. Because you're ready for it, you've learnt to listen to what you wish for and pursue as best you can, and it's no longer a struggle to do everything.

Just a few cents as they say, in case it helps a bit. I guess I have a feeling for where you are, and for me taking a more laidback approach to it all has been good for me and worked out. Oh, I'm still figuring out things I want to do and whatnot, and working with reducing anxiety so they can happen more easily though. Little things like pandemics and stuff have been throwing spanners in the works, though!

It's okay to take time to just rest and listen. To do absolutely nothing at all, if you wish it and can do so (I realise as adults we have some responsibilities etc. that we need to at least manage, such as family and partners). It's okay to want things, and to wonder, and wish for different other things. You also don't have to achieve everything to some super high gold standard all at once, or in fact ever. It just has to be "good enough", and you'll know in your heart what that is for you. :)

Best wishes to you Crow!
Eagle
Member
Posts: 126
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:24 pm

Re: How different life could have been...

Post by Eagle »

Hey Crow

Since I am not allowed to put your entire last post in a quote, I’ll just say bravo for the entire thing. You hit the mark on all counts. Your thinking and analyzing all factors and I know you will find the path you want to follow. Dancingfish is right. You don’t have to try and do it all at once. One step at a time and you will finally reach your destination.

Eagle
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: How different life could have been...

Post by Crow »

Hi Chessgirl,

It is great that you have a supportive partner who is willing to encourage you to pursue what you want. But it is hard isn't it?! I think from what I remember, you have more time on your side too. But also, your daughter is younger than my children by a fair bit, so I guess it's all relative. We just have to listen to our bodies and our minds and hopefully make the right choices at the right time.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: How different life could have been...

Post by Crow »

Hi Dancingfish,

As always, I appreciate your replies... always well thought out and constructed. :)
dancingfish wrote: Sun Feb 14, 2021 3:44 pm Four days later, I was being yelled at while I was still asleep for being lazy and oversleeping (it was 8am) and for not having a job yet. Sigh. Picked up some temp work a few days later and went from there. They, too, wanted rent even though it wasn't needed. It ended up barely being more expensive when I finally moved out a few months later into my own place - particularly ridiculous considering I now had a small flat, vs half a room of my own.
Ha, that sounds familiar! 8am was a lay-in for my family! Up by 7am routinely with military precision or else!
And the rent thing... sad isn't it. It was 2001 and at that time my dad was earning not far off £50k per year, yet my brother and I had to pay £250 per month rent. When I moved out of home my half of the rent with my (now) wife was £250! I know we then had food, bills, etc. but come on!
dancingfish wrote: Sun Feb 14, 2021 3:44 pm You're working so hard right now on making your situation safer and better for yourself, and even starting to pursue some counselling and healing. (Good luck, by the way! It's tomorrow for a first session, isn't it? :) ) Perhaps you could pause for a moment and ask your inside self (or selves, depending on how it is and/or you're feeling) what it wants right now. It can be really hard to do that, and to hear the response, for me. Let alone accept what's it saying. :D
Yeah, I lose sight of things sometimes. I have sort of stopped worrying about not having income. Haven't got anything lined up either. Not sure where next month's money is coming from either... still, I'm strangely less anxious about that.
As for asking my inside self... I'm still discovering that... I mean I've been looking at inner child stuff but not got far with it. I still see myself as just me the adult where I am in time, but I'm very aware of what I call the child in me, when I allow myself to be silly and childlike. There's also those times when I experience things that just bring me so much joy that I respond like an excited child (can't really explain it). Maybe I need to try and sit and talk to that child in me... would seem strange to me though :? I've read about inner child work but not put anything into practice.

I also really appreciate you saying this last paragraph;
dancingfish wrote: Sun Feb 14, 2021 3:44 pm It's okay to take time to just rest and listen. To do absolutely nothing at all, if you wish it and can do so (I realise as adults we have some responsibilities etc. that we need to at least manage, such as family and partners). It's okay to want things, and to wonder, and wish for different other things. You also don't have to achieve everything to some super high gold standard all at once, or in fact ever. It just has to be "good enough", and you'll know in your heart what that is for you. :)
Thank you Dancingfish :)

Oh, and thank you for the reminder about tomorrow! :o yes, first telephone CBT session. Probably just be going over the same thing as the other appointment and working out what we will focus on. 11.30 am if I remember rightly...

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Post Reply