Any Reading Resource Advice?
Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2020 10:30 pm
Hello isurvive.org Friends:
I'm struggling to climb out of my dark place. I'm wondering if anyone has any recommendations on reading resources for adult survivors of verbal, physical and emotional abuse? I live in a very rural area. I cannot find a support group within several hours of my location. My job requires that remain within a certain distance ( radius ) from work. And we do not have therapists in our area.
I have not been able to sleep more than a couple of hours per night....for nearly two months. I'm re-living some of the more brutal incidents of my youth. A couple of them involve my father choking and smothering me until I was unconscious. He then would grab me by my feet and swing me around the carpeted floor until I came to. As soon as I would wake up and start crying because of getting rug burns and bouncing off of furniture....he would laugh and say "Come on tough guy.......whatcha going to do?" His brutality increased depending how much alcohol he drank. My brain then rapidly remembers the thousands of times he would whack me on the head with his wedding ringed finger. The ring portion being more pronounced in the strike or whack me with a cupped hand on one ear then the other all the while telling me how stupid, fat, lazy and would not amount to anything. My hearing was never very good as a young adult....and now....hearing aids help some....but I guess eventually they won't help. My wonderful father had a sit down talk with me the day I turned 10. He informed me that I needed to find a job that coming summer......because I was " Home too much." Then at age 12......he informed me that I needed to find year round work because I was home too much after school. So, for 45 years and counting......work had become my safe place and my friend of sorts. All of these things and more keep tormenting me when I eventually fall asleep....which wakes me up in a panic and I fight going back to sleep. This happens on and off...I can never get far away from it for very long.
I've tried to do searches.....but I'm not finding much that adresses my issues of no self esteem, no perception of self and constant fear / anxiety. I'm exhausted and my body is wearing out. My goal is to not bring this never ending loop / sense of fear or doom to my grave. Any recommendations are appreciated more than I can write in words!
Sorry if this is a jumbled mess......I feel like jumbled mess inside right now.
I'm struggling to climb out of my dark place. I'm wondering if anyone has any recommendations on reading resources for adult survivors of verbal, physical and emotional abuse? I live in a very rural area. I cannot find a support group within several hours of my location. My job requires that remain within a certain distance ( radius ) from work. And we do not have therapists in our area.
I have not been able to sleep more than a couple of hours per night....for nearly two months. I'm re-living some of the more brutal incidents of my youth. A couple of them involve my father choking and smothering me until I was unconscious. He then would grab me by my feet and swing me around the carpeted floor until I came to. As soon as I would wake up and start crying because of getting rug burns and bouncing off of furniture....he would laugh and say "Come on tough guy.......whatcha going to do?" His brutality increased depending how much alcohol he drank. My brain then rapidly remembers the thousands of times he would whack me on the head with his wedding ringed finger. The ring portion being more pronounced in the strike or whack me with a cupped hand on one ear then the other all the while telling me how stupid, fat, lazy and would not amount to anything. My hearing was never very good as a young adult....and now....hearing aids help some....but I guess eventually they won't help. My wonderful father had a sit down talk with me the day I turned 10. He informed me that I needed to find a job that coming summer......because I was " Home too much." Then at age 12......he informed me that I needed to find year round work because I was home too much after school. So, for 45 years and counting......work had become my safe place and my friend of sorts. All of these things and more keep tormenting me when I eventually fall asleep....which wakes me up in a panic and I fight going back to sleep. This happens on and off...I can never get far away from it for very long.
I've tried to do searches.....but I'm not finding much that adresses my issues of no self esteem, no perception of self and constant fear / anxiety. I'm exhausted and my body is wearing out. My goal is to not bring this never ending loop / sense of fear or doom to my grave. Any recommendations are appreciated more than I can write in words!
Sorry if this is a jumbled mess......I feel like jumbled mess inside right now.