I can't let it go... remembering

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

I can't let it go... remembering

Post by Crow »

Hi everyone,

Been contemplating writing about this for a while but just not sure how to.

If I remember rightly, I was 11 years old when this happened. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. Maybe to validate it or acknowledge it beyond just a memory that is as vivid now as it was when it happened. It may have happened twice but for some reason I only remember it clearly on one occasion. I'm not even suggesting it as anything sinister, although with the information that I now have about my mum's father it makes the memory worse. (He physically and sexually abused her as a child.)

For medical reasons I needed to be circumcised. Unfortunately on the NHS there was apparently a long, long waiting list, and as it was painful I really needed it to be done sooner rather than later. So one morning I woke up like any other morning, but that morning was different. I was told that I couldn't have any breakfast and that I was going to hospital for an operation.

Getting to the point, I basically had the operation privately and it was funded by both my grandad and my grandparents on my mum's side too.
I don't know how long after the surgery this occurred, and I'm not sure if I had totally healed and the stitches had dissolved, but the memory I have (and the before and after and some of the order and details are just not there) is that we went to my grandparents house and during that visit I was asked to stand in the middle of the room and take my trousers and underwear down. I remember being embarrassed, not wanting to do it - especially not in front of both of my parents, my brother and sister, and my granny and grandad. I couldn't exactly refuse as my abusive upbringing had taught me not to protest.
I just remember standing there in that gloomy living room with everyone sitting around looking at me, whilst my dad (?) and my grandad got up close looking at my scarred penis, moving it around and commenting on what a 'good job' the surgeon had done. "Nice and neat" I think my grandad's words were.

Where was my privacy? Where was my dignity?
Just because they paid for it doesn't mean that they had a right to embarrass me and touch me and treat me like a possession for that moment.
I understand that so many of you here have experienced SA and some have gone into great detail so bravely at things you've experienced, and I applaud you for that. So I am not suggesting that there was any sexual motive or satisfaction gained from that moment (that I'm aware of anyway knowing what I know now of my grandad) but so often throughout my life I have thought about what happened and how I felt. Sounds stupid but yes violated. I'm not trying to compare that to anything others have been through that are clearly so gravely wrong and damaging. And I'm not comparing either. I'm trying to be sensitive here.

It just still bothers me. That after the pain and difficulties of post operation, dealing with my new look so to speak, and then having to be paraded in front of family to show off what they paid for is just wrong in my opinion. I should have been asked how I felt before being told to do it. But then that was my childhood I suppose... things happened that I didn't like.

Feels worse now I've typed it out.
I don't know really why I'm posting this... I guess to stop keep going over it in my head. To try and understand.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Nelll
Member
Posts: 137
Joined: Mon Dec 07, 2020 3:03 pm

Re: I can't let it go... remembering

Post by Nelll »

Hi Crow,
Thanks for sharing.
I'm so sorry you had to endure that, it certainly isn't right and you should have been considered when this happened. Your thoughts, feelings and how it may affect you in the future. All things adults are able to think about. I'm sorry you were let down.

I don't have much advice, but you have every right to not feel okay about this. Regardless of what others may have gone through, this still matters.

Here to chat if you want :)
Nelll
Last edited by Serenity on Wed Jan 27, 2021 12:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT as no triggering detail included
penguin
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Posts: 599
Joined: Wed Sep 18, 2019 11:44 pm

Re: I can't let it go... remembering

Post by penguin »

Oh Crow, I'm so sorry that they did this to you. I honestly think their intentions and motivations are beside the point. They did something very inappropriate and it was not ok. Feeling violated seems a natural reaction to this. You had every right to have privacy and make your own decisions about who got to see and touch your body. They were in the wrong, and they likely knew it.

Here listening to whatever you want to share. Your feelings are perfectly valid.

Penguin
coconuts
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Posts: 5839
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: I can't let it go... remembering

Post by coconuts »

I completely agree with everything Penguin said. That was a clear violation. I could see how it would still bother you especially at 11 years old. Old enough to know about sexual boundaries but not old enough to really do anything about it.
I have taught my kids and my students that they get to decide how, when, and if anyone can touch them in any way. Even just holding hands or hugging or hitting. If someone doesn't have your express permission they are violating a boundary.
When my son was 10 he had to get hernia surgery and his father was fully uninvolved in his life at that time. We live far from drs (4 hours) so post op I had to check the stitches at like 3 days and 7 days and report to drs if needed. My son was obviously uncomfortable and embarrassed and I worked so hard to make it less awkward in any way i could. For us he went in the bathroom and pulled his pants and undies down and then I came in when he felt ready. I checked quickly, no fuss no comment and he pulled his pants up right away and then I told him how it was looking. I know it was still humiliating for him but I worked so hard to make it as comfortable for him as possible. To let him have as much control of the situation as possible. I would never consider parading him around. Or just dropping his drawers for me to inspect.
Thought too. If you had this surgery then likely this was not the first time you had to be looked at and inspected. But this time stands out because it was a clear violation.
Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Kokoschka
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Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: I can't let it go... remembering

Post by Kokoschka »

Crow,
I cringe at the thought!! I can picture you there parading in front of these ABUSIVE people and l feel my BP raising.

Again, KUDOS to all the parents among you for getting it so right with your own kids.

Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: I can't let it go... remembering

Post by Crow »

Thanks everyone for your replies.
I don't really know why I posted that. Feel a bit embarrassed doing so but I had to get it out of my head.

What you said Coconuts about it not being the first time yet that memory stays with me is an interesting point that I hadn't thought of.
I would have had to have several appointments with doctors I imagine, and yes, likely have to have been looked at, but I can't remember. It would have felt normal I suppose because I had a problem and doctors are trustworthy (as a child I thought that), so it was safe, expected and private.
The memory is as you say a clear memory of a violation that was not expected, not private and had no thought for me.

Here's something that came to mind just now... I've only ever had two surgeries where I had general anaesthetic. I was told by my parents when I was a young adult by my parents (not sure why it came up in conversation) that when I was coming round after surgery that I was verbally abusive to the nurses calling them f**king b**ches and telling them to get off me.
That is strange because that's not who I was. I didn't speak to people like that. I was the quietest good little boy there was. As I think of this it's as if my subconscious took over and the 'real' reactions were coming out that I just suppressed in day to day life as a child. It's like it was everything I felt towards my mum and maybe wanted to say but dared not to.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
coconuts
Member
Posts: 5839
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: I can't let it go... remembering

Post by coconuts »

Interesting results from sedation.. my oldest when he had his first surgery for getting his tonsils removed he was pissed as all get out when he woke up. They actually put him back out and woke him a different way. He was screaming and trying to run away. The second surgery was like nothing, just a bit groggy. My daughter when she was sedated last year for a procedure cracked me up. She was insisting she saw snowflakes and trying to grab them. She kept telling me to look, look mom. I was laughing so hard.

I sometimes wonder what it is when we react in such unnatural ways. Is it hidden desires? I also think that taking your inhibitions would certainly make things come out that we normally hold in quite well. I never would have dared sworn at my parents as a kid. The punishment would have been quite harsh.

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: I can't let it go... remembering

Post by Crow »

Hey Coconuts,

I've seen some hilarious videos on YouTube of kids and adults alike after anaesthesia!
coconuts wrote: Thu Jan 28, 2021 3:40 am My daughter when she was sedated last year for a procedure cracked me up. She was insisting she saw snowflakes and trying to grab them. She kept telling me to look, look mom. I was laughing so hard.
That sounds so sweet! :)

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Eagle
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Posts: 126
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:24 pm

Re: I can't let it go... remembering

Post by Eagle »

My grandfather had back surgery when he was 85 for three shattered vertebrae in his back. They gave him Valium afterward to keep him calm. At the first hour check they went to his room and he was gone. They started a search for him and found him three floor up, naked, laughing and going into peoples rooms talking to them. New note on his chart.....don’t give this man Valium.

Eagle.
coconuts
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Posts: 5839
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: I can't let it go... remembering

Post by coconuts »

:lol: Eagle.
I have seen some pretty funny videos in our time. I would have loved to have videod my daughter but iwas too busy holding her back cause she kept trying to reach for those snowflakes, launching herself out of her chair but she was still too sedated to walk and not fall.
Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
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