The neglect is harder

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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evyn
Member
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:48 pm

The neglect is harder

Post by evyn »

(Sorry this one might be a bit rambling)

So due to the current pandemic situation, I find the plans of my current transition (moving across the country to go to school) to be altered, i.e. I had planned to visit with my family for a couple of days on my way through, has now turned into I will staying with my family, specifically my Mom, for an indeterminate amount of time. And needless to say this causing me a lot of stress. I have come to peace with the abuse from my father, my brother and other family members (SA, PA, EA) but the person I can't seem to forgive or make peace with is my mother. Her not being there for me, her neglect, of me as a child and now as an adult, just makes it so hard to interact and be around her.

It's actually one of my first memories as a child, I was in bed afraid and in pain, and I would not get up and go to my parents room. I knew somehow that they (specifically her) were not "available" to help with my pain. Now I do remember my mother helping me eventually and giving me comfort, but somehow I always felt as if my pain wasn't as as important as what was happening in our family. Then I started to be afraid for her, my father's rage was a powerful force, and though I don't think he ever physically assaulted her or us, but the anger he spewed was terrifying. And so then I began to feel like I needed to protect her. I constantly worried about her safety, and buried my pain even more. Once the SA happened again she did not see my pain and continued to be focused on my brother and father. And because I was a good, easygoing, independent kid my pain continued to be overshadowed. And I am so damn angry all the time about this.

This pattern has continued all my life, my mother has constantly focused on my father and brother's alcoholism as the primary dysfunction. Even when I told her what my brother did, she still seems to expect me to be focused on trying to fix him. She took my father back after the divorce when he had a heart attack, choosing him over the life her and I had set up. She has spent years in support groups for families of alcoholics, but has never bothered to learn about supporting her daughter who has experienced SA. She hasn't said it overtly, but I know she thinks it my fault for not saying no.

I know in my head that she has her own demons, dysfunction and mental illness struggles. And now that she older the likelihood of her changing is nil. But my little inner child just wants to say "hey, I am here and I am hurting. Your job is to pay attention to me and help me, not just the men. How about you get better or healthy for me"

Sometimes, it feels like it is harder to deal with the neglect than all the other issues. It will make this next couple of weeks or months a struggle. Thanks for listening.
Last edited by Jonesy on Sat Mar 20, 2021 11:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
Crow
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Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: The neglect is harder

Post by Crow »

Hi evyn,

I totally relate to this;
evyn wrote: Fri Feb 05, 2021 3:48 pm I know in my head that she has her own demons, dysfunction and mental illness struggles. And now that she older the likelihood of her changing is nil. But my little inner child just wants to say "hey, I am here and I am hurting.
I'm sorry I don't have much more I can say at the moment on this. Feeling emotionally drained at the moment, but wanted to reply because you are important and this matters.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
evyn
Member
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:48 pm

Re: The neglect is harder

Post by evyn »

Thanks Crow, I really appreciate the support. I am sorry you are feeling emotionally drained - May you know and feel the universe holding you gently and showering you with love in this time.

Evyn
Last edited by Harmony on Sat Feb 06, 2021 7:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no triggering language nor content
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: The neglect is harder

Post by Crow »

Thanks evyn.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
there
Member
Posts: 9795
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: The neglect is harder

Post by there »

evyn,
I like your name!
I second what Crow said. You matter.

Oh, neglect. Yeah. It's so awful in its own way. Just nothing for a safety net. Sigh.
Not the same as yours but I have a strong memory of having a bad dream in high school. When I went to father and stepmother's room scared, it was, "Just go back to bed." Neglect.

You are important. Your mother doesn't have her priorities straight. You come first as a child.
I'm sorry it's so hard. You deserve better.
All women are beautiful. Period.
I deserve better than survival.
Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: The neglect is harder

Post by Kokoschka »

Hello Evyn,
I'm sorry you had to move back home under these circumstances. Wish you courage to deal with this difficult time. We're all here to sit with you and listen whenever you feel like sharing your story with us. Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
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