She didn’t believe me

[GreenTomatoe]

I can’t believe it. I can. I knew it would happen but yet I still tried one last time to tell her she married, divorced and got back together with a fucking groomer/pedophile/rapist.
She said, “How does my relationship concern you.”
It was like a slap in the fucking face.
I’m hurt.
I’m shocked.
I’m surprised. I shouldn’t be though.
I told her I was raped years ago by a different man and she looked at me blankly and looked away and changed the subject.
I thought if I texted it to her she’d have no choice but to fucking read it because it’s right in her face. I said straight up, “He raped me and he groomed me.” And I told her everything else I’d been holding back.

But nope. She treated me like we were strangers.
Which isn’t far off considering when I hadn’t seen but kept somewhat in contact with her years ago she said I barely recognize you, you’re like a stranger to me. My mom doesn’t see me as her daughter anymore.

She doesn’t care.
And I care.
I don’t want to care.
It still hurts that she just won’t care.
She never has cared.
Emotionally she has just never been there.
Even if she kept the household together and did things for me and bought me things emotionally she was never there.
That’s what it was. I could never pinpoint how she truly affected me emotionally.
I could never talk to her.

My mom told me years ago that her mom, my gramdma never taught her about her body and periods and sex. That they never talked much. Which I was shocked at hearing considering how loving and kind my grandmother was to me and how close my mother seemed with her. I keep looking at all the women in my family and see similarities with that.
It’s evident that the women in my family are emotionally unavailable to their daughters and sons, maybe even partners.
I feel let down as a daughter.

I remember my mom telling me when I was 16, I don’t have to respect your feelings. I took it as basically telling me my feelings don’t matter. I’m still not sure if that’s what she meant. I’m not really sure how else I’m supposed to interpret that. I had tried telling her that what she said hurt my feelings. I’m still not sure if I was in the wrong in that situation. Is it acceptable to tell your mother what she said hurt your feelings? Did I disrespect her by saying that? I’m genuinely not sure tbh…

I’m just sad.
I don’t know.
I don’t think she reported my dad at all with this new knowledge.
I think she fabricated the whole thing and kept up the charade all these years.
Every damn time I’d ask for the papers she’d say I don’t know where they are, they’re buried in the closet.
I believed her every time because I’m stupid.
I have never seen them.
I don’t even know what the papers are she claims she has about my abuse.
But I know I’ve never seen them at all. Ever.

I never questioned it. She had me wrapped so tight around her finger, I never questioned a damn thing she said. And I wonder how many other times has she lied to me. And I just believed her. Because of course my mother wouldn’t lie to me, she has my best interests in mind. Other course she wouldn’t do that.

I feel so hurt that she would continue to be with him knowing even without the sexual abuse to me that he was drunk and doing drugs and beating her around me. It was an abusive environment. The screaming, the crying, the shouting, the drugs, the banging on the doors, the stalking, the harassing, the moving everytime he’d find her, the constant calls, the constant coming home blackout drunk, the driving drunk, the public outbursts and fights and arguments, the cheating, the women over in the home, the smells, the porn, the filth, the alcohol stashed all throughout the houses we’d live in, the drama, just the everything. How can you be with someone who exposed your daughter to all of that?? How can you just not care???
How can you just disregard your daughter’s feelings on that?

The fucked up thing is she’s right. It’s not my relationship.
It doesn’t concern me. But it still hurts. And I hoped she’d at least recognize that.
She was so cold and I thought it was my stepfather texting because it was so unlike her to text like that. So cold and distant and uncaring. No emotion. No feeling. No emojis. No I love you, but-. No I miss you. No I hope you’re doing well. I guess she’s just not pretending anymore?

I just have a horrible feeling that in 5-10 years she’ll have a new family with him. Whether it’s adopted or born. And I’ll be forgotten and discarded, disowned basically daughter. It’s scary. I don’t have parents. I’ve always had at least my mom or when I reached out to my dad, I had him. But now I have no parents. My mom wants nothing to do with me.

I’m almost certain she believes that me and my stepfather were in a relationship. But we weren’t! How would a 13 year old and 40 year old man be in a relationship. Even a 16 year old would be victim of grooming!!! That pregnancy test when I missed my period? I keep having to remind myself that. But it’s hard to not blame myself.

The look she gave me when my stepfather was subtly abusing me in front of her in the kitchen. I know the look now. It’s jealousy. That look she gave me when I told her I was raped. It’s you’re a slut. When she screamed at me for writing Sex stories about my father and brother. I was a slut at 13 years old apparently even though I never left the house without her except for school, no sports, no events, or had any friends I hung out with.

My mother convinced me that she was inside my head for the majority of my life. She doesn’t know me at all. That’s evident. She convinced me. Oh she convinced me good. And I fell for her caring and loving mother act just because we shared laughs and because she hugged me. But see that’s where it stops. She just never allowed me to feel emotions. So I started suppressing them. Anytime I showed emotions, she got angry. Anytime I cried she got angry. Anytime I get “too excited” or “too silly” she’d bring me down and say I’m doing too much. I’ve never had anyone do that in my adult life who wasn’t toxic. Just commenting on what I was doing constantly. Constantly picking on me. That hurts. Like why? Why. Then ask why I’m not a happy kid anymore.

Towards the end I just felt like I was pleading with her. Pleading with her to please care.
I told her about my developing health issues and how I’ve been falling, sick and in pain. About how I can barely eat anything, etc. No reply.
Then I finally said why can’t you just care. No reply to that either.
Then she blocked me.
She fucking blocked me.
My own mother hates me.
I was rejected by my own mother.
I guess she doesn’t have enough love to share for me and her pedopartner.
I think I’m more angry than hurt. Idk I’m just there’s no words to describe what I’m feeling because I’m feeling so many emotions at once it’s like a idk.

[Progress]

Oh greentomatoe,
It hurts so much. Your mom is so narcissistic. In her eyes, everything about you is something she sees as either:
It makes her feel like a good mom
Or
It makes her feel like a bad mom.

And she cannot accept feeling like a bad mom, or a bad person so she controls you, and ignores all the bad stuff she’s done, ignores anything you say that paints her in a bad light. She just cannot accept anything that doesn’t make her feel like she is perfectly awesome.

It hurts so much to realize it was never about you. It was always about her. It was never a mother’s profound, eternal love, that kind that you hear about. Apparently my own mother cries, not because she committed heinous crimes against her own children, but because “how did I lose my daughter?” You know, somehow she can find a way in her mind to play the victim. Yeah, well, don’t traffic your children!

I can’t understand it. It’s the ultimate rejection. I’m so sorry greentomatoe. It’s so confusing and so so painful.

I hope things get easier. Sad for you and your struggles,

Progress

[Chessgirl]

Oh greentomatoes,

I can really relate to a lot of what you shared and I’m so very sorry. My mother was not there for me emotionally either. One time when I was 8, she punished me for crying and saying “I don’t feel like anyone loves me”.... I asked her why was I in trouble for talking about my feelings and she said I was not allowed to talk about my feelings if it hurt other people’s feelings. So basically I was never allowed to express negative feelings. I felt so alone and at the time, I did not realize this was so abnormal. So unhealthy. Talking about feelings is healthy and should be encouraged. I think like your mom, mine was narcissistic and selfish and just simply never cared about our well being or what was healthy. It is of no great loss to have your mother out of your life. You have every right to be angry and hurt. She does not deserve you. She knew of the abuse you were put through and she did nothing. You are right that she was jealous of you. Saw you as competition. My therapist told me my mother was jealous of my youth. She could never get her youth back, but I had mine and she could not stand that. It is a special kind of hell to be the daughter of a woman who is jealous of you. You are so worthy of love and I’m sorry you were robbed of this by your mother. You are strong and loving and kind. She could never be like you and please remember that you are nothing like her. You don’t need her and you deserve better.

[Oceantide]

dear greentomatoes,

How painful. The realization she's incapable of loving you. The anger and grief at having believed she did love you (narcissists can be very good at performing intimacy), when in fact it was always about her. Believing she loved you may have saved your life, it likely helped you survive for many years. It's hard to realize it was a lie, a performance.

But that's on them. You are very lovable. Your feelings matter immensely. You were trying to express them, as any healthy human would. She's a very sick woman.

[GreenTomatoe]

How painful. The realization she's incapable of loving you. The anger and grief at having believed she did love you (narcissists can be very good at performing intimacy), when in fact it was always about her. Believing she loved you may have saved your life, it likely helped you survive for many years. It's hard to realize it was a lie, a performance.

I haven’t the energy to reply a long response. But I wanted to say thank you for your reply. I greatly appreciate it.

Her performance was so convincing to the point where I thought I was the actor. I remember her always saying “Cut the act.” When I would cry or have a panic attack or get hurt/angry. She made me think my emotions were fake and now I have trouble believing my emotions. It’s gotten better as I’ve cut contact with her and over the years. But I just realized that by your comment. Like wow. My feelings were valid and she constantly invalidated them…

[GreenTomatoe]

Oh greentomatoes,

I can really relate to a lot of what you shared and I’m so very sorry. My mother was not there for me emotionally either. One time when I was 8, she punished me for crying and saying “I don’t feel like anyone loves me”.... I asked her why was I in trouble for talking about my feelings and she said I was not allowed to talk about my feelings if it hurt other people’s feelings. So basically I was never allowed to express negative feelings.

Your mother sounds like mine and I’m so sorry that you can relate. It’s so surprising that she was jealous of me. It’s bizarre. That’s why it took so long for me to figure it out. Thank you for validating my feelings and thank you

[GreenTomatoe]

Your mom is so narcissistic. In her eyes, everything about you is something she sees as either:
It makes her feel like a good mom
Or
It makes her feel like a bad mom.

And she cannot accept feeling like a bad mom, or a bad person so she controls you, and ignores all the bad stuff she’s done, ignores anything you say that paints her in a bad light. She just cannot accept anything that doesn’t make her feel like she is perfectly awesome.

Yeah that makes sense. Thank you for that explanation.
I can’t understand it either…it really really really is. I hate it. I hate that she couldn’t love me. I hate that she wasn’t capable of it. It’s not fair at all. Thank you