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Hello isurvive.org Friends:

I'm struggling to climb out of my dark place. I'm wondering if anyone has any recommendations on reading resources for adult survivors of verbal, physical and emotional abuse? I live in a very rural area. I cannot find a support group within several hours of my location. My job requires that remain within a certain distance ( radius ) from work. And we do not have therapists in our area.

I have not been able to sleep more than a couple of hours per night....for nearly two months. I'm re-living some of the more brutal incidents of my youth. A couple of them involve my father choking and smothering me until I was unconscious. He then would grab me by my feet and swing me around the carpeted floor until I came to. As soon as I would wake up and start crying because of getting rug burns and bouncing off of furniture....he would laugh and say "Come on tough guy.......whatcha going to do?" His brutality increased depending how much alcohol he drank. My brain then rapidly remembers the thousands of times he would whack me on the head with his wedding ringed finger. The ring portion being more pronounced in the strike or whack me with a cupped hand on one ear then the other all the while telling me how stupid, fat, lazy and would not amount to anything. My hearing was never very good as a young adult....and now....hearing aids help some....but I guess eventually they won't help. My wonderful father had a sit down talk with me the day I turned 10. He informed me that I needed to find a job that coming summer......because I was " Home too much." Then at age 12......he informed me that I needed to find year round work because I was home too much after school. So, for 45 years and counting......work had become my safe place and my friend of sorts. All of these things and more keep tormenting me when I eventually fall asleep....which wakes me up in a panic and I fight going back to sleep. This happens on and off...I can never get far away from it for very long.

I've tried to do searches.....but I'm not finding much that adresses my issues of no self esteem, no perception of self and constant fear / anxiety. I'm exhausted and my body is wearing out. My goal is to not bring this never ending loop / sense of fear or doom to my grave. Any recommendations are appreciated more than I can write in words!

Sorry if this is a jumbled mess......I feel like jumbled mess inside right now.

Oh, BossMustang,
I feel so sad reading this.
You did nothing to deserve this horrific mistreatment.

You are valuable and you matter, BosMustang.

I have to consider your question and do some searching . I've probably read something.

You aren't alone.

The first book that comes to mind is The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk.
I was treated for a while at the place where he was dire tor. Saw him in conferences occasionally while I was in waiting room.
He's not a perfect person, but he is passionate about helping people heal from trauma.

Thinking of you, BossMustang.

Thank You!!! Thank You!!! Thank You!!!

I just placed an order for the book. This will hopefully be a start......for me to understand myself and hopefully to begin some semblance of healing.

Thank You once again!!

It sounds like you need to talk to someone. There are phone therapists I have seen on lline that will do therapy over the phone. Just need to google.
Hope you lose your demons

You're suffering a lot, from the sounds of things and I'm sorry to hear this. I also hate that the resources in range of you are so limited...that therapy isn't an option.

Everyone is different with what hits the mark for them. I wonder whether you might find some online articles about complex PTSD helpful. And there's quite a bit out on the web about the effects of childhood trauma on adults that might be worthwhile to you.

I read a great deal when I first started recovery, but now not nearly as much. Some books by therapists and theorists were weighty but not terribly helpful to me. I did find it useful to learn what trauma is and how it affects people. I appreciated having my symptoms and struggles validated. I read a few survivor memoirs, I read books on PTSD, dissociation, emotional/verbal and other abuse, etc. In a rural area, your library may not have the resources a city library would.

I found Amazon useful in reading reviews of books I thought might be helpful and often a preview is available where you can see the table of contents. A person can come closer to ordering something that relates to them, that way. One of the first books I snagged back in 2008 was "Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused" by Steven Farmer. It's a long time ago now, but I remember it being a help early on. I also remember appreciating "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward. Both are "old" books and my perspective was someone who was in a good deal of denial initially, so I was wrestling my way out of that. But this might not be the case for you, at all.

Just kind of thinking out loud here. Others here may suggest resources that are more closely aligned with your needs. I'll keep thinking...

I just realized you have two very similar threads and I posted some thoughts about reading materials on the other one. Van Der Kolk came to mind to me also. He's not light reading, for sure. He also has a website where he's published many articles online.

I immediately thought of the body keeps the score as well. It's very scientific and deep reading. Not a light read. But very interesting imo.

There are some other threads and resources on isurvive. I'd have to remember where. Maybe this weekend I will point tou in the direction.

Hi BossMustang,

I have merged the duplicate topics you posted, so that all information will be in one place.

I'm also sorry to hear that in-person therapy isn't an option where you live. Have you thought about online therapy? I know it's not for everyone, but might be worth looking into.

We have quite a few resources listed here on isurvive. Maybe something in this link would be helpful to you?

viewtopic.php?f=66&t=8477

I wish you well and hope you find this place as caring and supportive as I always have.

With care,
Serenity

Thanks to all for their recommendations. And I apologize for having two similar threads going. I wanted one to be a brief introduction and the other seeking advice on reading resources. I guess the two got blended together since my head is a bit of a tangled mess at the present time.

I believe Amazon will be a helpful resource to obtain reading materials from recommendations here. I will also consider the telephone therapy sessions.

Thanks again.....my your day be full of sunshine and positive thoughts. I'm presently watching the sunrise ( beautiful pinks, orange and yellows on the horizon ) and remembering that each day is a gift.