What you tell your kids

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Crow
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Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Crow »

If there was a 'like' button I'd be clicking it :)
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Chessgirl »

Hey coconuts,
Thank you for your input! I love how you explained people can hurt our mind, bodies and our hearts. Also I think it’s awesome you told your eldest about the porn industry and how the people in those videos are hurting on the inside. I have tried to tell that to many of my adult friends over the years. I am going to refer back to this post, as my daughter grows and needs more discussion. Thanks again! Hope you are having a nice week!
Chessgirl
Eagle
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Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:24 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Eagle »

Hi everyone.

I’ve been reading along and wanted to share something about me and my daughter. One of those things you tell your kids. Wanted to see if you girls think it was good, or maybe not. It’s about that conversation a dad wants to have with his daughter when she is about to start dating. I never got any guidance when I was that age and had to figure out everything on my own, which means I wasn’t real smart in my choices on how I should act toward girls. I wanted to give her my best thoughts so she could avoid the pitfalls a lot of young girls fall into when with a slick talking young man. It was about a three hour conversation, so I’ll try to capsulize it a little so it’s not a novel.

I told her she will be with some good boys and some not so good ones. But they are all boys. Boys at that age pretty much have one primary thought in their head. That is sex. No matter how good they are, that’s on their mind. Us boys are wired that way. It overrides all other thoughts of right and wrong. So, she needs a plan on how to handle it. We discussed plans, and I gave her thoughts on which I felt would work well and which ones might not. But....in the end, she got to decide on which ones were best.

My final guidance was this. At some point, you are going to want to go down that road yourself. The choice is yours. Not mine, your mother’s or the boy you’re with. Just yours. So, Just remember. Once you do it, You will never be able to forget it. That first time memory will be with you the rest of your life. Neither me or anyone else will have that memory. Only you. If the experience was good, or bad, you will live that memory forever, so make sure it’s the right choice at the right time for you.

As time went on, she actually kept me posted about that conversation. Around 16, she told me there’s a bunch of us left. At 17, yeah dad, there’s five of us left. At 18, there’s only two of us left. After that, she never brought it up again. I guess the time had finally come that she made her decision. I never quizzed her about it, because that was her life, not mine. I just hope, as any dad should that I helped her in that important decision so she, and that the memory she will always carry with her is a good one.

Eagle
Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Chessgirl »

Eagle,
You did an excellent job with your daughter and that conversation! How I wish I had had a conversation with my dad when I was a teen. That sounded very reasonable, moving, and helpful. I actually got chills in your last paragraph talking about how that day had finally come. From what it sounds like, you and your daughter are still close with a loving healthy relationship. Thanks for sharing. I have an idea what I will say to my daughter about that subject one day.
Chessgirl
Eagle
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Posts: 126
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:24 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Eagle »

Thanks Chessgirl

Yes, my daughter and I stay very close. We text each other almost daily. She’s the brightest star in my world.

There’s no real blueprint of how we are suppose to be good parents. And for most of us here, the primary one we witnessed was not a good model. Maybe though, we did get to see a definite how not to do it, and that helps us find a better way for our children.

Eagle
Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Chessgirl »

I agree. I know I’m a better parent because of it. I’m so glad you have your sweet daughter. I can tell how much you adore her 🤗🥰
Chessgirl
coconuts
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Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by coconuts »

Eagle i have had similar conversations with my teens. Then we go over ways to say no. We talk about how sometimes your body will want to keep going too when maybe you shouldn't. And what are some things you can do or say to help you and your date back down. And what to do if they persist. Finally I tell them if they need condoms dont hesitate to ask because Id rather buy them condom than worry about stds or babies. My friend always says, "a few minutes of fun will get you 18 to life".

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Eagle
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Posts: 126
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:24 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Eagle »

Hey Coconuts

I here you. That’s what most of our three hour discussion was about. All of the tricks of the trade that young boys will use to meet their objective. Please don’t hold it against me, but I was once one of those silver tongue devils, so I was able to enlighten her on just about everything she might encounter. Also on how peer pressure along with alcohol and the more current social drugs can reduce your mental awareness of what’s actually happening. It’s a brutal world out there and the teens need to be prepared for it.

Eagle
Kokoschka
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Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Kokoschka »

So good you can all talk to your kids. Are there for them or were mature and responsible enough back then when they needed you.

Eagle, l'm sure though nobody talked to us (todays' seniors) back then🙄 but being one silver tongue devil yourself, l guess you didn't need much counseling.😉

It just reminds me of the many painful things l experienced just because nobody talked to me. My poor father was too embarrassed l guess and my mother didn't know any better. So l just walked into all these situations like a blind chicken. I wasn't even aware of my body in a healthy way. Getting my period for the first time, my mother had mumbled something about something l didn't get😬🙄 She buying me my first bra, it all felt so indecent, dirty. Something you don't talk about and you don't let others see or know. I'm still too ashamed to go into all the details. My mother's sister, a registered nurse, telling me my children would be born blind if... accchh, Disgusting middle ages. Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
coconuts
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Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by coconuts »

Ah Kokoschka my dad never talked to me about anything either and well growing up in my situation I had no idea how to say no and am actually still quite unable to. When I got my period my parents were pissed. My dad just said I wasnt allowed to and stomped off to his room and slammed the door. My mother was angry and threw a box of tampons at me. Said I was a woman now. (Now i understand that made me less desireable to a certain clientel and more risky in general) when i needed a bra my dad took me to kmart, walked by the bra section and said,"well go get one and find me when youre done" I was 12. I fumbled thru completely lost. Then went and found him standing in the automotive section. He couldnt handle any of that. My step sister ended up helping me out when we met up for jobs later and gave me a few bras which luckily were just about my size so then I just went off that. But yeah no one ever talked to me about any of it. I was quite well versed in sex but I had no idea about its risks, purposes, or hell the general idea that i had rights over my own body.
Thats all part of the reason I have made sure that my girls knew well before their period started what to expect. When my 12 year old started she simple came up to me and said, "um, my period started, I put a pad on" and then we went up to the bathroom and had a better discussion about sizes and purposes of pads. I have measured and helped her find proper fitting bras that she likes. Its like 180 to my own experience. Also Im very open, with the boys too. They just come out and ask me stuff. Which I appreciate. I still have friends who cant hndle these conversations with their kids. I tell them I will if they need me to because otherwise their education will come from other kids.
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
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