But what if he is hurting more than he hurts me

[Nicolexx]

Hi all, I have been going over and over in my head how to get started on this platform because this is so far out of my wheelhouse. I am 21 years old, a senior in college, and have been dating my partner for nearly 2 and a half years. We each lost a parent within the first year of dating and were very codependent ever since. He is an alcoholic and addict and has one of the biggest hearts I have ever come into contact with. In the last year or so, he has gotten violent and the verbal abuse has gotten worse as well. I have been called every name in the book, shamed, choked, bruised, shoved, had whiskey poured into my eye and then was pulled up from the floor by my hair and told to get out. He has cheated on me multiple times and the entire time I have been loyal and faithful. It has never been me to be violent and irrational, but I have found myself sometimes losing it and hitting back and I hate that. At a certain point, I feel like I lost myself, and now I am here, not proud of the woman I see looking back at me in the mirror, but without the self respect to walk away. He is in a new city with new friends, one of whom he seems to have feelings for. He broke up with me and told them that I blackmailed him (which never happened) so now they all hate me and do nothing but convince him of how toxic I am whilst not really knowing him. He called me yesterday saying she is serious competition for me and told me I could lose him and so I got in my car and drove four hours to be with him. We had sex and things were good for a while, he was telling me that I am wife material and that I deserved so much better than him (and maybe I do, maybe I don't). We planned a life together, I was supposed to move in with him within the year, uproot my whole life for him and he seems to enjoy just messing with my head. The worst part is I feel like somehow in all of this, he beats himself up more than anyone else ever could--I know the kind man is still in there, I see him, I just want to help get him out, because that man is worth everything to me. I want him back but only if he gets sober, we both want a life together so badly but when he drinks, it is almost like a demon comes out of him and the man I love is gone altogether. In the aftermath, I see him hurt, I see him wanting to die because all he does is hurt others and himself; I love him too much to leave him to deal with that alone. If anyone has any ideas of how to take this from a toxic place and maybe turn it back into something beautiful, I am all ears.

[EasyStreet]

Hi Nicolexx,

I can see the pain and conflict through your words, and am very sorry that you are suffering so. You have my support.

I’ll tell you up front I don’t have the solution you are asking for. But as the song goes” can’t always get what you want, ... you might find you get what you need”.

Enduring any kind of physical abuse in a relationship is, I think, a serious mistake. People die from this all the time.

I suggest you get some immediate help at a women’s center. They help battered women all the time, and you sound battered and abused to me.

I am totally willing to continue this conversation if you want, but won’t try to force ideas on you if you don’t want them. I’m just one member here, maybe others will add their comments.

Just know that you are important and you matter as yourself and you deserve respect and decent treatment all the time.

Let me know what you think. I’d most def call a women’s center ASAP.

Take care of yourself!

Edit: changed responsibility to respect

[coconuts]

You deserve someone who loves you and protects you and helps you feel safe. Even when there is live, when violence exists in a relationship it becomes unsafe on emotional levels as well.

He sounds like he is manipulating you to get what he wants (sex for the weekend?) It also sounds like he is expecting you to serve him. Instead of you serving one another. The situation can never be safe if he doesnt get help. And you too.

A few years back my husband became violent. I was shocked and it took a few times but i finally realized that i couldnt do that to my kids or to myself. The worst part was that he made me feel very very worthless. The physical violence was scary and bad but looking back the worst part was that because of that relationship I was ready to kill myself. When he left mt kids all came to me within a few days and one by one told me how relieved they were he was gone. Eventually he realized he was going to lose everything and sought help. He did counseling and an entire life coach program. After many months of that we got back together. To this day my guard is still up (weve been back together for over 2 years). For the first years i did lots of boundary setting. His relationship with his kids is better ( not great but at least existent). Emotionally Im still wounded from it. Those wounds take a long time to heal.

Coconuts

[Nicolexx]

I appreciate the replies--it is nice to feel cared for, even by complete strangers. I have been forced out of my apartment and he and I are supposedly getting a place together. I learned growing up that women can handle a lot, often we handle more than we should. I know he is good somewhere in there and I know I deserve good but I am broken. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I know now why I have had all of my high highs and low lows. I don't have much of anyone in my corner. It has been hard, especially with COVID, I am all alone with my thoughts all of the time and it is torture. The fact of the matter is anything awful someone has said to me, I bet I have said it to myself many times before. I often sit here wondering if the world would be a better place without me and it is hard to remind myself that isn't an option when it so clearly is. Currently, I have like no friends or family to speak of and everything in my life is a battle. I am fighting but I really feel like I'm losing. I have so much work to do and yet none of it matters--nothing matters anymore. Writing it, I see how melodramatic it sounds, but it is where I am at. And just an FYI, I will keep fighting--I know I have to--but I feel like the demons in my head are winning and that is the most terrifying thought. Xx

[coconuts]

Its a hard fight for sure. There are times it is scary hard. But Ive always made it thru and many other too. My T tries to remind me in the moment that it wont last forever. It will pass. Give it time. It wont always feel like this. It wont always hurt this bad.
Caring that this is hard for you
Coconuts

[honeybera]

Hi Nicolexx! ♥♥♥

I agree with easystreet: seek counseling at a women's center. You don't need to tell Mr. Wonderful that you're going (for your own safety).

Ask them at the women's center about the Cycle of Violence. Try to hear what they'll tell you and try to identify with it.

He's not hurting...and if he is, his hurt isn't being caused by you (no matter what he says). He's got new friends, new surroundings, and lots and lots of females. (Wow, what a catch he believes he is. ) You're right, he is playing you. And you, dear one, have low self esteem. Work on that and you'll be ok. Women's Center is a good place to start. You and Mr. W. will both benefit from the work you do on you...quietly, privately, and without his knowledge.

And suicide? At 21? Oh man. I was there at that age. What helped me was to take into my soul a saying:

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

And trust me, this is a temporary problem.

But the following is the most important thing that I can tell you:

Google Dr. Les Carter.

He's FREE, a wonderful counselor for dealing with a narcissist, available whenever you need him day or night on youtube videos each about 15 minutes long. He has helped me and thousands of others to heal. Best of luck in your own healing. What have you got to lose?

Honeybera

[Nicolexx]

Thank you--I am sitting here crying on a damn bathroom floor AGAIN and feeling worthless. I try to remember that this is temporary but goddamn I feel as though this is to be the rest of my life and that feels more painful than words can say. I have no family really to speak of and have been living in a hotel for the last few days because nowhere else feels safe. I just want everything to stop--just for a little at least. My mama would be so damn disappointed in me. I feel like this world just somehow wasn't for me. I know that is so damn self centered to say but I really feel it. I appreciate you all so much more than you know.

[mountainmover]

Hi!

First I want to say that you do deserve better. You are worthy of goodness and happiness. I found myself on this website because I was facing a similar problem.

I felt the same way, my partner and I have been together for two years. I felt like my world was ending, I spent a lot of nights crying alone in the shower or into a pillow after my partner fell asleep. I wanted to help him to, I thought he was in more pain than I was. But once it got violent again I couldn't handle the anxiety and feeling like I was walking on eggshells. You should not have to feel afraid in your relationship. You do not deserve to get hurt physically or emotionally. It took me a while to realize that I didn't and it wasn't until he put hands on me again then I raealized I deserved better and I did not want to live in fear forever.

I am still trying to work things out with my husband, but he is now taking steps to better himself, (going to counseling, staying sober, etc). I am still in a lot of pain and I am still under his thumb at times. I recommend you reach out to get yourself some help, I have and it has helped. You are not alone.