Intense and contradictory feelings

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Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Kokoschka »

Crow,
Hope you're feeling better this morning and you're all having breakfast right now. If you want to talk to us, you know we're all here to lend you our hearts and ears. Don't feel that active myself right now but I'm going to ask my husband out for a walk before the clouds return. It did rain good after all yesterday. Skies were deep blue before but not anymore ;) Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Crow
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Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Crow »

Hi Kokoschka, coconuts & Chessgirl,

Sorry for the general post rather than responding to each of you...
Yes, this morning I feel very glad that I went in and said goodbye. It is sad that my team and my boss couldn't have wished me well and been normal, but that does show their inability to handle the situation, and they were just projecting their insecurities on me. If anything, yesterday showed me that I definitely did the right thing. Really glad I got to say goodbye to others in the building. I'm feeling good about it all.
Not heard any more following the initial remote job interview on Tuesday... not feeling confident now after what I felt was a good interview.

Hope everyone is okay today. It's raining here... not yielding good results so far for the RSPB Big Garden Birdwatch (Google it if you've not heard of it). Our first time taking part as we have a garden and not looking good.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Kokoschka »

Crow,
I'm glad you're feeling better today. I'm sure you can congratulate yourself for your decision. As for the job interview, please don't despair and jump to conclusions yet, give yourself time until next week at least. With the covid regulations and all maybe they haven't "seen" all the candidates yet, who knows. And if it doesn't work out l'm positive you will find something else.

Last but not least thanks for bringing RSPB to our attention here. I've just googled them and it's a beautiful site. Inspires me to look for a similar one where l live. Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Kokoschka »

Crow,
I just checked one of these bird sighting sites here and we have 10!!!!! different kinds of owls here!!! Wish there were some where we live too. We're a semi rural area and years ago there must have been a couple of them nesting near our house. I heard the calls at night and that didn't sound very reassuring, kind of scary actually🙄😉 Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
coconuts
Member
Posts: 5839
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by coconuts »

Hi crow. Just saying hi and hoping you are enjoying the birdwatching. Sounds peaceful. I have full hope and confidence that something great will come your way. All fingers and toes crossed here.
I feel like I want to help you feel confident in knowing what a great person you are. I know we tend to judge ourselves harsher than anyone else. But from the outside I admire your kindness, sensitivity, compassion, strength, and that you are passing these qualities down to your children. Its wonderful to know.

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Crow »

Hi Kokoschka,

You're right regarding the job interview. I just need to be patient! They told me that they would let me know in a few days, so in my mind that meant by the end of Thursday. But with all that is going on in the world maybe I'll hear next week. I'm sure it'll all work out eventually. After all, working the past ten months in that job may only have been to bring these issues to my attention so that I was more aware of my inner struggles, and triggers in the world. I mean, I pretty much spent my adult life in one workplace, so being in a new environment with new people has highlighted triggers and poor coping on my part, so it's a good thing in a strange way!

As for the birdwatching today... we hardly had anything visit our garden today what with the rain here... six Starlings, three feral pigeons, one fleeting visit from a crow, and a Herring gull... pretty poor!
The RSPB has numerous nature reserves throughout the UK and we are within reach of a few where we are. But it's the WWT reserves that we visit most when we can.

Owls nesting near your house?! Brilliant :) when we went on our one and only family holiday to the New Forest in summer 2019, we heard Tawny Owls calling each night. We would sit in the garden in the dark and listen - it was amazing. Our first ever owls that we've heard. My son was scared though. It's an eerie sound... just like foxes screaming in the night - we get a lot of that in this area we've moved to.

Anyway, hope it's been a good day for you.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Crow »

Hey Coconuts,

I read on another thread that you're struggling a bit yourself at the moment. Thinking of you and hoping that you're managing to get some rest and alone time.
And despite all that, you said these lovely words;
coconuts wrote: Sat Jan 30, 2021 6:40 pm I feel like I want to help you feel confident in knowing what a great person you are. I know we tend to judge ourselves harsher than anyone else. But from the outside I admire your kindness, sensitivity, compassion, strength, and that you are passing these qualities down to your children. Its wonderful to know.
Thank you so much coconuts. That really made me smile earlier when I read that. I guess I do believe that at times... it's just hard sometimes to believe it's actually true all of the time.

You know, I thought yesterday in a moment of stress at home and I shouted at the kids - only for a moment and then apologised and explained that I was stressed, and that it wasn't their fault and I shouldn't have done... I thought about my childhood and realised that the maybe five to ten percent max that I get cross or shout etc. at home is nothing compared to the constant hostility and negativity and shouting (and worse) that I grew up with... so I need to cut myself some slack really!

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
coconuts
Member
Posts: 5839
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by coconuts »

We cant be perfect. One side affect of abuse is perfectionism. We had to essentially be perfect as children to avoid abuse and failure became something to fear. I have to remind myself of this regularly. Cause its impossible to be perfect. Its impossible to be the perfect parent. I want to be everything my kids need. But there is a chance I just cant. On the whole though I try and protect them and teach them and give them experiences in safe ways.
I think back on your comments about how you love your kids and do things with them. About how you aren't "that" kind of man and how i hope that you can pass down to your son to respect and adore the women in his life. To treat them with compassion an empathy and think of their needs before his wants. It gives me hope. You're a good dad. We all have our moments. But that just proves your human.

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Kokoschka »

Coconuts
l can only agree with your words and say that l admire both Crow and you for the kind of people and parents you are. Kudos to you both 👏👏👏 Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Crow »

Thank you so much coconuts. You really are an encourager! I think the perfectionism thing is one of the hardest things to try and deal with.

(And thanks Kokoschka for continuing to cheer me on. )

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
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