Do I hate men?

[Chessgirl]

After reading through some of the recent threads I’ve been active in, I started thinking about this subject. For most of my adult life, I have had trouble with cheating on my bfs. There were many times where I had several men who I would lead on with no intention of dating them, but they all thought I was interested and would go to a great deal of energy to make me happy. I knew it was wrong but it helped me fulfill So many needs and voids and I began to enjoy it. It made me feel wanted, loved, taken care of and it gave me control. After I had my daughter and my partner and I got engaged, I realized that I never ever wanted to be an abuser in any way to either of them. I feel my partner and my daughter gave me a second chance at life and a reason to exist. The thought of me hurting either of them makes me sick to my stomach. I fear being like my mother and I have made me mission to stop cheating and talking to other men... I do wonder why I have it in me to do those things. Now I feel bad for all the men I hurt.

One time several years ago I was telling my t about how mad I was at my dad for not protecting me. For enabling my mother and being a coward. She shocked me when she asked “is that why you hate men?” I was shocked and caught off guard. Never did it occur to me that I hate men. I know I love my partner with all my heart and he is a man. I have hurt him before and other men though. I was not as self aware back then. I never discussed this subject further with my t because it honestly made me mad. It was something I didn’t want to think about or address. Has anyone else had that experience with your t telling you that you hate people of the opposite sex? I don’t feel like I hate men, but could this be possible? I was in some very abusive relationships and I know I hated those men. But all men? I just don’t know.

[Crow]

I'm a man... do you hate me? No, ignore that! Awkward humor again.

Okay, going to quote you now...

There were many times where I had several men who I would lead on with no intention of dating them, but they all thought I was interested and would go to a great deal of energy to make me happy. I knew it was wrong but it helped me fulfill So many needs and voids and I began to enjoy it. It made me feel wanted, loved, taken care of and it gave me control.

I think this may well be common for a lot of abuse survivors... risky behaviour and attention seeking to make up for lack of it throughout childhood. That is a general statement rather than being aimed at you, but I think (hope?) you get what I mean.

One time several years ago I was telling my t about how mad I was at my dad for not protecting me. For enabling my mother and being a coward. She shocked me when she asked “is that why you hate men?” I was shocked and caught off guard.

Okay... saying it as it is here... unprofessional!!! She should not have said that. Unless you explicitly said that previously to her that you hate men, then she had put words into your mouth. She gave you her opinion and that is not cool! That has stuck with you and now you're wondering. She should not have said that in my opinion.
But... and as you know... I have only had counselling and CBT over the years on several occasions. None of it was about the childhood abuse, so I can't really comment on experiences.

I just wanted to get in and say that to you. That's how I see it, but others will be far more able to chip in with some answers.
So sorry she did that to you...

Oh, and I often resist using the word 'hate' as it is a strong word. Ask yourself if you actually 'hate' or have a disliking towards men. But again, I wonder how much she has put in your head inadvertently. (I had counselling back in July just as I had signed up here, and that woman was opinionated and unprofessional - telling me that she wasn't meant to give me her opinion, but told me she would because she thought this, that, and the other... and told me what I was doing and how I was thinking was wrong.)

Crow

[Chessgirl]

Hey crow,
Haha of course I don’t hate you! Actually that’s good to point out... I don’t SEEM to hate people. I never felt right about that comment but it haunted me. I felt strange doubting my therapists professional opinion though. Now I see it wasn’t very professional of her.

I’m sure that my childhood abuse did contribute to the way I would hurt men... and like you said, it’s common to engage in risky and attention seeking behavior for abuse survivors. Like you also pointed out, hate, is a strong word. I’m a little relieved to know that it is probably not the right word for my feelings towards men.

I sometimes wonder if it is just my general distrust for people or if I’m correct in feeling like my therapist was sometimes jealous, annoyed or angered by me at times? She seemed manipulative too. She knew how bad of a people pleaser I was and how I couldn’t say no! Told her I couldnt afford weekly therapy, but at the end of our sessions she would always say “so I scheduled you for next week” I would act totally anxious and nervous and just stare at her. Last time she pretended to “remember” about me not being able to afford the weekly sessions. She said “oh wait do you want me to schedule you for 2 weeks out instead?” She knew the whole time that’s what I wanted but she thought she could push me into more sessions! She would also share stories of her own life frequently which I found strange. She’s the only therapist I kept for a long period of time and the thought of starting fresh with someone new is daunting. Lately more than ever I’m starting to realIze I would be better with someone else in the future. Thanks for your thoughtful reply !

[Crow]

Yeah, it does sound as if a new therapist is the way to go. Can't help but feel like she took advantage of you...

Also, been meaning to say that I've seen in other threads that you have an appointment with a Psychologist after seeing a doctor (think I have that right)... hope that goes well for you.

Off to bed now - got a plumber coming at 8am so need to get some sleep.

Crow

[Chessgirl]

Yes I do! Mid March! I am thinking of starting a thread where I will go to for most of my posts from now on. Might create one after this doctor appointment! Thanks for responding and goodnight !

[Eagle]

Chessgirl

Don’t know if this is relevant or even maybe to far out on the philosophy branch, but I heard an old saying one time. You really can’t hate someone unless you loved them first. You can be indifferent about them, not care about them or not ever think about them, but if you carry an emotion of hate for them, it had to be the result of being hurt by them. Some of the past men in your life fit in that box, but I don’t think all men would. Only the ones that hurt you. The bad part of that is if you hate them, then they still have some control over you. Once you become indifferent to them, that control is gone.

Eagle

[Chessgirl]

Eagle,
I’ve never heard that saying but it does make sense. Makes sense why I would hate the abusive bfs I’ve had in the past. I would like to not hate anyone, even my abusers. Definitely something to discuss in therapy. Thanks for your input!

[Eagle]

Your very welcome. I will say it worked that way for me. Once I could see my transition from hating someone to being indifferent to them, I knew they could no longer hurt me. I was no longer afraid of them. I could even be around them without anger. Maybe pity for them, but not hate or anger. I know you will sense that change yourself when it happens.

Eagle

[Chessgirl]

Yes I think I have gone through that transition before with some people, so I do know what you are talking about. The person who I really have the most hatred for is my mother. I’ve imagined how much I’d like to hurt her. I don’t want to feel that, I don’t want to care or think about it. You are right that that is when they can no longer hurt you! Thanks eagle!

[Kokoschka]

I guess l'm not that enlightened yet As l write l don't hate my mother, l think i'm in neutral mode right now as far as she's concerned, though that may change of course.

There are people l'd like to take revenge on, there are definitely more than a few, those who bullied me, mobbed me, made fun of me, just took advantage of my thwarted self and dumped me. These are the ones l'd like to confront and just smack hard across their ugly, smirking mugs. Some l really wish would just suffer as long as they live, Kokoschka