What you tell your kids

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Crow »

Hi Chessgirl & Kokoschka,

I think when I say that I don't want them to feel sorry for me, I refer to how I felt about my mum... Yes, my abuser who I do not get on well with, and pretty much hated my whole life. When she told me several years ago that she had suffered PA, EA & SA (aged 9) by her dad, I felt anger towards my grandad. I felt anger for how she had been treated. I felt sorry for her that she as a child had suffered too, and SA on top of it. Was it feeling sorry? Or was it pity? Either way, I felt it for some reason. And so when I said that I don't want my kids to feel sorry for me I say it with the view that they haven't experienced abuse like I did... like my mum did... if I tell them even as an adult I worry that they will have an added negative emotion of feeling sorry for me. I don't want that. I only say that because that is how I felt to hear my mum tell me she was abused. I was abused, and yet I still feel sorry for her too. This is why I feel like they will feel saddened for me... for my childhood. I don't want them to feel that emotion... that anger or rage towards grandma, or about grandma - because it will negatively effect them.
Am I getting myself across okay?
I don't know... part of me wants to tell them one day. But what is my motive? So they understand the family dynamics all these years? Or would it be for some personal selfish reason to add hurt to my abuser? What would my point be in telling my wonderful children... unstained from the pain and humiliation of abuse... innocent and deserving of being spared that knowledge?
That's just my explanation that's all...

I also fully believe in being open and honest and encouraging free expression of all emotions with and in front of my children, in an appropriate way. They know that their feelings are valid and that they matter. But I struggle to show my mental health struggles because it feels like an echo of my seeing and experiencing my mum's mental health issues.
My kids are so sensitive and so empathetic it is beautiful. I don't want to taint that ever...

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Chessgirl »

I do understand crow. I also feel pity for my mother...it is very odd how I feel both hatred and pity at the same time. I don’t want to carry these feelings on to my daughter. I do know she will notice that it is strange to not have a relationship with her other grandparents ...and I feel like it will just inevitably come out. I don’t want to come up with an elaborate lie. She may overhear conversations about my trauma or anxiety. Kids are smart and will try to put the puzzle pieces together if they suspect something. I think if handled correctly, the communication about it doesn’t have to lead to negative emotions and tainted sensitivity. Luckily I haven’t had to cross that bridge yet. I do think your children sound like well emotionally healthy, well adjusted kids so whatever you are doing must be working for y’all so far! :)
Chessgirl
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Crow »

Thank you Chessgirl, I appreciate you saying that. And sorry if that read wrong at all, it wasn't meant to... just trying to express myself on a bit of an overwhelmingly emotional day today.
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Kya
Member
Posts: 10
Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2021 8:06 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Kya »

I just wanted to chime in with something I think we all know and was just hinted at. Children are little detectives. When they want to know something or suspect something is going on they find ways to discover the answers. Now they don't always get it right and sometimes they can't due to age and experience factors. But their imaginations will make up whatever they can to fill in gaps. Hopefully whatever their creative license is will satisfy and keep them from digging deeper or distorting the reality too much, but I think that is all dependent on what they've been around so far. Seen, heard, felt, etc... I guess I just wanted to say bear that in mind as you go? Maybe don't make the subject completely out of bounds? Yet as was already stated, keep it age/level appropriate. I've always felt that, for me, a good parenting mark is that my kids can and want to come to me with questions or concerns. I would hate to have them feel unheard or as if they are bothering me to ask a thing. But that's me.

The fact your are even concerned about and reaching out shows you're already doing great! Kuddos to you. :D
Last edited by Jonesy on Thu Feb 11, 2021 9:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Chessgirl »

Thanks for your reply kya! I like the idea of not making the subject completely out of bounds. I will definitely keep that in mind as my daughter grows and starts asking questions. As always, I have to be careful what I do expose her to. Thanks for the kuddos on being concerned!
Chessgirl
Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Kokoschka »

To me you all come across as caring and loving parents whose children's well-being is top priority. As already indicated here, as long as they know they can come to you with any question or concern and will be treated with due respect, you are doing great.

Other than that, l too feel pity for my mother and l hate feeling like that because it dilutes the rage, anger and hatred l want to feel. And as you all are talking about your children here, l'm sometimes horrified realizing that in my case, she actually took from me even that.

Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Chessgirl »

Oh kokoshka,
One of the members pointed out to me, on a different thread, that when you hate someone, it allows them to still have control over you. Maybe it isn’t such a bad thing that you do not feel hatred for your mother. I understand having pity for her. It is sad, for you both, that she had to be the way she was.

I hate that you feel horrified at not having had children of your own, due to your mother. I didn’t think I could have children. Several years ago I told my t how afraid I was that I wouldn’t have kids. She told me “Chessgirl there is so much more to life than having kids!” She was right. She also told me that even if I never had my own biological children, she was confident that I would still be a mother of some kind in my life. The way you have made a beautiful life for you and your husband with 25 cats, that is amazing and you are a mother to those cats. They need you and we need people like you in this world. You are still making your mark on this earth. I love being a mom to my daughter, but due to my childhood, I’ll never be able to be the mom I’d like to be. I’ll probably not have anymore because my stress and anxiety just couldn’t handle that. That is ok though. It is ok to do what is best for you and be the best person you can be with what you have. I really do appreciate you telling me I come across as a caring mother. I worry all the time about how I am as a mother.

In a lot of ways you and the others here are the closest thing I have to parents and family. I don’t have a relationship with my mom and my partners mom is not someone I trust. She once encouraged my partner to break up with me and take me to court. I thank god there are people like you out there, who can offer me support and love that most people would get from their own parents. You are such a special and loving person kokoshka! Never forget that!
Chessgirl
Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Kokoschka »

Dear Chessgirl, thank you so much🤗🤗🤗 Your good words and compliments make me feel so embarrassed. On the one hand l'm happy to feel appreciated, validated but that other me can't handle it very well. Anyway, let me say, again, that l find your comments so clear and precise, so to the point, l think you should be aware of how much potential of expression there is in you. How intelligent you are! Whenever you feel those fears of being dumped or not being good enough for your daughter, come crawling of under their rock just think instead of all that potential in you and how much love YOU are giving your daughter.

Since l joined and have been posting here l can better deal with my mother. My anger, rage and hatred can be channeled out of my system and let me breath better.

Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Chessgirl »

Thank you for the compliments kokoshka! It is rather embarrassing for me too! I think I’m dealing with my mother and the memories better now too. I still carry a little more bitterness than I’d like.
Chessgirl
Eagle
Member
Posts: 126
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:24 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Eagle »

Hi Chessgirl

I am fortunate to have a wonderful daughter. She it the most important person in my life. She has not had any kids yet (only been married a short time), but she does have a Yorkee which she says is my Grand-dog. She loves it like a child and I get to spoil it like a grandchild. If people are showing pictures of there grandkids, I’m showing pictures of my grand dog and proud of her. Love can work in many wonderful ways.

Eagle.
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