A twin to reduce the loneliness

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Kokoschka
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Posts: 691
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: A twin to reduce the loneliness

Post by Kokoschka »

Chessgirl, Very well said๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Crow
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Posts: 1365
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: A twin to reduce the loneliness

Post by Crow »

Hi Kokoschka,

What you said here...
Kokoschka wrote: โ†‘Mon Feb 08, 2021 1:17 pm Sorry you and your brother have grown apart and that he's not willing to acknowledge what happened to you two but l guess his present circumstances (as you told) must have a lot to do with that. There's a lot he would have to face that he obviously and contrary to you, can't deal with.
That is so true... I hadn't totally thought of it like that actually. I'm hopeful that a time will come for him.

Crow
From pain comes a courage
The strength from injustice

Quote taken from The Rage To Overcome by Machine Head
coconuts
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Posts: 5152
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: A twin to reduce the loneliness

Post by coconuts »

I agree with Kokoschka. You have a safe space to accept yoyr pain. Your wife is safe. Even if there is some trauma there it isnt like his situation. He is not emotionally safe in his marriage and life so he is unable to look at the pain. Its hard for sure. Im glad you are there for him.

Chessgirl and Kokoschka. Thanks. Yes my kids need protection i never had and that means keeping people out if mine and their lives. I dont want them influenced by that. I do talk to them about it. About how we avoid certain family because they are not emotionally or physically safe but we can still love and care and pray for them from afar. Im not perfect with it, but im trying. Chessgirl its really hard to have to block people like that. But to move past addiction and for the sake of your daughter its so important. Id rather suffer than do something to put my children in a bad situation.

Crow.

I so hope the snow was wonderful today.
Coconuts
Be the Light ๐ŸŒŸ in someone's night.
Crow
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Posts: 1365
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: A twin to reduce the loneliness

Post by Crow »

Hey Coconuts,

As we live in the bottom half of England we rarely see much in the way of snow, and we only had enough to cover the ground by several centimetres. But that was enough along with the heavy snow showers to provide some rare fun for the children. My son can't remember seeing snow before (he was so young when we last had some).
Lots and lots of fun had... and I'm not sure who had more fun - the children or me! :D

Crow
From pain comes a courage
The strength from injustice

Quote taken from The Rage To Overcome by Machine Head
Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 691
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: A twin to reduce the loneliness

Post by Kokoschka »

Happy for you and the kids that you had such great funโ˜ƒ๏ธ You sure know how to make them happy๐Ÿ‘

I had never seen snow before l moved abroad. Then the first winter was one of the worst in decades, sinking up to my knees in snow and temps of minus 24 C on Christmas Eve. But l still loved it and hoped people and cars and dogs wouldn't spoil it. All that beautiful white.โ›„Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Crow
Member
Posts: 1365
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: A twin to reduce the loneliness

Post by Crow »

Kokoschka wrote: โ†‘Tue Feb 09, 2021 1:34 pm But l still loved it and hoped people and cars and dogs wouldn't spoil it.
I'm still the same even with our little amount! I'd love knee deep snow :D

Crow
From pain comes a courage
The strength from injustice

Quote taken from The Rage To Overcome by Machine Head
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1042
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: A twin to reduce the loneliness

Post by Chessgirl »

Crow Iโ€™m so envious! Kokoschka knee deep snow on Christmas Eve sounds like a dream! I live in an area that NEVER snows! Only seen snow a few times. Iโ€™m praying I will get to see a little on our next trip in March. Goin up north.โ˜ƒ๏ธโ„๏ธ
Chessgirlโ™Ÿ
greendreamdays
Member
Posts: 78
Joined: Tue Mar 30, 2021 3:08 am

Re: A twin to reduce the loneliness

Post by greendreamdays »

Crow wrote: โ†‘Thu Feb 04, 2021 12:13 pm
I froze. I didn't do anything. I yelled at the lad to stop it. He stopped, looked at me and said "do you want some too?" and I just whimpered and said "no". He then continued to beat my brother up. I was conditioned to not say anything or speak up.
I really feel this. I was stripped of any impulse to defend myself at a young age.

I used to think I wanted a twin. I really really wanted a best friend forever, someone inseparable. But what I really wanted was to be connected to myself and to be able to connect with others. And I know even as a twin, you can still feel lonely and disconnected.

I don't know if this brings you any solace but I learned that often times in cases of abuse, the sibling watching the abuse often has greater difficulties coping than the sibling who is being abused, even if the sibling only hears what is happening in another room, but can't see it. It may apply to this example when the boys who were beating up your brother, how you felt paralyzed even though he was the one directly experiencing it. I just want to validate what happened. Yes your body was trying to protect you even but I can also imagine the frustration and other emotions this survival reaction may have also caused. I tend to freeze up too. It's something I am working through.

I know I used to have a fake sense of confidence back when I believed that image was everything and how I really felt didn't matter. I even had myself fooled. It's still a coping mechanism I lean on, people usually leave you alone when you pretend to know what you're doing even if you don't. As a kid people left me alone and thought I could always take care of everything myself and never needed anyone's help. No one ever really dug deeper or inquired how I was really doing. It was really lonely.

Edit: punctuation
Crow
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Posts: 1365
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: A twin to reduce the loneliness

Post by Crow »

Hi greendreamdays,

I appreciate your input on this.
greendreamdays wrote: โ†‘Fri Apr 30, 2021 10:20 pm I don't know if this brings you any solace but I learned that often times in cases of abuse, the sibling watching the abuse often has greater difficulties coping than the sibling who is being abused, even if the sibling only hears what is happening in another room, but can't see it.
Yes, this makes sense completely, and I have read of this somewhere too. It was a feeling of helplessness unable to defend my brother in that moment, but also a general helplessness brought on by conditioning from home.
greendreamdays wrote: โ†‘Fri Apr 30, 2021 10:20 pm I know I used to have a fake sense of confidence back when I believed that image was everything and how I really felt didn't matter. I even had myself fooled. It's still a coping mechanism I lean on, people usually leave you alone when you pretend to know what you're doing even if you don't.
This is so true of my brother since leaving school. He has spent the last nearly twenty years with a fake sense of confidence. He has this tough guy facade going on and even his voice and the way he talks is different. It is as you say, a coping mechanism. It's sad that he hasn't been able to acknowledge and start dealing with his past... but then, there's a part of me that envies his outward appearance.

Thanks again greendreamdays.

Crow
From pain comes a courage
The strength from injustice

Quote taken from The Rage To Overcome by Machine Head
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