Self destructive with words

[Chessgirl]

Hey sorry I keep posting so much. Been in bed sick doing a lot of thinking and this helps me to pass the time and work through all that’s going on in my head.

Does anyone else have experience with saying things that you don’t even really want to say that you know will make the person you are talking to not like you? Like even if you like the person. For example, being on a date with someone you like but saying something that you KNOW will either disgust them or turn them off but you say it anyway and you don’t even really know why? I’m guessing it’s like a subconscious way of self destructing. Or at work, with your coworkers saying something that you know makes you look dumb but you say it anyway and you regret it later and think why did I say that? Why would i want to hurt myself like that? Of course there’s been the times that I was drunk and verbally abused someone I loved but this is different. These times I’m talking about often occurred while I was sober and in a good situation with someone I respected and cared about but decided to say something that I knew would make them not like me. It’s very strange ...

[greendreamdays]

Hi Chessgirl,

No need to apologize. I do say some things that I know someone may not like or completely agree with if it's something I believe is true so I can speak my mind without feeling like I can only say things other will agree with, and also for the opportunity to start a dialogue about something we disagree with in the hopes of meeting each other in the middle, or at least so we can understand each others perspective and get everything out on the table even if we don't end up agreeing. There are plenty of things I say that I think make me look stupid, but I am always surprised that nobody treats me as stupid as I can make myself feel.

[Chessgirl]

I can relate to that, although this feels a little different. I can almost feel myself trying to sabotage my relationships with my words. Sometimes I don’t even believe the things I’m saying. It’s hard to think of an example.... it happens so fast when I do it that it’s hard to understand my thought process. It feels as though I can’t stand for people to like me and as soon as I see someone starting to like me I try to mess it up perhaps? Party could be that I can’t stand for other people to feel uncomfortable so I will try to make them feel comfortable even if that means making myself uncomfortable. Putting the needs and feelings of someone else before my own perhaps? Like if I feel that a guy really likes me and is intimidated by me, I’ll try to make myself look undesirable to make him feel less uncomfortable? I don’t really understand what I’m describing here. It confuses me but something I know I do.

[Volat]

Great thread! I do the same thing. For me it came from intellectual and emotional exploitation. If I could have a dislikable reflex that kicks in every time someone gets too close I found that I could prevent people from squeezing me for their desired (unnatural) responses.

[Chessgirl]

Oh I never thought of it that way! Yes that makes perfect sense though! Thank you!

[Progress]

Yeah, I guess I always preferred to come off as ditzy, which could be pretty off-putting. It’s hard to describe my exact technique. It was never threatening or insulting. But just enough ditziness to drive someone away. If someone is trying to get close to you, and you can never grasp what they mean, and you never allow for any kind of emotional or intellectual intimacy, they finally just quit. But they have no reason to hate you. They just think you’re an idiot. And so they stay away. Perfect! I’m an idiot genius! Haha

So yup, chessgirl, I used to sabotage relationships before they could even happen. It’s still an automatic response at certain times, and I try to catch myself and stop doing it. I prefer to be more upfront with people these days, now that adult me knows I am in a safe place in my life.

In solidarity with you and the ways we keep people away from us to feel safe!
Progress

[Chessgirl]

Yes! I would try to come off ditsy too. I’d listen to myself and think “wow I sound like an idiot and I know I’m not”... I guess it’s just a way to keep people from thinking too highly of me. I isolate myself now a lot but maybe once I get back out there in the work force again, I’ll be better about it. I don’t do it with my husband and daughter just other people. I’m sure I did it with my husband in the beginning but he always said he saw something in me buried deep within me that attracted him to me. He said he always knew I was trying to push him away and he wanted to stick it out. Im