She hated me from my head to my feet
Moderators: Harmony, quixote, ajei
-
- Member
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Sat Aug 15, 2020 5:02 am
She hated me from my head to my feet
My mother was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. I've been thinking a lot lately about some of the times she would pick on me and make me feel terrible for things I really couldn't change.
- She hated my hair. When I was a kid, she used to use a blow dryer and a brush to style my hair and it always looked crappy. My parents were divorced, and one day when I was at my dad's house, I let my hair air dry. I was 13. When I went to hang up my towel like an hour after my shower, I was stunned to see that I had very curly hair. I honestly had no idea. So I started wearing my hair curly and she HATED it. She took me to a hair dresser to get my hair permed because she didn't like the way my natural hair curled and thought a perm would be better. It looked awful. And she made sure to let me know how awful my hair was all the time.
- I have worn glasses since I was in 1st grade. I also have a very low nose bridge so it's hard to find glasses that fit my face properly. She would yell at me about this. Like I could actually change it?
- She was convinced I didn't listen to her. Admittedly I would "tune out" (now I know it was dissociation) when she was going on hours long rants, screaming at me about how awful I was, etc. So yep, I dissociated. But, she was convinced I didn't listen to her and took me to have my hearing checked. Everything was normal.
- She always said my teeth were too yellow. She was going on a rant about how yellow she thought my teeth were at the dentist one time, and he picked up a chart and pointed to the color of my teeth and said, angrily, that my teeth were a perfectly normal shade and they were not overly yellow at all.
- I have a large chest and developed a bit earlier than other girls my age. I begged her for a bra because I was getting made fun of at school when I was 12 or 13. She made me wait until I was 15 before she would allow me to get a bra.
- She used to constantly tease me about being "fat" even though I wasn't.
- She also teased me for being short, even though I was taller than her.
- and lastly, my feet. She always told me I had unnaturally HUGE feet. I wear a size 7.5. She wore a 5, so my feet were "disgustingly huge".
Growing up I knew how much my parents hated each other. They didn't keep that a secret and often screamed at each other in front of me, even after they were divorced. I guess when I was very little I looked so much like my mother that they called us "Pete and Repete". As I got older, I started looking more like my father. Now I look like his female clone. But she would always tell me how upset she was that I "look like him" and tell me about how ugly he was.
All of this has done a number on my self confidence. I'm almost 43 years old and still hate the way I look to the point that it's difficult for me to look in the mirror.
But yes, looking back, there's not a part of my body that woman didn't ridicule and insult. From my head to my feet.
- She hated my hair. When I was a kid, she used to use a blow dryer and a brush to style my hair and it always looked crappy. My parents were divorced, and one day when I was at my dad's house, I let my hair air dry. I was 13. When I went to hang up my towel like an hour after my shower, I was stunned to see that I had very curly hair. I honestly had no idea. So I started wearing my hair curly and she HATED it. She took me to a hair dresser to get my hair permed because she didn't like the way my natural hair curled and thought a perm would be better. It looked awful. And she made sure to let me know how awful my hair was all the time.
- I have worn glasses since I was in 1st grade. I also have a very low nose bridge so it's hard to find glasses that fit my face properly. She would yell at me about this. Like I could actually change it?
- She was convinced I didn't listen to her. Admittedly I would "tune out" (now I know it was dissociation) when she was going on hours long rants, screaming at me about how awful I was, etc. So yep, I dissociated. But, she was convinced I didn't listen to her and took me to have my hearing checked. Everything was normal.
- She always said my teeth were too yellow. She was going on a rant about how yellow she thought my teeth were at the dentist one time, and he picked up a chart and pointed to the color of my teeth and said, angrily, that my teeth were a perfectly normal shade and they were not overly yellow at all.
- I have a large chest and developed a bit earlier than other girls my age. I begged her for a bra because I was getting made fun of at school when I was 12 or 13. She made me wait until I was 15 before she would allow me to get a bra.
- She used to constantly tease me about being "fat" even though I wasn't.
- She also teased me for being short, even though I was taller than her.
- and lastly, my feet. She always told me I had unnaturally HUGE feet. I wear a size 7.5. She wore a 5, so my feet were "disgustingly huge".
Growing up I knew how much my parents hated each other. They didn't keep that a secret and often screamed at each other in front of me, even after they were divorced. I guess when I was very little I looked so much like my mother that they called us "Pete and Repete". As I got older, I started looking more like my father. Now I look like his female clone. But she would always tell me how upset she was that I "look like him" and tell me about how ugly he was.
All of this has done a number on my self confidence. I'm almost 43 years old and still hate the way I look to the point that it's difficult for me to look in the mirror.
But yes, looking back, there's not a part of my body that woman didn't ridicule and insult. From my head to my feet.
-
- Member
- Posts: 2161
- Joined: Wed Jan 01, 2020 11:46 pm
Re: She hated me from my head to my feet
She was horribly cruel. I'm so sorry she did all of that to you and left you with so much to repair in your self image. It's heartbreaking. I hate that you had such a vicious mother.
-
- Member
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Sat Aug 15, 2020 5:02 am
Re: She hated me from my head to my feet
Thank you Watercolor. She was so abusive. And personally I think that the verbal and emotional abuse is what has stuck with me the most.
I haven't had a relationship with her in 12 years. It was the best decision I ever made.
I haven't had a relationship with her in 12 years. It was the best decision I ever made.
-
- Member
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Fri Aug 28, 2020 2:20 am
Re: She hated me from my head to my feet
Nebula, I am terribly sorry for your mothers behavior but you are beautifully wonderfully made just as you are! My mother was not cruel but neglectful and was always looking for Mr. Goodbar until she found one that killed her, but I say that to say, I was so angry and hateful feelings for my mother even in her death but in order for me to try to understand her thinking of why she ever wanted to be a mother was to reach back into her life to see how her mother treated her and found the dysfunction in her own childhood was result of her parenting skills. I only did this because I know somewhere deep down she loved us but due to her own brokenness the dysfunction continued. I can’t change what happened in my childhood but I refuse to let it define me and made an effort to break the cycle. You are a BMW!
Last edited by Harmony on Mon Aug 31, 2020 4:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited trigger indicator from MT to NT due to no specific content nor language.
Reason: edited trigger indicator from MT to NT due to no specific content nor language.
-
- Member
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Sat Aug 15, 2020 5:02 am
Re: She hated me from my head to my feet
Thanks Freedom. Sorry to hear about your mom, that's so awful.
My mother had walls built up around her and wouldn't ever let me in. I do suspect she likely had some type of childhood trauma herself. And while I do have empathy for her, I also know she's toxic and don't want her in my life.
I'm still angry with her. I'm working on trying to forgive her. I'm not there yet though.
My mother had walls built up around her and wouldn't ever let me in. I do suspect she likely had some type of childhood trauma herself. And while I do have empathy for her, I also know she's toxic and don't want her in my life.
I'm still angry with her. I'm working on trying to forgive her. I'm not there yet though.
-
- Member
- Posts: 74
- Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 2:14 pm
Re: She hated me from my head to my feet
So sorry Nebula that you were so badly treated by your mum. I think my mum treated me a bit similarly to yours, though not quite as badly i don't think. I also used to "tune out" to her shouting and constant criticism. My mum never realized however how much I tuned out as she was in her own little world, not concerned what me and my brother thought of anything - just yapped on and on about what she wanted, not caring who was listening. She said I was dirty and called me a whore - I did not even know what that even meant for years. (All the words you can think of "cow" "swine" etc.)When I put on some weight on as an adult she called me a beached whale even when I was not that big. The worst thing she said is who could ever love/want someone like me. This was something she said to me quite a lot over the years and something I totally internalized. I like you came to hate myself a lot - I actually cannot cope having a boyfriend. I am too insecure and messed up from all my abuse, not just from my mum but dad as well.
-
- Member
- Posts: 1011
- Joined: Fri Mar 22, 2019 7:36 pm
Re: She hated me from my head to my feet
Hi Nebula,
I saw your original post when you made it but just couldn’t respond.
All I could think of was Evil. You never deserved any of this.
Hanging out here may help you the way it has me. I wish the very best for you.
Be well. There is Good in the world, too.
I saw your original post when you made it but just couldn’t respond.
All I could think of was Evil. You never deserved any of this.
Hanging out here may help you the way it has me. I wish the very best for you.
Be well. There is Good in the world, too.
EasyStreet
Thanks for being
(On this forum, in my tribe, chatting or not, prosper and thrive!)
Thanks for being
(On this forum, in my tribe, chatting or not, prosper and thrive!)
-
- Member
- Posts: 9795
- Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am
Re: She hated me from my head to my feet
Nebula,
oh, jeez, just beyond horrible. Words can hurt or heal. No reasonable parent would habitually harm their child.
You deserved nurture not destructive treatment. And you deserve nurture, kindness, compassion now too.
Btw, I have a size 10 foot. I like my feet. They are my swimmer's feet.
oh, jeez, just beyond horrible. Words can hurt or heal. No reasonable parent would habitually harm their child.
You deserved nurture not destructive treatment. And you deserve nurture, kindness, compassion now too.
Btw, I have a size 10 foot. I like my feet. They are my swimmer's feet.
All women are beautiful. Period.
I deserve better than survival.
I deserve better than survival.
-
- Member
- Posts: 2584
- Joined: Sat Jun 15, 2013 4:58 pm
Re: She hated me from my head to my feet
Hi Nebula,
It sounds like our mothers are very similar. Mine was never physically abusive, she left that to her husband, but she was very emotionally and verbally abusive. I had pin-straight hair as a kid and she would do at-home curly perms constantly even though they would never hold for more than a couple weeks. She started dyeing my hair blonde when I was 12 because my natural color was "mousy" and "ugly". She constantly insulted my physical appearance, my intelligence, everything about me. I was on sports teams, in multiple choirs and theater groups, and on the rare occasion she came to any of my events she would tell me all the way home how terribly I performed and that I should just quit all of it because I had no talent. Oh, and I used to like to draw but she would yell at me for wasting paper, because apparently it doesn't grow on trees.... Looking back I think at least some of the things she insulted me on so much were things she was actually jealous of me for.
Sorry to go on so much about myself, just wanted to say that I hear you and can relate. These things can tear a person down sooooo much, and I can totally relate to the difficulties looking into a mirror. It takes a ton of work to overcome this stuff. I'm sorry that you had to grow up with all of that awfulness.
It sounds like our mothers are very similar. Mine was never physically abusive, she left that to her husband, but she was very emotionally and verbally abusive. I had pin-straight hair as a kid and she would do at-home curly perms constantly even though they would never hold for more than a couple weeks. She started dyeing my hair blonde when I was 12 because my natural color was "mousy" and "ugly". She constantly insulted my physical appearance, my intelligence, everything about me. I was on sports teams, in multiple choirs and theater groups, and on the rare occasion she came to any of my events she would tell me all the way home how terribly I performed and that I should just quit all of it because I had no talent. Oh, and I used to like to draw but she would yell at me for wasting paper, because apparently it doesn't grow on trees.... Looking back I think at least some of the things she insulted me on so much were things she was actually jealous of me for.
Sorry to go on so much about myself, just wanted to say that I hear you and can relate. These things can tear a person down sooooo much, and I can totally relate to the difficulties looking into a mirror. It takes a ton of work to overcome this stuff. I'm sorry that you had to grow up with all of that awfulness.
-
- Member
- Posts: 79
- Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2020 1:27 am
Re: She hated me from my head to my feet
I believe you and you didn't deserve any of that. Your body is yours and perfect.
Last edited by Jonesy on Thu Sep 03, 2020 6:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
what happened to you matters