Using documentation to revise my story

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Squiggy
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Posts: 197
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2011 8:07 pm

Using documentation to revise my story

Post by Squiggy »

Hey everyone. As I sometimes do late at night, I was re-reading my story a couple of weeks ago, wondering how I could fill in some missing pieces and verify some things I remembered not so well as others, and put dates on incidents for which I didn't have them. (At the time of this writing, the story is on page 12 of this sub-forum, in case anyone cares to review it.) On a previous occasion, I had written to the DCFS to ask if they still had any records pertaining to me, but I struck out - the records, if they ever existed, would have been expunged after five years of no further contact.

But I came up with another idea, of obtaining health records from when I was little, and this time I received a treasure trove of documentation. With it, I was able to confirm a lot of my memories, though I'll have to revise a few others. And it contained a few surprises, including one big one.

I remember being puny and sick a lot when I was little, but early on, these were treated as needed - this confirms my memory of the abuse and neglect getting worse over time, especially after 1989. The frequent colds are mentioned. I was a little surprised to see frequent ear infections mentioned too, but maybe I shouldn't be surprised. On five separate occasions, I'm listed as having both ears completely blocked by bloody wax and debris, that had had enough time in there to dry out and harden into a mass that required the use of chemicals and metal tools to remove. (I remember one of these times, but not the other four.) This accumulation and hardening of crud couldn't have happened overnight, and it happened over and over again. Why was it never reported?

One memory I apparently got wrong was the day I thought was in 1988 when I got sick at school, which later led to terrifying punishments from my mother for making her walk (she didn't drive) to the school to pick me up and meet the contaminated garbage collector on the way there. This illness actually happened in 1987, and on a Wednesday (not garbage pickup day). So these must have been two separate incidents.

I was curious to see how bad the underfeeding/malnourishment was, so I plotted my observed weight on a copy of the CDC's graph of normal growth rates. Until 1987, I was near the median - even above it at times. In 1989, I was around the 30th percentile; by 1992, I was in the 3rd percentile, having gained zero pounds in two and a half years. Why was this never reported?

An entry for 1990 confirms my memory of having walked around with a cold or sinus infection that steadily grew worse, coughing all day and half the night, for a whole month before they took me to see the doctor. Why was this never reported? Furthermore, it happened in March - during the school year. Why didn't the school report it?

Perhaps the biggest surprise was from the day in 1989 when I turned my ankle at school. I'm just now learning for the first time that my mother told the doctor in another room that she thought I was making up the injury for attention. Can you believe it?! I remember the doctor telling me that the ankle would likely heal with rest, ice, and elevation, which it did. But I never would have suspected until now that that bitch would have accused me of faking it. It just makes me hate her all the more.

I discussed these new findings with my friend who is also an abuse survivor, and asked her opinion. She said that my mother was probably covering her own ass, to create deniability for any future evidence of abuse that might have surfaced. She also said that's probably why there are no entries at all for about a two year period between 1990 and 1992 (in other words, when the worst of the beatings were taking place). In this case, she was likely covering my father's ass. Not that she had anything but contempt for him, of course, but she knew that as far as the authorities were concerned, as his ass went, so went hers. I've been told that few things arouse suspicion like a mix of fresh bruises and week-old bruises, and so that I wouldn't be seen with these, I never saw the doctor at all - not for my then-still-frequent illnesses and certainly not for the November 1991 beating. I'm almost surprised that I lived to tell the tale.

Anyways, I found the documentation to be very informative, a very good use of three dollars. Can anyone here think of any insights that I might have missed? My next project is to request documentation from other doctors I remember seeing at least once back in the old days, including the one in the other city I lived in between 1992 and 1997. Maybe I'll find more surprises and more information about the abuse. Can anyone here think of any other places (besides doctors) that might have documentation I could request similarly? Finally, has anyone here ever gone over their own childhood health documentation for answers about their abuse, and if so, did you learn anything useful?
coconuts
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Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Using documentation to revise my story

Post by coconuts »

I never got medical docs. Though im not sure i was every taken to drs. I know i was sickly from malnourishment.

I did however get ahold of admission documents from the mental hospital when i was 11/12. I also got ahold of my CPS records from my childhood though there were missing items.

For me they were validating and helpful. I saw that there were numerous reports and reference to numerous other reports that were not included. It also detailed interviews with my grandfather and his refusal to take a polygraph. Also the detective was confused about my parents saying one thing while everyone else saying something else. Such as my parents describing a lying decietful child while the school and teachers saw and described a polite well mannered child who never got in trouble. There was also some validation in my admissions to the mental hospital. It described my numerous scars and that i was excessively underweight. I was put on a special diet and had to drink those shakes to gain weight. My parents insisted it was all self inflicted.

There was some upsetting things. Such as at some point during the detective interviews he talked to teachers and to my family and finally came and talked to the hospitla. The hospital stated to him that I admitted to being this violent child. All i can think is that i had given up the fight. Just nodded my head conceeding to their lies. Theyd stripped me of all ppwer. At first reading this was upsetting. I felt like i didnt remember any of it and i didnt remember being this awful person but the paperwork claims i fessed up to it. After some time i realized though, why should i be surprised. I was under their control. Fully. If my parents were involved or in the same.room.at all, a simple look would have had me admitting to worse than that. They had thoroughly stropped me of autonomy and any ability to fight. They were purposely setting everything up to make me seem unbelievable. They did not want me to be believed in case i let out their secrets.

Point being that while it was validating it was upsetting as well. It took thoughtfulness to look at these things.

In the end we know our truth. Verifying the details doesnt make it more true or take any of it away. We experienced abuse. We were hurt by those who should have protected and adored us.

Wishing you luck

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Crow
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Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Using documentation to revise my story

Post by Crow »

Hi Squiggy and coconuts (and everyone else too!)

I've only just joined isurvive today, and the big push that made that happen was reading these two messages. My story is yet to be written on here, but I have been trying to find out if anyone else had obtained childhood records and what the purpose for them was (not that anyone has to explain themselves and give reasons why) and more importantly how it made them feel once they received them. So it was interesting to read your posts here.
It took a long time to work up the courage to apply for my records, and as such I wasn't prepared for what I received! I requested a particular letter that was sent to my parents by (what I thought was) my secondary school after I disclosed my abuse to the school nurse at my 14+ examination. This request was sent to the local authority and in my request I just asked for any other childhood or social services records held about me from year X to year X. With the long held belief that I was off radar and no one knew of my suffering I was shocked to receive 122 pages of records from the age of 5 through to 9 and then that one record from age 14. The failings on the part of the school and the local authority are massive considering the history!
I'm still trying to get my head around it all, and with so many redactions (third party data blanked out) it has raised so many more questions than answers. Three weeks on and I need to really print it all and get it in chronological order and try to figure it out. Sure it's in the past and it's done, but it has rewritten my childhood memories. It has given me alternative darker reasons for seemingly innocent and fun memories, and has shed light on so many lies. One major thing is that it has validated something that no one else remembers from a particular time and particular memory. It has also validated that it was abuse... not that I needed to see records of case conferences and child abuse investigations to confirm that that was what it was, but I've only recently acknowledged it for what it was, and this is so strange just writing it here.
As you say coconuts in your closing statement, it doesn't change what happened or take it away. We know our truth, but for me it has given some validation. It's also upset me a lot. The happy moments in my memories have now got some sad reasons behind them too (cryptic I know, but I'm not ready to talk about that).

I'd love to know of anyone else's experiences following obtaining records... Maybe I should start a new post?
I may also look into getting copies of medical records to see what else I find in there.
I just worry though that I'm looking too much into the past. All I expected was one letter that I wanted to see, and instead I've received a whole load of documented surprises and upset.

Take care of yourselves.
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Using documentation to revise my story

Post by Crow »

Hi everyone,

Just a quick one to ask if anyone else has obtained childhood records and how they felt once they had received them? (Not just health records but social or children's services records.)

Would be good to hear other people's experiences as Squiggy said in the original post.

What was your reaction and did it validate anything or bring back clear memories and piece things together?

Thanks so much :)

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
penguin
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Posts: 599
Joined: Wed Sep 18, 2019 11:44 pm

Re: Using documentation to revise my story

Post by penguin »

Welcome, Crow.

I requested the police report from even I reported my stepdad the first time. Nothing was done about it at the time. I saw that my mom had told the detective that I had lied and that I'd been telling people that she and my brother hit me (which they didn't and I never told anyone that). I was upset when I read that. Everything she said to him just seemed like she was trying to convince him I was lying and trying to paint my stepdad as a saint. I also read that my stepdad refused a polygraph. That was kind of validating to me. He said that he was innocent, I was lying, but he wouldn't take the polygraph. So that tells me he was clearly hiding something. There was also a now from the case worker who interviewed me that it seemed I had been coached to not tell them anything when they came to interview me. But since I didn't admit to them that he had actually touched me, they couldn't do anything.

I was pretty upset with my mom for a while after reading it, but I got past it (we actually have a pretty good relationship now). I did feel validated reading the detective report, it read like he believed me and knew something was wrong, I just wouldn't disclose enough of what was happening for them to act.
Crow
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Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Using documentation to revise my story

Post by Crow »

Hi Penguin,

Interesting to read your story here. I understand that people deal with facts at a certain time and that everyone has limited information to make judgements and decisions, but as children we should be believed and taken seriously regardless of whether we make disclosures or not - we were children.
Like you obtaining my records validated things for me and helped to put some pieces of the puzzle together. For me though, there were notes and reports detailing social services' involvement from the age of 5 up until I was 9. And then when I was 14 I finally had the courage to disclose my abuse to the school nurse, and despite there being lots of notes and other agencies' involvement, after my parents wrote a letter to make it all go away the social worker dealing with my disclosure wrote a letter to me at my home address which until 23 years later (4 weeks ago) was the first I saw of it!!! It stated that my parents had written and I'd signed it (forced to) and outlining what and who I needed to do and contact if I needed help. They failed me! With all the history of services' involvement they failed to act. With names being previously on the child protection register they failed to act appropriately and follow up. And worse still, the social worker was the same one that was on my case five years prior to the disclosure who dealt with that! How can these failings happen?!

So like I said in my previous post, I now have so many more questions and a lot of frustrations too.
I don't know what to say to family, how to confront them, where to go from here. Such a massive decision. How do I relate to those who I have discovered have lied to me?

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Squiggy
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Posts: 197
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2011 8:07 pm

Re: Using documentation to revise my story

Post by Squiggy »

Friday afternoon, requested a similar set of documents from another place. We'll see what I get back.
Crow
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Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Using documentation to revise my story

Post by Crow »

Six weeks on and I'm still trying to get my head around this discovery in my childhood records - records that I didn't know existed.

I know I am repeating myself here but I don't know how to process this. Up until last month I thought I was unknown to services... my whole life I lived with this secret that I hid and struggled through childhood with, and all this time I was in fact known to services. It just angers me more that there were so many failings.

I get it, I'm 37 now and it's in the past, but I can't get this out of my head!

All I was after was one letter, and I got a whole lot of history that I kind of wish I didn't know about. It's bad enough living with abuse and being confused and messed up in my head as a result, but to now have files that show that help was within reach for years and I was unaware of it. Worse still I was failed by the services that are meant to protect children!

Sorry to go over the same ground here...

A few years ago I was blissfully living my life with all this buried somewhere in my head, suppressed and not affecting me. Now it seems to consume me.

This whole request for that letter wasn't about validation really it was just to clarify what the letter was that I vaguely remember. Now I've opened up something that has further impacted me...

Having a tough time with all this :(
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
coconuts
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Posts: 5839
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Using documentation to revise my story

Post by coconuts »

I kind of know what you mean. When i got my CPS records ans saw call after call report after report and nothing ever happened. I know why. My mother was a master manipulator. She was legally blind for half of that and looked weak and helpless. But they had no idea the depths of her control over us. I had only recalled talking to CPS a handful of times. I denied things every time. Some of that was simply not knowing or understanding and some of it was fear. One time i called them back and told them I had lied. I remember the tears pouring down my face while i calmly told the social worker i was safe and had a good home and he didnt need to worry about me. What he couldnt see was my mother holding a knife to my throat as I called and told him this. I found that record. The guy didnt believe the phone call. But said there was nothing he could do if I wouldnt reveal.

I can say, being a teacher. Being on the other side is so so frustrating. The limits of the law while they protect also hinder our ability to help children. I have students i have called on again and again and again. One student pair we just started calling every day on. It was so bad. And CPS told us they were going to charge us with harassment if we didnt stop. Finally the kids older sister showed up at the ER saying her dad had raped her. He denied it but said he was only dry humping her and willingly signed away his legal rights to be a parent. But it took over a year of calling all the time. And in the end nothing happened until a kid showed up in ER. We have called on kids over and over. Then i run into the parents in the store and have to deal with their anger because they know its us calling. My boss told us to deny it and lie thru our teeth and he will back us up. Some of these people are positively terrifying. I have been afraid of being hit by at least 2 fathers.

Anyways just trying to say that its not even so much the people who failed you and me. Its a system. And Ive looked at it and cant figuee out how to fix it. The laws are there to protect families from being wrongly accused. The system is overburdened. There arent enough foster families. If they took kids away there is no where for them to go. And the kids love their parents. They will stick up for them and deny any wrong doing. They are afraid of losing their family, it may be abusive but it is their definition of love. The idea of losing that is terrifying.

In the end, we cant change it. In the end we were failed on multiple levels. I used to call myself invisible. Some of that was self inflicted but some of it was from years of not being seen. You should have been seen. You should have been protected and helped. Someone should have helped you. You should have been loved and honored from the start. Abuse is a lot about betrayal. I think thats what messes with us. The physical acts will fade but the betrayal lingers for a very long time.
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Crow
Member
Posts: 1434
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Using documentation to revise my story

Post by Crow »

Hi Coconuts,

Thank you for your reply, and I'm so sorry to hear what you had to endure. I have to admit that I'm definitely someone who compares myself to others so much (not in a good way either) and end up feeling like a failure or a fraud. I often read things on here and feel like 'what am I complaining about? - I didn't have to endure that'. But I know that also what I endured wasn't fun either, and was prolonged and sustained for well over 10 years as a child.

The thing that is hard is that as you rightly said yourself, children have an experience or experiences and these are their normal. They don't have anything to gauge it against. And then there is the embarrassment and shame of others knowing about what goes on behind closed doors. Add into that the desire to be loved and the hope that one day things will change, and the drive to keep things quiet continues. There's also that fear that if I told things would get worse - much worse.
So when I read my records there's nothing of the 99% of what went on at home, just the 1% and the assessments and involvement to reduce the risks.
Services have a job to do and its hard if they are unaware of the magnitude of things.

After I also recently requested records from my old secondary school of my disclosure (they hadn't got them anymore), the current head teacher phoned me and was very moved by my email and the nature of the request that he wanted to talk to me personally about it. Even though he wasn't there at the time twenty years or so ago, he wanted to try and help. I went in and spoke for a few hours to their safeguarding lead about current policies and procedures for keeping children safe, and I talked about my experiences a little. The lady there is so passionate about keeping children safe. She cried just recalling things that have been disclosed to her (anonymously of course). She apologised for what happened to me and the failings of the school at the time and the services that were meant to protect me. There are some lovely and passionate people out there working hard to protect children, but like you have rightly said Coconuts, the system is broken. They are getting there. They are learning, but there's always those who slip by undetected - just like me for a lot of my childhood.

Thank you to everyone who is helping me at this time :)

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
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