Struggling

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

Moderators: Harmony, quixote, ajei

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Ryles
Member
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Dec 08, 2020 7:38 pm

Struggling

Post by Ryles »

I hope i'm not breaking the rules by posting again so soon. I just introduced myself last night but I needed to talk so I hope this is ok.

High level I have been out of the direct (living with) abuse for a month now. I have filed for divorce (hes getting served next week). We have young children so it forces us to have daily interaction aka continued abuse.

I feel like I have gone through all these stages of grief. And my kids have been struggling, work has been rough. I have "friends" but there is only one person I can actually have a real conversation with because everyone else projects their emotions onto my situation and makes it about them. Its really damaging. Anyway this is a really hard month for me bc its the anniversary of the loss of my first baby and I don't handle it well even on years when i'm not getting divorced. The person I normally talk to, I just feel like she's got her own shit because although we talk throughout the day everyday we haven't had a substantial conversation yet this week.

I tried to talk to my therapist last night about how I'm really doing but it turned into me just telling her what she wanted to hear and masking up. She was so proud of me which just made it worse. I totally blew it but I felt too scared she would have to testify or something.

I have been so careless. I never thought I would make it to now. I don't mean that in an alarming way, he had been threatening my life and planned it so I would be alone without the kids over thanksgiving and I thought that would be the day he followed through so I planned. I sent all important information to someone in a do not read email, I bought all the kids christmas presents I did everything to prepare to die and now im alive and bitter almost. I'm not in danger i just feel angry that he didnt follow through. I know that sounds bad. Now i'm alone, actually alone. I can't burden my only friend so I am just keeping her at a distance and just trying to see what to do about this month. I wont have my kids on christmas eve or christmas day as of right now, well i'll get them around lunch on christmas. Irony, hes not even christian but celebrates the commercial holiday. I'm just not sure how I make it. I'm not sure how I keep pushing. The hard part was leaving I keep getting told but the hard part is going to be getting divorced, losing the house, the kids house, trying to pay bills on my own, splitting up 13 years of our life together into 2 separate lives, just completely voiding all these years like nothing happened and I have recordings and emails and messages that hes a monster but hes going to make this my fault. I just don't know what to do.

All I know is I feel completely alone and scared.

Again please don't kick me out for posting so soon after the intro. I was trying to wait the time period but I just felt like I was drowning and I had to try to reach out before I disappeared and no one even noticed.
Kokoschka
Member
Posts: 735
Joined: Sun Oct 11, 2020 8:01 am

Re: Struggling

Post by Kokoschka »

Hello, you are absolutely welcome to write anytime about anything you need to. Nobody here is going to kick you out for posting too soon or too much. I am only a member like you, not a director of the site, but l don't think there are any such rules.
I am sorry to read about the divorce coming up and all, it sounds like a really tough time you are going through right now. I don't know your location (time range) but l'm sure others will get back to you as soon as they read your post.

Again, feel free to write as much as you need anytime. In the meantime l wish you tons of courage and strength to carry through this ordeal. Kokoschka
..but god bless the child that's got his own... (Billie Holiday)
dragonelle
Member
Posts: 30
Joined: Sun Aug 23, 2020 9:08 am

Re: Struggling

Post by dragonelle »

Hi Ryles,

Just echoing what Kokoscha said, you're welcome to post - especially during such a scary time for you. Have you thought about printing off this post and letting your therapist read it? I've done this sometimes when I haven't been able to let the mask drop in a session - somehow the single act of passing over a piece of paper feels more achievable than saying it all.

Thinking of you, Dragonelle
"There's going to come a day when you feel better, you'll rise up free and easy on that day" - the Mountain Goats
evyn
Member
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:48 pm

Re: Struggling

Post by evyn »

Ryles, I so sorry for the circumstances that have brought to this group, but I am glad you are here. I can only imagine the grief and pain you are going through and I wish there was more I could do to help you.

But please know this, you are stronger than you may believe or realize. The courage and strength it takes to leave an abusive marriage is huge. You made a great and hard decision, and now you have made another great, hard decision to reach out here for help. You are stronger, braver and smarter than you might feel.

The road won't be easy, but we will be here with you.

Evyn
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