What you tell your kids

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

What you tell your kids

Post by Chessgirl »

Hey friends,
Something I have wondered about for awhile now is what I am going to tell my daughter about my parents. I think it is safe to say that they will most likely not be in her life at all. My partner does not want me to see my parents or have them see our daughter. They refused counseling with us when we offered and that was it. I am ok with not having them in my life. I worry about what to tell my daughter when she is old enough to start asking me questions. She loves my partners parents. They are healthy, loving grandparents who ply a huge role in her life. She is going to wonder, one day, who my parents are.

I thought about telling her that just how some people get physically ill and may throw up or get a fever, others can be sick in their mind which can cause them to act in ways that are dangerous to themselves or others. I may explain that that is what’s wrong with my parents, they are mentally not well and that’s why we can’t see them? I don’t know... that doesn’t sound quite right to me really though. I don’t want to involve children in adult problems either, but she will want to know something. I think Coconuts mentioned that she has told her kids that they avoid certain family members because they are unsafe emotionally. That sounds appropriate to me. I am curious how others handle explaining their abusers to their children. I wonder if I should inform her that I experienced abuse or if that will effect her negatively. What if she thinks there is something wrong with her because of what I went through? There’s so much to consider.

*also wanted to add I wonder what I will tell my daughter about all the scars on my arm from sh. I told my 2 year old they were “boo boos” but I can’t say that forever ha...
Chessgirl
Crow
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Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Crow »

Hi Chessgirl,

I read this yesterday soon after you posted, but wasn't up to replying then.
I think this is deeply personal to each person who faces this decision. But, for me as I still have a relationship of sorts with my mum it's not as easy for me to reply properly to this question. Over the years we have had to make excuses for why we didn't see my mum so much, and that meant a lot of questions from my children. We would say that (and it was true) we didn't go over to grandma's because she smokes, and with my son and myself having asthma it's hard to be in such a foggy smoky environment for long. It also smells and we just hated having to change clothes and shower when we got home. The fact that she lived on the other side of the road to us made it even more problematic. But, mum being mum wouldn't accept that reason for us not going over, and so she said that if we didn't go to her place she wouldn't come to us! And that made it easier to explain truthfully to our children why we only met now and again for walks in nicer weather. (She'd still try to manipulate us though even then. Once she said she had to go back from the beach to get something from her place, and she took our kids back with her without asking us!)

I think also that you are right... whatever you tell your daughter has to be age appropriate. She doesn't need to be exposed to adult things that she wouldn't understand. In time, maybe the truth can be told for what it is, but that would be a decision that you'd have to carefully consider.
I am not sure if I'll tell my children even as adults about my abuse. I don't want to taint their image of grandma, but also I don't want them to feel sorry for me either.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Chessgirl »

Crow you are right... this is a very personal question 😬 probably shouldn’t have asked.... it just bothers me a lot.
I have to admit hearing that you and others still remain in contact with your abusers and enablers after ALL they put you through, makes me feel a little guilty. I feel like if I was a better, more empathetic person maybe I would attempt a relationship too? I did offer to have a relationship with the agreement of family counseling, but maybe I shouldn’t have given an ultimatum? My partner said I do much better when they are not around to pester me and interfere with everything. It really is harder to remain sober and on tract when they are there making constant jabs and trying to mess things up... my daughter seems to be doing great without them.... I dunno whaat to do In the future. I get what you mean about not wanting your kids to feel sorry for you! I worry about that too. Well, thanks for your input and sharing that with me!
Chessgirl
Crow
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Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Crow »

Oh sorry Chessgirl, I didn't mean for you to feel that you shouldn't have asked. It's perfectly fine to ask, that's what we are all here for - to support each other and to seek help and guidance and validation. And in no way should you feel guilty about your choices - relationships or not with parents etc. You are the best judge of you (someone here I think told me that) and you know what works. If a relationship with your parents hurts you and puts you at risk of addiction or worse then it really isn't worth it.

Please keep seeking advice and support here - no question is wrong. I also think you should look at things from a different perspective. You say that despite all that others have been through we still have contact with our abusers and enablers, and that makes you feel guilty and should be more empathetic... Firstly, you show so much empathy with us all on here so please don't doubt that at all. And secondly, if you consider why some of us have relationships with our abusers and enablers you'll notice that it often comes with compromise - that we suffer negative effects from that. And it also highlights some of our weaknesses in staying in those relationships. You on the other hand have been decisive and know what is right for you and your family and have acted on that. I see a strength there. We are all on a journey, and for some people they forgive and look to live a life with people who abused or enabled them and make up for time lost. Others just aren't there yet or never will be. There is no right or wrong decision here. (And I for one haven't even thought about where I fit into that.)

Please be kind to yourself. :)

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Kokoschka
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Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Kokoschka »

Chessgirl,
As Crow said this is a very personal decision and if you are better off without your family around you, then this is definitely right for you. You are still dealing with the "side effects" of what they put you through and it's time you think about yourself and put yourself, daughter and partner above everything else. Don't torture yourself about keeping your distance. Your well-being and your daughter's is all that matters.

I stayed close to my parents till the end. My father was good to me, he was a good person and l know it would have hurt him terribly if l stayed away because of my mother. Besides, she would have made him pay for it and l couldn't have that. Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Chessgirl »

Kokoschka,
Thank you for telling me to stop torturing myself about it. It does feel like that’s what I’m doing at times. I think it was so wonderful for your father to have you stick around for him. A lot of people would have just never wanted to see either again to avoid being reminded of the trauma you experienced. In my case, my dad I think would love to have me in his life but he needs time to think about his role in the abuse and my dad needs to recognize that that’s what happened. He has my phone number and address and when he is ready I think he knows I will accept him back into my life. I kind of put it in their hands to either step up and acknowledge the abuse, and have a family counseling session with me... or they can never see me again if that’s what they want. I have lost all hope that my mother will ever come around but I do still sort of hope my dad will wake up one day. It is agonizing... you are right I am still dealing with the effects of my childhood. Maybe that will be different one day but not now.

Crow,
You are very kind to say I have shown empathy here. That does make me feel better as a human to know others think that. I do see that others who stay in contact with their abusers do it at a price. I don’t think I can handle that price right now. Thank you for telling me I do have strength. I really appreciate your helpful responses crow.
Chessgirl
Kokoschka
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Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Kokoschka »

Chessgirl,
I hope your father realizes what he's missing by having neither his daughter nor granddaughter in his life and that he finally faces up to the abuse he enabled by his indifference. You have nothing to feel bad about, you are doing the right thing.

Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Chessgirl »

Thank you Kokoschka. I appreciate your supportive words. I hope he does too. I worry so much for him sometimes.
Chessgirl
Kokoschka
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Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Kokoschka »

Crow,
your children won't feel sorry for you, they love and admire you and letting them see that you hurt can only add to their empathy and to the openness in which they perceive the world around them. That people can hurt and it's not a shame to do and to talk about it. Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: What you tell your kids

Post by Chessgirl »

Kokoshka, agreed.
Chessgirl
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