On the Chessboard 2021

[Chessgirl]

Hey coconuts

I love the suggestion about picking up on my body’s warning signs before I blow up. I definitely think you are right about it being my body’s way of protecting myself when I feel unsafe. I certainly do not feel totally safe right now, but I can use these tools to try not to hurt anyone else. Everything you wrote in your response was useful, so thank you so much for your wise feedback. I appreciate the help and support so much.

[coconuts]

Oh I'm glad it was helpful. I kept worrying i said it all won't and sounded lecturey or know it all or something. Please know that by far you are not the only person who has hurt themselves and others while trying to grasp wildly to some sense of safety

[earthhorse]

Ah Chessgirl,

I feel so much for you.

I have done very similar things.

It's a meltdown in my case, just overwhelmed with pent up stress, irritation and self loathing. It's "f'k off' mode. People think of violent acts as smashing something or hitting someone. But I sure feel like I am being destructive and violent with my actions and words, emotional and verbal abuse - it's switching into someone I don't recognize, but secretly feel must be my ' true' self. It's not with intention. It's something that overcomes me. And I always deeply regret and hate myself deeply for it. It's going way too far because I don't expect to be heard and feel totally unseen. Or it takes me a while to realize I am in that mode.. it's when I feel like the whole world is basically my enemy.

I think the issue is, is really all about the past. Even if things are real grievances in the present. The intensity is informed by trauma. It will mellow Chessgirl and you are going to be able to manage this too. Please be kind to you. Kindness is the only way through. The only thing that breaks the cycle.

It sucks you need to rely on your partner to cover therapy costs. I really hate that position you are in. But it seems like it's not really a choice, you need to tend to your mental health, not just for your well being but for your family. Are there any other services out there that can allow you more autonomy? But if not, either way, it's of vital importance and you are more than worth it.

Caring about you so much. You are lovable, you are loved and completely accepted.

Love,
EH

[earthhorse]

Also just wanted to say Chessgirl, you are a good person. You made a mistake, things have been very rough and sometimes we hurt the ones we love the most when we lash out. But you deserve forgiveness. I know you always explain and apologize. You work very hard on yourself and healing. You deserve forgiveness, you deserve understanding and compassion.

Love,
EH

[Chessgirl]

Oh EH,

Thank you for assuring me that I do deserve forgiveness. Lately, even this morning, I think about leaving my husband and going off on my own just because I don’t feel like a good person. Like he deserves better and like I can’t change. I appreciate you telling me that it will get better and easier for me- not hurting others. You are right that I have been going through a rough and stressful time. This time won’t last forever and things will be easier to manage eventually. I do hate relying on my partner so much for finances and maybe after I have the baby, finding a good job will be something that really helps turn things around for me. I will work on being kinder to myself and to others. Your thoughtful reply has been so helpful and encouraging. Thank you EH!

[Chessgirl]

The hyperemesis is back. Spent all night in the labor and delivery room even though I’m 32 weeks. Can’t keep anything down so there’s the threat the baby could come early. It’s been hell.... I’ve never been so depressed I don’tthink.

[Oceantide]

oh, Chessgirl, that's sooo hard! We're sending strong vibes of health and comfort to you and the baby!!

[Chessgirl]

Thank you Oceantide!
They gave me a script for zophran at the hospital so I hope my doctor will continue giving this to me. It helps with nausea but my doctor doesn’t like giving it and I had to beg for it in the beginning. My hyperemesis went away for a few months so I didn’t think I would ever need it again. I read that if you are this sick in the third trimester they can induce you early due to the exhaustion and dehydration so maybe that’s an option. I want this pregnancy to be over so bad. Thank you for thinking of me and showing support!

[Progress]

Aw chessgirl, how awful!
Glad you got some relief. I hope you can stay well, medication or not. Pregnancy is so hard, even without something awful like being so so sick.
Sending you caring thoughts and well-wishes! You are a strong person, handling so many hard things.
Take good care,
Progress

[coconuts]

Oh man thats awful. Ugh. I always had the morning sickness for the first 6 months and then got a few months reprieve from throwing up just to be miserable in other ways. I was a way unhappy pregnant lady. I have no idea how i made it thru so many pregnancies. Probably cause i didnt really have much choice. But ugh. Im so sorry its so awful. Zophran was a life saver. Insurance was so dumb with my first few pregnancies and would only cover 1 per day or maybe even less. It was awful just choosing when i would only be sorta sick and when i would be very sick. Ugh. Hoping this doesn't last. This pregnancy is not being kind to you.

Coconuts