Making way, but trying to say thanks

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johnram
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Posts: 274
Joined: Fri Mar 22, 2019 10:37 am

Making way, but trying to say thanks

Post by johnram » Sat Mar 23, 2019 8:22 am

Its sometimes very hard to feel like i have made a positive transition, as i am still in the midst of change and fighting some items. However i have learnt that having that perspective and checking in helps.

At once i was very lost, zombie like even, everything on autopilot, quite disengaged from emotions, very angry under the surface and passive aggresive, blameful and manipulative - it was how i was raised to be.....the product of my cPTSD. At the worst, i would come home after work, and just zone out till bed or engage in one of my addictions, eat junk food or other bad food, stopped seeing people, couldnt move from the bed etc.....but i didnt know this was depression.....and i kept it quiet, i didnt tell anyone, i pretended for years, and yearned to be normal but didnt understand why

talk therapy helped but wasnt great, learning to exercise helped a lot but its something i need to be reminded of, and eating clean helped....but also crying....crying a lot and getting this stuff out of me......however, although i thought i was done, some of the trauma is still with me, and i have now taken a step away from work, to do EMDR twice a week and work on my health. Given my work was very stressful and i only got into that field to pay for addictions, its a good step away.

Now i need to watch what i do next, but given experiences, i feel a yearning to help others but await to move a bit more forward in my EMDR to see how i feel about next steps.

Its hard this, but as i write this, i feel somewhat empowered, and its taken a long time to get here, and i also find it hard to appreciate that also, as in societal terms my career stalled or went sideways, or i didnt achieve the usual markers of people, but the battle to get to where i am now, has been tough and that i feel better now than then, is amazing

anyway, bit of a ramble, but i think its important to appreciate the journey and i am trying too

there
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Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: Making way, but trying to say thanks

Post by there » Sat Mar 23, 2019 9:21 pm

Thanks, johnram, for sharing your experiences.
Especially, I appreciate your saying that even though you ‘didn’t achieve the usual markers of people, the battle to get to where I am now has been tough, and that I feel better now than then, is amazing.’
That rings true for me, and I would be wise to remember to take this view in my life.
I'm my reality, not somebody else's low opinion.

johnram
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Posts: 274
Joined: Fri Mar 22, 2019 10:37 am

Re: Making way, but trying to say thanks

Post by johnram » Sun Mar 24, 2019 9:42 am

Thank you

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