Kokoschka says...

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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coconuts
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Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by coconuts »

Im so sorry Kokoschka you are feeling so low regarding friendships and yourelf.

While i have friends Im not sure I have any who truly understand me. They respect and try and help me in my disfunction. But thu dont get trauma. It is better than nothing. As for getting in front of a class those little critters will eat me alive sometimes lol. They are only 7 so i dont worry too much about being judged by them. But if tripnover my words or like say something wrong they laugh and point it out. Im totally embarassed and sometimes get kinda mad. But i strarted just telling them, "you know it makes me feel sad when you make fun of me" and then they all feel bad and then some aplologize or some start defending me. So they dont do it too often. Now, if you ask me to teach in front of adults 👀 yeah..no. i HATE that. I have to have 2 formal observations a year. Where my boss comes in and watches me teach. I stress over that lesson so much. Like. TON. Public speaking or teaching adults is not my strength. When we are at work pds and they ask me ro answer a question or say something outloud I feel like its pure chaos inside. Like If i could turn into an armadillo and roll away.

Trauma sucks. Im so sorry that your mothers treatment hurt you so much. It messes with us somethijg fierce. It does sound like you fought for yourself some in regards to your husbands drinking. Dont sell yourself short on how strong you are. You're chock full of strength, passion, compassion. Those are great attributes.
Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Kokoschka
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Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by Kokoschka »

Thanks, Coconuts,
I guess I'll get over it like so many times before... :roll: It's just that sometimes I think this can't be true, really, I must be exaggerating my story and then I detect new aspects and I can reassess and understand a little more how far-reaching her damage has really been and still is.

As for your friends not getting the whole picture, I think it's somehow understandable. Only those like us who have lived through abuse and have been hurt and damaged by it can really grasp its dimensions, the intensity of our feelings, fears, and anxieties. But your friends try at least to understand and be there for you as best they can. That's a lot. And the kids, despite being kids, showing compassion and understanding that's just heart-warming.

Maybe I'll go and strangle some of them felines to feel better :x Yesterday evening I made myself a huge, really huge bucket-sized peppermint teacup with honey, and out of nowhere, as always with them critters, don't even know who the culprit was, it went that fast, one of them jumps up and spills the entire contents, liters of peppermint tea, on the table, new keyboard and new mouse, remote control - so despite the speedy cleaning, sugar is lethal for keyboards, it looks like we might need a new set - again, both the keyboard and mouse feel extremely "lame".
Last edited by Serenity on Fri Mar 26, 2021 11:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed NT to MT for some triggering detail
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by Chessgirl »

I’m so sorry you are down kokoschka. I haven’t responded till now because I’ve been dealing with some serious anxiety issues. Haven’t slept in 2 days and can’t really find the right words. I hate what your mother put you through and what you deal with today as a result. I know you don’t have many friends and loneliness is so tough. I feel very lonely myself so I know. I literally have no friends. I do remind myself that you all here in my support group are REAL. Just because I can’t meet you doesn’t mean you aren’t real people that want to see me happy. Just remember You always have us to talk to. We care and are here for you. I’m hoping you have a cheerful weekend filled with joy and peace and laughter.
Chessgirl
coconuts
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Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by coconuts »

Oh man Kokoschka. Thay naughty feline.

It is saddening how far reaching the damage goes from abuse. How unfair it all it. A lifetime of struggle because of a start from people who couldnt love. Im greatful I dont struggle more with addictions and such. But it still feels so very unfair that i feel every day as if Im trying to overcome it. Its so very unfair you are trying so hard. You have worked so hard. You deserve peace and goodness

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Kokoschka
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Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by Kokoschka »

Thanks Coconuts,
Already ordered a new microsoft set🤯🙀. My husband tried to save it but as l said, sugar/honey are deadly for keyboards.

Hope you have a peaceful Sunday. How's the leg doing?

Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
there
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Posts: 9795
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by there »

Kokoshka,
Oh, crud!
I can empathize. Have done the liquid on keyboard thing. It seems to come out of nowhere! Had to pay a lot for replacement repairs.

I know it stinks, but glad you can order new set.

As for the far reaching abuse from mother----I can empathize with that, too.

And please don't give up on ever having friends. We get used to things being crummy, but that doesn't mean it can't ever change.
You have made friends here, and that matters! I'm one of those friends and I give you a lot of credit!
All women are beautiful. Period.
I deserve better than survival.
Kokoschka
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Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by Kokoschka »

Thank you There🙏
How are you doing these days?

I really appreciate your words.
However, l think that "making friends" doesn't get easier with time since we get older, more rooted in our own perceptions, ideas, views and "accommodating" others becomes very hard to do. As l told Coconuts, l'll get over this little deep l'm in, l should be used to them by now😬

How's Tula doing?

Kokoschka🙏
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
coconuts
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Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by coconuts »

Just wanted to validate the way you feel. Its okay to be in a dip. Also its okay to feel discouraged. Im learning a lot lately about validating myself and others. Not trying that toxic positivity stuff. Trying to fight against it. Trying to allow positive, negative, whatever.
Hoping your kitties and all are good. And that the new keyboard and mouse get there soon.

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Kokoschka
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Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by Kokoschka »

Thanks Coconuts, much appreciated🦋🙏💐

Amy is seeing (name removed) this evening for her regular shot. That disgusting stomatitis is a never ending story🤯 Luckily though, a guy living here, another cat nut and (name removed) client is taking her so we save on the taxi fare.

I'll put that money to use with the nursery. (name removed) is delivering later in the day. Swore a million times l won't but this is like (name removed) says "a healthy disease". I order stuff, if l go there l'd need a truck to bring everything home.
His nursery is so beautiful.

Forgot something, got to call (name removed), to be continued...💐🌻
Last edited by Jonesy on Mon Mar 29, 2021 9:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Removed potentially identifying information as per guidelines
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
coconuts
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Posts: 5839
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by coconuts »

Hopefully Amy is feeling better. Nice that you have others so willing to help her.

Hopefully the new plants will give your garden and your mood a boost. I know youve been in the trenches lately. Sorta get that. Ive been there a bit too. Hopefully the changing seasons will give your mood a boost. Spring here is more like winter teasing us with moments of summer. We swing from 70s one day to 30s the next. Probably another big snowstorm or two to live thru until we really get summer. Kids did pull out all their sandals this weekend and ive been sporting flip flops. 72 right now and last night was so warm i left the window open all night and never got cold. 🥵 but then again its supposed to cool down in a few days. Gonna soak in the sun. Get my first sunburn of the year probably. 🏝<-I wish.... hopefully you do a bit of the same this week.
Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
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