Intense and contradictory feelings

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Crow
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Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Crow »

Hi everyone,

Am I the only one who has these confusing feelings?

When I am faced with injustice or in particular someone or an organisation hurts me, lets me down, or in general is unjust, amongst many feelings and emotions, I feel such anger and hostility towards that person or those people responsible.
Just to clarify, I do not condone violence, I have never been violent as a child or as an adult to anyone, and regardless of whether someone is an adult or a child, physical actions and violent retaliation is unacceptable. (Classic trauma response - over explaining!)

So when I am wronged or treated badly or upset by someone, I try to rectify things quickly so that it minimises my hurt. It's typical me to 'need' things to be resolved and okay again. The trouble comes when that person or people do not acknowledge or seem to care for my feelings or how they have hurt me. They can't see or don't want to see how it affects me.

This is my problem... I feel such rage. I feel such anger. I have these almost intrusive thoughts and feelings where I want to and visualise hurting them physically and verbally and emotionally. I want them to hurt so badly. I want them to feel how much I am hurt. I want them to die even.

I reiterate that I have never been violent to anyone ever (not that I can recall), I have always been so beaten down myself that I have spent my life too afraid to stand up for myself or speak up.

I would never hurt anyone like that. I don't believe it solves anything. I can think it but I wouldn't act on it. These thoughts and feelings worry me. Not because I think I am capable or willing, but just thinking them is wrong in my opinion.

These thoughts and feelings can be so intense. And when they are mixed in with severe emotion and triggered reactions it's like it's not really me thinking them. When I see someone who has hurt me my stomach churns and adrenaline flows. My mind races when I think about seeing that person next. I feel like I want them to hurt so badly... and then to see them disappear.

My wife has heard me say these things out loud about previous neighbours who were hurtful and treated us unjustly. I feel this way about the work colleague I will see next week. I don't want to have these feelings and thoughts. They contradict every part of my being. I was physically, emotionally, psychologically and verbally abused for my whole childhood, how could I wish that treatment upon another person? How could I think these things?

It's such a contradiction to speak these words and have these thoughts after all I have suffered. It's so confusing.

Can anyone relate?
I hate that I have written this here. I'm not a monster I promise. I just want the world to be fair, just, and fairytale-like.

Crow
Last edited by Harmony on Mon Jan 04, 2021 11:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no specific triggering content nor language
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Deborah
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Posts: 47
Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2020 12:13 am

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Deborah »

Crow,

Nothing you've posted here makes you a bad person which it seems like you feel like a bad person for these feelings. I'm sorry if I misunderstood.

I have a lot of anger when someone treats me or someone else especially someone close to me unfairly to the point that the anger eats at me.

I have found myself at times wanting someone to feel the emotional and physical pain my mom and I feel just for a little while. I would never wish for someone to go permanently blind like my mom has been since I was a baby (Over 30 years) But sometimes I wish they'd they'd go blind for a few weeks, just to make them relate to my mom also that they wouldn't know for sure that they're getting their vision back.

The persons I've wished more pain on are the persons that abused me during my childhood and adult life. I don't wish my abusers to die right now, but yes in the future when the wicked are put to death and cease to exist during Christ's coming. I feel guilty for this because in my faith we're taught that we shouldn't want anyone to die at that time.

So, although I don't think I've had all of the feelings you're talking about. I have had some of them if I'm understanding you correctly.

I hope that I made myself understandable.
Last edited by Jonesy on Mon Jan 04, 2021 10:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed NT to MT, for religious reference
Crow
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Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Crow »

Hi Deborah,

Thank you for your kind and understanding reply. Faith is a difficult one for me because that has been shattered the past few years. I know that it is in my hands to try and rebuild that relationship with Christ, and from past experience there is much healing there, but it is a tough one currently. (I think that is also why I struggle with these feelings too.)

Logically thinking about it I should not want anyone to suffer as I have (or worse)... and really I don't, not really. I think it is because I generally want peace and am so full of empathy that it's a completely contradictory feeling. Yes, be angry but do not sin. And I don't intend to follow through with my thoughts, but I get a sort of satisfying pleasure momentarily when I picture myself exacting revenge on those unjust people who care little for my feelings.

It's just so overwhelming when I feel this way.
Thank you again.

Crow
Last edited by Jonesy on Mon Jan 04, 2021 10:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed NT to MT, for religious reference
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Chessgirl »

Crow,
I can certainly relate... just the other day I was naming all the people in the past couple of years who hurt me REALLY bad and there was a long list. I couldn’t believe it... that that many different people have let me down and hurt me sooo much. I hate that I care that much about what others think and their rejection affects me that much. I get wanting to hurt them back. I will fantasize about seeking revenge sometimes. Then, I feel guilty for feeling so strongly and wanting to be so mean. I hate that you are experiencing that.
My therapist would tell me that when I have to communicate or interact with people who are hurtful and triggering, to try to detach and observe. This helps you not to blow up accidentally. I’m realizing that when people are especially hurtful, they are often projecting. It is easy to feel so personally attached and just like you did as a helpless child not getting the love and acceptance you deserved.
Chessgirl
Chessgirl
Crow
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Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Crow »

Thank you Chessgirl. I'd hate to sit and think of a list of people! Bad enough right now just thinking about work on Monday and speaking to and seeing my manager and my colleague.
I don't even know how I will detach and observe... I can't imagine that will go so well. I'll probably over think it.
I'm also confused at why I am so vocal and standing up for myself and what I believe is right versus unjust behaviour - that is the opposite of what I have done my whole life!

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Chessgirl »

Oh I understand that feeling! For me, I feel like I let my mother, family members, and exes just walk all over me and destroy me. It infuriated me when I think about how i never stood up for myself when I needed. Now if someone does something to hurt me or take advantage of me I feel the need to make a big deal about it... perhaps because I could never do that as a child.
Geez, I can see how you would be dreading seeing your manager and colleague on Monday. If you feel like it, please let us know how it goes. I’ll be thinking about ya and hoping for the best!
Last edited by ajei on Mon Jan 04, 2021 4:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: trigger changed from MT to NT
Chessgirl
Crow
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Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Crow »

Thank you Chessgirl. I think it's going to be a losing battle initially. No one seems to see my point of view. I've had to contact the HR department and they are going to work with me. All seems really out of proportion.
I agree with what you said about not having been able to stand up for yourself as a child... I just don't know where the sudden courage has come from, particularly with the childhood trauma and triggers so 'in my face' these days, you'd think that I would shrink back and not say anything...
I'm glad this forum exists. Really helps to feel supported, understood, and not alone with all these feelings.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Deborah
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Posts: 47
Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2020 12:13 am

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Deborah »

Your Welcome Crow.
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Chessgirl »

Wow it’s going all the way to HR. I hate you have to go through all this stress.. I think it is a very positive thing that you have found this sudden courage and drive to stand up for yourself crow! I agree that this group is super helpful for validation and support. :)
Chessgirl
Kokoschka
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Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Intense and contradictory feelings

Post by Kokoschka »

Morning Crow,
Thinking of you this morning!! Kudos on the courage you found to speak and stand up for yourself👏👏👏 Wishing you that all goes well today and that the outcome fully meets your expectations. Have been there myself, can imagine how you feel.

As for those "questionable" feelings and thoughts you have, they are anything but!! I'm glad you brought up the subject. I guess most of us have them and there's nothing wrong with them except for the fact that they cause US extra damage. We don't act on them because that's not the way we are wired. You don't have to apologize and explain that this is not who you really are. OF COURSE you are not, none of us is. We wouldn't be here if we were. I wrote already that l had sued this employer and won, and still decades later the rage, anger, hatred, pain and humiliation, the need for revenge are much alive in me. In some cases even their death wouldn't get me any satisfaction. So, yes, though it doesn't do us any good, it's OK to feel this way. I for one thing, feel this way about anybody hurting an animal, nature, being inconsiderate in any way and express my desire for immediate revenge to my husband who understands and brings me down to earth again😉. Kokoschka
Last edited by Jonesy on Mon Jan 04, 2021 10:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
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