Healing/changing my negative self concept

[Flifflo]

Thanks Kenazandisaz. My negative one did notice and is a little embarrassed but I’m trying to be kind and reassure her that there are reasons the negative thinking came about. It’s still hard to put myself out there but it’s getting a little bit easier. I have to remind myself of these experiences. It helps.

[Kenazandisaz]

It was generous of you to reassure them. It would be completely understandable if you wanted to be hostile right back. Your compassion does you credit.

It takes a lot of rinse and repeat to change things. The more good experiences you collect, the easier it gets. We are cheering for you.

[Flifflo]

Thank you Kenazandisaz. Your support helps.

[there]

Flifflo,
Thank you for this topic. Really good to read about your (and others') efforts to heal and change your negative self concept.
for me, it's long term, patient building up, and includes choosing my battles.
Compassionate retraining.
With you, Flifflo, and please keep going!

[shayz]

Hi all, thank you for this topic, Flifflo. As There mentions, it's really helpful to read about others efforts to retrain themselves. I am working on slowing down automatic reactions, especially physical reactions like the startle response. I try not to judge myself negatively when I jump out of my skin. Just take some calming breaths, look around and assure myself I'm safe, then work on restoring balance. I also feel hopeful reading that you all have been able to retrain yourself and others regarding self judgement. Wow, your hard work really shows.

[Flifflo]

Hello There and Shayz,

Oh my I have always had a really strong startle response. I haven’t noticed it lately though. I have been through some pretty intense EMDR therapy this year and I credit a LOT of my changes to that. I have had the good fortune to have the support to be able to really focus on that for the last 5-6 months. For sure some of those automatic responses like you mention Shayz. And breathing. I’ve been focusing on that pretty heavily too. It’s been really helpful in calming down my fight/flight/freeze stuff. I’d be really interested to know if my startle has changed. It mostly happens when someone appears out of nowhere. Someone is there and I don’t expect it. Sometimes my son likes to scare me that way. As a joke. We both laughed about it (before I learned the reason I had it). I almost want to tell him to try to see if he can. Tho I was just startled by a big dog barking at me this morning. That’s harder to gauge if it was a normal response or exaggerated.

I definitely don’t get as elevated of a heart rate as I used to when I’m about to say something confrontational. That has been amazing. I can say things I never used to be able to say. And my fear of rejection is really diminishing. I’m reaching out to people more. Still learning to stick up for myself but I’m getting better at it.

I just started meditation and I’m trying to get back to a regular exercise routine. I found it very hard to exercise while doing so much EMDR. It was exhausting!

I still have work to do but I have seen lots of change. That feels good. I’m glad to hear we are all making some headway. It’s a process!

Thanks all for joining in.
Warmly,
Flifflo

[shayz]

Hi again Flifflo,

All of your changes are very positive and it sounds like you may be attributing much of these changes to your extensive EMDR work. It's great to hear that your startle response seems calmer. If someone sets a cup on a granite counter or clangs a pan, my heart is off to the races. Would you mind talking a little about your experience with EMDR? My T is certified and it's an option, but I've had two bleh previous experiences, so am hesitant to try it with her. However, I've heard positive feedback, so I'm really curious what your experiences have been. After my second and last EMDR experience I now have a more distressing memory than the one I was trying to process. Has this happened to you?

Hearing that you put a lot of stock in breathing is also validating. It seems like such an easy, automatic reflex, so I was surprised at how much it helps me to regulate.

Thanks again for your words.

[coconuts]

Hello flifflo. I have loved watching you grow these past few months. So much strength and assurance. I am so happy and proud for you.
Shayz
EMDR can be really rough for people.but also helpful too. I've known people on here who couldn't do it. I've known others who have gotten tons of help. I switched to my T to try out EMDR. And it has been a good move for me. He is very conservative in his approach which I think for me is important. Even with that I often end up pretty messed up for a couple days after, trying to sort out the new emotions that got unearthed with processing. We typically do like one EMDR session and then two more regular sessions so I can function. If I did it every week or twice a week I would probably be living in crisis. I just can't handle that much. I have dealt with only one super traumatic memory but im not done with it. Just two layers of junk gone from it. Releasing the terror from the memory was so freeing though and I was amazed at the relief of that but also at what was layered beneath that. For me, it's been a good move. I think it depends on the individual as well as how the t goes about it.

[Flifflo]

Thanks coconuts! I’m so glad to hear the emdr is helping you too.
Shayz I think coconuts said it well. Everyone’s healing path is different and I think there is more than one way to go about it.

EMDR has worked very well for me. I do believe it works well for many people. There’s lots of information about it out there and studies that show it’s high success rate healing trauma. Have you heard about the book Getting Past Your Past by Francine Shapiro? She writes about how to use some emdr techniques on your own. Also, one of my favorites is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk but maybe you know about that one.

I was also lucky to stumble into a therapist that worked with trauma and emdr and is a good fit for me. But I was prepared to try someone else If she didn’t work out. She was my second therapist. The previous one was NOT a good fit. So I think it’s probably a lot about finding the right therapist. The idea of having to look for the right therapist and maybe not finding them the first time can be daunting. It was for me. Who wants to bare their soul and then feel like they have to start all over again?!? I read something from the author Peter Levine that was about how to find the right therapist. It was a really great checklist. It was in his book Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving.

Emdr hasn’t been easy. It brings up all the old feelings that I never let myself or couldn’t feel when I was young. There was a lot of anger and shame and sadness and a LOT of fear. It has been absolutely exhausting processing it all but as a good friend told me we are healing/changing our whole central nervous system. That’s a big deal! And you really have to give yourself ample time to rest and recoup.

After putting all of those feelings and parts of myself away for so many years they were naturally very hard to access. The emdr just kind of made it all bubble up. They just started coming to me. For me it has been more about the feelings and connections and revelations than the actual bad memories but the memories come up too. My therapist said it’s like all these old drawers opening. I’m still not sure I remember all my csa but I’m told I don’t have to in order to heal. It used to drive me a bit bonkers feeling like I didn’t know everything that happened to me but I’m getting over that. I was so young when it happened. Now I feel like what I’ve heard others say they eventually feel. I don’t care to know anymore. As long as I can move on and heal. I read a really great interview recently with Bessel Van Der Kolk where he talked about needing to change how we think of memory. That our bodies can carry memories that our brains don’t. That memory is more complex than we have given it credit for. The interview was with stillharbor.org. Fascinating stuff. Turns out we are all really amazing to have survived what we survived. That our minds and bodies did what they could to get us through it.

I like to say I’ve had to move through all those scary feelings. Like they were huge waves coming at me. If I wait they will come crashing down on me. I can’t go around them. The best (and sometimes scariest) thing to do is dive right through them in order to get to the other side and feel safe. I’ve had to feel the feelings. Embrace them even. Then they just dissipate. It’s really a trip and SUCH a relief. The emdr really helped me do that.

I wish you all the luck finding the best healing path for you shayz. I believe you’ll find it. I’m here to support you and the rest on this site. We deserve all the good things.

Warmly,
Flifflo

[shayz]

Thank you coconuts and Flifflo for your thoughtful and supportive replies. Before commenting further, I wanted to say sorry for sidetracking the original intent of this thread. Hope this isn't too off topic.

It's good to know I'm on a well worn path with EMDR. Thank you, Flifflo for your book and interview recommendations. I've only heard of one, so I have lots of material to ingest. You both talk about finding the right fit with a T that practices EMDR. I like the T I'm working with and hope that by continuing to build trust and unpack the csa, we will naturally progress to EMDR. Starting over with a new T is really time consuming. I'm curious about what Flifflo says about changing the whole nervous system and know that with those kinds of changes will come emotions and require rest and self care. I will reach for those resources and learn more before I go any further. The thought of more emotions "bubbling up" at the moment is a bit scary.

I don't want to be in the middle of this. I want to just live my life. Seems like all my energy goes into dealing with crap from the past that wasn't my fault. So frustrating to work so hard just to continue to survive. Vent. Flifflo, your wave description is really very helpful. My T talks about riding the wave of overwhelming emotions until it dissipates, but diving through them is such a great image and really resonates.

I'm very lucky to have found such a caring group of people. Thank you all for your comments. I probably say this in every post, but it's so very helpful to hear from folks on the same path. Best wishes for a peaceful day to all.