On the Chessboard 2021

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Thanks Crow,

I can tell that you REALLY do understand what recovery is like. The agony of the relapse. You know how much determination and strength it takes. It’s like getting knocked down really hard and getting bruised but somehow finding the strength to get back up and try again. I love that I have somehow made you think and reflect about your own addiction. That’s what is so great about recovery. We help each other through our own experiences. I do remember you mentioning before about something you were having trouble staying away from. I know you can conquer this addiction, but you gotta keep working at it! Thanks for sharing your own experience with me. I know I’m not alone and it really motivates me.

Sorry yesterday I had a lot I wanted to say, but felt extremely overloaded with stuff going on. My sobriety is going well. March 21 i believe was the last relapse so I’m doing good with that. I went to see a psychic yesterday. I know you are a devout Christian so I don’t know how you or others feel about it. I’m glad I went. This lady is full of so much goodness and wisdom. She knew dates and names and circumstances that I did not tell her. She didn’t know anything about me before the session. I connected with my grandmother who I took care of before she died. I wanted to ask my grandmother if she understood why I went no contact. I also asked her if she wanted me to talk to my father. These are all the facts the psychic told me:

1. There was a dispute with my parents after my grandmothers death over resources. (This is true but the fight with my parents was over so much more than resources)

2. That my parents are highly involved in the Catholic Church. She said my grandmother thought that was funny (she always did think it was comical for some reason).

3. That the date July 24 would be important to me in the future.

4. That there will be a change in perspective and my parents and I will reunite.

5. That I took care of my grandma before her death. She recalled a time I brushed her hair.

6. That I have a gift of caregiving and should pursue something with that.

7. That the age 64 was important to my grandma (I realIed later that was the age of my grandma when I was born)

8. That 1994 was an important year for my grandma (this was the year she came to stay with us)

9. That whoever D is is an important person for me. (Later realized D was my boss and the owner of the preschool I worked at.

10. That the name “Isabella” would be important in my life (I currently don’t know anyone with that name)

11. That I can talk to my dad but if it gets even remotely heated to walk away and let them know that is how I will be handling the relationship from now on.

12. That my grandma appreciated me when she was alive and appreciated me now.

13. That I had another sibling who my parents aborted and that sibling is with my grandma now.

14. That my grandma lost her voice before her death but she has one now.

15. That the ghost I saw when I was 24 was just lost in another dimension and wasn’t trying to cause harm.

16. That I had a friend who committed suicide and that he says to tell me he is ok now. (I think of him often and was shocked she knew about this)

17. That my new word is “no” and to say no to everything (this confuses me)

I8. That I need to start with steps

19. That I am letting my fears stand in the way of doing what I want and I need to go after what I want not what I fear.

20. That my grandma is proud of her heritage (Scottish)

21. And that the state of Pennsylvania will
One day be important to me

22. That chemicals were involved in my life and my parents life and our relationship (I interpreted that as alcohol use)

23. That my grandma said for me to not even have a drop of alcohol.

So this is a lot to process lol. Uh how she knew all this stuff I don’t know. I’m a bit of a skeptic but after reflecting on all she told me, there is no way she could have known all this stuff. She also told me it’s important to treat everyone the way I want to be treated. That at the end of our life, we will have a life review and if you don’t learn the lessons you were meant to learn in this life you will have to do it all over again. That hell is a state of mind and we don’t go there after death. I don’t know how I feel about all this stuff, but it’s been an interesting and thought provoking experience. Just thought I’d share :)
Chessgirl
Crow
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Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Crow »

Hi Chessgirl,

I think you used a very good word to describe relapse - agony. It's certainly that.
Chessgirl wrote: Sun Apr 11, 2021 2:28 pm That’s what is so great about recovery. We help each other through our own experiences.
And that is where a huge source of strength comes from - the support and the understanding of those who are fighting together, and those who have gone before and have the testimonies to encourage those still on that journey to recovery.
For me I need to decide why it is I know my thing is bad for me, and yet why despite the huge feelings of shame and agony in constant failure, I still go back... particularly when I'm feeling low. It's so often a way to distract myself from my problems, and I end up feeling worse.

Moving onto other things. I wouldn't call myself a 'devout' christian... in my view there's Christian or not Christian. But that's my view. I'd call myself a follower of Jesus... well, more a straggler these days... I'd be ashamed if someone looked at me as an example of what Christ like behaviour looked like. But that's largely to do with my own struggles and shame before God.

Regarding the psychic. I have a 'friend'... well, she and I went to the same school, and then it was a year ago we started working together in the same building until January this year (and she was the mental health first aider supporting me), and we still text each other now, and she is someone who believes in a lot of different spiritual things, and she believes in psychics and has her own experiences similar to yourself. (I've had my own experiences where I have had a dream or vision or something, and that very thing played out with a stranger as I saw in my experience at home, but in a beautiful moment of connection with someone I'd never met before).
Anyway, only thing I was going to say as a skeptic also, is that they can be clever. My initial thought was, did you book this in advance? And did she have your name? My immediate thought was social media and timelines and info gathered before hand to work with regarding names and dates etc? Anyway, just a thought. Interesting none the less.
I don't think it's right for me to comment on anything that was mentioned, but I wanted to ask if you don't mind about point 13 if that's okay?
If it's true, how do you feel about that? (This is more for my personal benefit though.) I'm curious because at some point when my children are older and likely adults, I'd like to tell them about their younger sibling that they never got to meet. It tears me up inside and hate that we deprived them of their sibling.
We met a psychic ourself at our neice's funeral eight years ago (she was a friend of our sister in law) who told my wife and I that we would have another baby. That was it. No details. We laughed about it because even though we weren't Christian then, we didn't believe in psychics. But five and a half years on and we did have a baby... just didn't get to meet. Was that psychic? I don't reckon so.

Anyway, you have a lot to think on. Many will have opinions but I guess if you found something comforting in it then it's a good thing.
I've probably forgotten something here, but never mind!

Take care Chessgirl.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Hey crow,

I know that gets me with addiction too. I experience so much depression and pain after a relapse, and swear it won’t happen again. Somehow it eventually ends up happening though sigh. Still, I have to tell myself that I’m going to beat this thing. I am strong and I can do it.

I understand about the Christian thing. I am not a follower of Jesus. I do believe In God and consider myself spiritual I suppose. I understand about not believing in psychics and I have to admit, when you mentioned that she could have found things online it did make me question her. She could have gotten some of it online if she really wanted to, but there are still some things she would have had no way of knowing. It could also be a good guess or a coincidence. Who knows really. You are right that it did give me comfort and hope and peace... I feel determined to go after what I want in life. I got up and cleaned the kitchen because I felt like I couldn’t stand to just sit back today. I felt drive to do something with my life or at least do something productive. It really helped confirm in my mind that I never want to drink or take pills again, as I have purpose and I don’t want to waste any more time than I already have. I also felt more at peace with my childhood, like it all part of my plan. The psychic said that my grandma wanted me to know that this life I’m living is not who I really am. Our life is just something we have to experience for a lesson and then we move on. I know it probably sounds silly but it was somewhat hopeful and positive.

Oh about 13.... I knew my mom had an abortion and it never honestly bothered me that much. I think now i wish I had this sibling so I could have someone who may relate to me and understand me. Appreciate me. I wonder if my mom would have treated that child like she treated me. I do wonder about it. :)
Chessgirl
Crow
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Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Crow »

Hi Chessgirl,
Chessgirl wrote: Sun Apr 11, 2021 8:43 pm You are right that it did give me comfort and hope and peace...
I know it probably sounds silly but it was somewhat hopeful and positive.
And ultimately that is a good thing :) and it isn't silly. If it helped you then that is what matters.

Appreciate your perspective on the lost sibling...
Thanks.

Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Thanks crow! 🙂
Chessgirl
coconuts
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Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by coconuts »

Sounds like an interesting encounter. I agree with crow, if it give you comfort, peace, perspective, etc and helps you heal and move forward thats a good thing.
Addiction is hard hard hard to overcome. Its not just a willy nully decide no more you are done. Its something that has to be worked on. You cant just avoid substances, you have to purposely plan to not have them near, around you. You have to deliberately choose a different direction. And you need to have a thought out plan for how to deal with certain situations. It's hard work but so worth it. I am proud of you and how far you have come.

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Hey coconuts,
It was definitely interesting. I go back and forth between if I believe her or not. I guess I’m gonna just see if some of the things she said would happen actually do happen. I’ve been noticeably more motivated and have more energy than I did. I feel like my grandmother is really with me and that I have so much purpose here. Even if the psychic was a phony, she definitely did something for me!

Yes my recovery is going well so far, no relapses since the one I wrote about. You are right that I need a plan set forth for when these cravings sneak up. I think I need to look into a sponsor by don’t know how to go about it. I’m super shy in AA and I don’t like asking questions. Don’t feel comfortable asking someone to be my sponsor but I know it’s important to have someone. Anyway, trying to take it seriously. I really appreciate your support :)
Chessgirl
dancingfish
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Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2014 9:39 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by dancingfish »

Hey there Chessgirl! Aw that sounds like a really intriguing visit you had, and I'm glad you found a sense of support and motivation from it! I'm not quite sure what I think about psychics either, but I often think that what we feel about a thing is most important. If it's created so many good things for you then that is what to focus on, because that is real and benefitting you, which is the most important thing.

You're treading such a brave and strong path in your recovery, and keeping yourself so honest and true. It's not at all easy, or straightforward, but you're recognising what you need and putting boundaries in places to protect that. It's so important, because *you* are so important. Really well done though, it's not an easy thing to do! If I may add, perhaps for the sponsor, is there someone you could contact in a way you'd feel less shy about? Either at the end when people are milling about (or the current pandemic equivalent!), or by email or something? Just a thought, in case it's helpful. You're trying to seek out better support for yourself though, and that is wonderful. You deserve all of the support you could possibly hope and wish for! You are strong, and you can do it, to echo your wise words to yourself. :)

I hope your days are otherwise going okay, or as well as can be in these continuing odd times. :) Thank you for your support and thinking of me too, I really appreciate your kind and thoughtful words here. Sending you bundles of well wishes and dear care, I hope your day brings you some peaceful and sunny moments. :)
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

Hey dancingfish,

I know most people think psychics are “iffy” for a number of reasons. I totally get that. My fiancé however has seen what a big difference she made in my life and now he jokes he’s gonna send me to a psychic more often. Been taking good care of my body. I have been better about putting plan to action lately. Meditating everyday. It’s helped and I appreciate you seeing that as a positive thing!

That’s a great idea about the sponsor thing. I bet if I ask around I will find a sponsor. I’ll start with asking people I know. Almost everyone knows of someone in AA and maybe they can direct me. Or maybe if I go to enough meetings eventually someone will volunteer or ask if there’s anyone in need of one. Apparently the sponsor thing is crucial because they really check in on you. Thanks for the suggestion and thanks for your kind reply!
Chessgirl
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: On the Chessboard 2021

Post by Chessgirl »

I know most people really don’t believe in psychics, but when I saw one she changed my life in a way. I am a believer now. Anyway, one medium I found does videos that are very helpful. Even if you don’t love psychics, this night be a hopeful and positive thing to watch. It is for people dealing with childhood trauma. Just wanted to share. 💜
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Last edited by Jonesy on Fri Apr 16, 2021 8:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Chessgirl
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