A twin to reduce the loneliness

[Crow]

Hi everyone,

If you've read my story you'll know that I am an identical twin. You'll also know that he has not really acknowledged or wants to admit for what it was that he was abused.

All that aside, I have read countless posts here and countless articles online of the extreme loneliness that children feel during their abusive years. I often think about that and think "I must be lucky then, because I didn't feel alone as such". I have often wondered why. Despite the fact that it is a lonely place living as a child and so desperately wanting to tell someone what was going on, I didn't feel as lonely as maybe a lot of other people. I feel lucky that I had my twin brother to find comfort in. We never that I recall really talked about what happened to us though. But I just know that with my brother I felt like we were stronger together.
A home filled with hostility and abuse just felt less lonely because I shared it all with my brother. There is a bond that twins share that is like no other. (Sadly we don't seem to have that any more.)

I remember a time when we were maybe 14 and we were out playing football, and three boys came up and stole my brother's hat and spat in it and put it in the bin. My brother asked for it back and one of the boys came over and pushed him to the ground and repeatedly punched him over and over in the eye. What did I do? I froze. I didn't do anything. I yelled at the lad to stop it. He stopped, looked at me and said "do you want some too?" and I just whimpered and said "no". He then continued to beat my brother up. I was conditioned to not say anything or speak up. Fear drove everything I did and didn't do. It still does...
But, my brother despite not facing what we endured as children, seems to have a (false?) confidence now. But I see it as an act... a front... he talks differently, he acts confident and ready for a fight. I sort of admire his confidence in the face of bullying or attack now.
Just been sitting thinking, and I recall an incident several years ago. He was driving along a road locally when a cyclist came out of nowhere and hit my brother's car and came off his bike. My brother stopped and got out of the car to check on the guy. The guy got up enraged, threw his helmet on the ground and aggressively marched toward my brother fist raised. My brother just confidently and firmly yelled "I wouldn't even think about that mate". The guy stopped and backed down, picked his helmet and bike up and all was diffused. I am not sure what I would have done.

Anyway, here's to my twin... we stuck together as kids, we didn't really feel alone... we had each other.

Crow

[coconuts]

Im glad you had a twin to connect to. Im sure it makes the lack of connection to him now a bit sore. But I think when you were growing up, it sounds like he was there for you. To support you. To witness things with you. My step sister and I had a sort of hate but connected relationship. When we lived together there was often competition for resources, love, food. But...she also supplied me with food when my step mom starved me. And I remember tentative looks. She knew that i took a lot in her place. Had I not been there she would have been the target. She was tougher too.
We connected one time right before I moved away. We wanted to see each other. We truly loved each other. But that was that. I have neither seen nor spoken to her in 25 years.
Your brother is lucky to have you. Lucky to have confidence. And even if he cant recognize his hurts you can and do and respond with compassion. Which is amazing and healing in so many ways. He probably cant thank you but he does benefit.
Coconuts

[Crow]

Hi coconuts,

Thank you for your reply. Not sure why I posted that other than just to get it out of my head. I'm seeing how useful it is to put into words (or text) feelings and things are.
Appreciate you commenting.
Sorry if you've mentioned this before coconuts, but how come you don't see or speak to your step sister now?

Crow

[coconuts]

When i turned 18 i reached out to her but she was clearly broken. And I wanted to pretend that part of my life never existed. I didnt seek her out again til about 5 years ago. Then i learned her whereabouts. But was afraid to make contact. A couple years ago i dug deeper. She has been in and out of prison. Drugs. Domestic violence. Robbery. Her children now adults also have drug charges and prison time. I made the decision for the sake of my children and myself to not attempt to connect with her. She is another loss of our childhood. Something to mourn. It is part of what i mentioned in my one poem about survivors. I survived. I even somewhat have an okay life. But her. She is stuck in the that brokenness. And why do i deserve to be okay when she is not? I dont know. But i do know my protection and honor and duty belongs to my children. So i closed that door. But i think of her and i pray for her.

[Crow]

Oh coconuts that's so sad... sad that she didn't manage to do better for herself or her family.

But i do know my protection and honor and duty belongs to my children. So i closed that door. But i think of her and i pray for her.

That is a powerful and compassionate statement coconuts.

I can't sleep tonight. Maybe it's the child like excitement in me that after a rare day of snow yesterday it is still snowing here... keep pulling at the curtains and seeing the snow gradually covering more ground outside.
Nearly 3am but I'm wide awake...

Crow

[coconuts]

Enjoy the snow with your kids today. Im going to bed soon over here on the other side of rhe world back in yesterday...lol

[Crow]

[Kokoschka]

Crow,
Those bloody street thugs really make my blood boil. I feel so much rage and hatred, though l wouldn't have reacted differently, l too was trimmed to fear and take it. The older l get though the harder l can deal with maliciousness. I even move forward when such scenes come up.
Sorry you and your brother have grown apart and that he's not willing to acknowledge what happened to you two but l guess his present circumstances (as you told) must have a lot to do with that. There's a lot he would have to face that he obviously and contrary to you, can't deal with. Kokoschka

[Kokoschka]

Coconuts,
As painful as it is to stay away from your sister and her family, l think you've made the right decision. After all you have been through, for your own sake and the sake of your children you need to be able to move on and fir that you must be safe and strong. Kokoschka

[Chessgirl]

Coconuts,
When you said your honor and duty and protection belong to your children, that really moved me. For some time I have had people from my past (drug users and alcholics) try to get me to hang out with them. I had to delete my messenger app to avoid these people. I felt guilty though, because they are people too and I shouldn’t judge them. That statement about honor and protection belonging to your children really helps put things into perspective for me. I owe it my daughter not associate or surround myself with people who might bring me down and I should never feel guilty about that, as you shouldn’t either. I can wish them well from afar, without allowing myself to be in a harmful situation.