Kokoschka says...

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Kokoschka
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Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Kokoschka says...

Post by Kokoschka »

Hi everyone,
Just trying to create my own thread here where l can write down whatever goes on in my mind. Have been thinking quite a while about it but then the thought that what l have to say isn't worth reading and that nobody is going to comment have given me cold feet. Also l have the feeling that l'm kind of limited in my skills to express myself, that's why l never kept a journal. The moment l want to write it's like a vault closes inside and locks everything up.

Some of you might be familiar with my story of physical, verbal and emotional abuse started by my mother and followed through by the bully kids in the neighborhood, by so called friends, in school, work, you name it. Always a target, so easy to go for, or completely ignored, just as painful. I was a lousy student, fear blocked my brain, made me go into petrified mode with the result that l hardly understood what was said in class and had retained nothing by the time l got home. I read that emotional abuse leaves you with very poor academic skills. Well, it certainly did in my case. I grew up at a time when teachers weren't aware of any abuse issues so you either came along in class or you were ignored and discarded.

Right now l'm again feeling down, sad and lonely. What else is new? My husband is right here but l can't constantly pester him with my issues. The people here at the forum are my only real social contacts. Says a lot about my social skills, right? I hate feeling this lonely but then the efforts it would take to go out and get to know people are too much. Just the thought makes me feel overwhelmed. For one l don't trust people but can't help going all soft inside if people are nice and show me some attention. Mentioned already that my mother could do that to me into my forties, l'd melt like butter if she used some term of endearment with me, disgusting.
I don't even know if l really miss not having any friends or if it's just the thought of it and not being able to say l have them. I go all yellow and green with envy πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„ when l read that some of you here do have friends and family they can count on. Both my husband and l don't have any family either.

By chance l watched MADEA today on youtube (entertainer Tyler Perry) talking about how people are like leaves, branches and roots of a tree. Maybe some of you are familiar with the character of Madea, l wasn't until today. Bottom line is that only roots will stick with the tree through thick and thin and if you have 2 or 3 people in your life that are those roots to you, you can count yourself mighty lucky.

Despite this bloody depression that permeats
everything, l try to function as best l can around the house, garden, cats, books, commenting hereπŸ™„ but everything is such a burden to handle. I have to kick myself really hard to get up from my chair and do something. I wish l could be left alone, with a book, something to eat and not be bothered by anything but then the idea of me vegatating like that makes me cringe. The thoughts going through my head then are awful.

Well, that's it for today. Hope l made sense and that some will come here to read and comment. πŸ™ Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
there
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Posts: 9795
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by there »

Kokoshka,
Aw, I'll sit with you if you're lonely. I hate it myself. It can be hard for me to bust a move out of it.

I think you're a smart person. Academics aren't the only measure of intelligence. Also,maybe since these days you aren't in as much danger from abuse, learning something---anything, can be very good for the brain. And now I will need to walk my talk and resume my online German lessons. ha!
All women are beautiful. Period.
I deserve better than survival.
Crow
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Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by Crow »

Yay Kokoschka!!! :D
You did it... your own thread ;)
I'll read along, get involved and try and keep that depression at bay. Either that or if we're both having a bad time we can get all down and miserable together, talk it out and hopefully feel that little bit better!

I'm not organised and keeping up with replies at the moment that well. All that's happening with me is a major distraction. But hey, this is your thread. :)

Talk soon!

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Kokoschka
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Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by Kokoschka »

Thank you There and Crow. It's a jump into cold water. Let's see if l can pull this through.

There - if you need help with your German lessons just let me know πŸ˜‰ Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by Kokoschka »

I've been sent by my ophthalmologist to have an OCT and now she's referred me for further consultation to a specialist l'll be seeing only in March. I've asked why l'm being referred, what the OCT results were but this office chick won't call me back.
I can't believe l get all nervous, scared, stressed by the thought that l need to call and talk to her again, ask for what l'm actually entitled to. It's weighing like a rock in my stomach, l worry about how she'll react to me, what she'll think about me calling again, l dread to do it.
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
coconuts
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Posts: 5839
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by coconuts »

Hey Kokoschka. Lovely to come visit you in your "place". I image a couple kitties around and one sitting on your lap. Ive decided to just write on my thead regardless if I get replies. Sometimes it just helpful to get it all out.
The OCT thing sounds frustrating. It aggitates me sometimes how little they care to get us our results when we are anxiously waiting.
Hoping it goes well

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Kokoschka
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Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by Kokoschka »

Thanks Coconuts, you are always welcome!!
While putting away fresh laundry and wondering if people here are going to respond to me, l decided that just like you, l will keep posting regardless. It's not like keeping a journal with me as the only participant, after allπŸ€”. Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Kokoschka
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Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by Kokoschka »

Started accepting my online voice recently. I refused to use voice mail all this years as l felt that my voice sounded horrid. Kind of childish, whiny but now l don't mind and since l stopped caring l think l sound better, not so pitiful anymore. It's the way l breath l guess, all pressed inside. That's why l have issues ( what or who don't l have issues withπŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„). with meditations of all kind. They always tell you to breath to the count of 2, 4, 6, 8 and so on and l can't do that. Feels like my rib cage won't let my lungs expand. I was once sent to a vocal cords therapist, she was really nice but that didn't help my voice.

Really happy to report that our Amy, the one cat that had all her teeth pulled a couple of weeks ago and was suffering horribly, has this morning eaten some dry food without complaningπŸ˜ΊπŸ™ l still feed her soft stuff but she just helped herself. I already wrote a couple of times that we have a terrific vet and l gladly repeat myself. Shana Dear, here's to you!!!
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Crow
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Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by Crow »

Hey Kokoschka,
Kokoschka wrote: ↑Wed Jan 27, 2021 10:35 pm It's weighing like a rock in my stomach, l worry about how she'll react to me, what she'll think about me calling again, l dread to do it.
I know that feeling all too well! :roll:

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
coconuts
Member
Posts: 5839
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Kokoschka says...

Post by coconuts »

I absolutely hate the sound of my voice. On videos nmand recordings. Ugh.... i force myself to do tbose and only if I have to.

I cannot handle any meditation where they tell me tk close my eyes. Like HELL to the NO am I gonna close my eyes in public. Or in front of other people. I only do that when Im alone. I often try and wait til my h is asleep even and wake before him. I can breath okay though as its actually one od my calming strategies and I actually use it with my students all the time when they are overly excited or need ro calm down.

Yay on Amy. That makes me so happy. Hopefully it just gets better from here for her.

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
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