Moving forward

[Broken]

Well I did it. For the first time ever, after 30 years, I told someone exactly what happened to me. Not just I was abused, but the details, no holds barred. The whole truth, everything I can remember. It sucked. I have this insane belief still that I am somehow still responsible in some part. That makes it extremely difficult for me to tell the whole story. Because I kept going back, because my brother did not physically force me to do anything MOST of the time, because I never told. For that I still blame me. I can only imagine what people would think of me if they new my story, how many would say it's my own dam fault, how many would look at me with disgust for what I did, what I allowed.

I find myself to lucky to have found a t with whom I can share and who passes zero judgement on me at all. I can feel safe to let out my deepest darkest secrets. Today I feel so liberated and empowered. I know I have a ways to go on my journey, but I have turned the corner from helpless victim to warrior.

I learned that my abuser, my own brother, groomed me for some time into the reluctantly willing and eventually willing participant that I became. I have been fooled all these years into believing that some broken, disgusting part of me wanted the abuse. After all, he was not violent, in fact the one time he did hurt me he appologized profusely. Certainly an "attaker" would never appologize. I learned that there's quite a bit more injury than I could have ever imagined. Not only was I hurt physically and emotionally, but psychologically, spiritually, politically...and not by just my abuser, but by my whole family. There were most certainly signs that should have been noticed, questions that should have been asked but weren't. I not only have to accept their failure, but my strength.

I also learned that I am resilient. While I do have some not so healthy coping behaviors (drinking, burying feelings, denial), I recognize them for what they are. I have a purpose and a goal to correct those behaviors, not only for my own health(physical and mental), but so I can be an example for my son. I want him to have a healthy vision of how to handle life. I am a warrior, I will not just rollover and give up. You will not take me easily. You will have to fight me for it.

I realize that I will not always feel so bold or empowered or strong or happy or free....I know I will have moments (many I am sure) when I will need to be reminded of the words in this post. Kind of why I'm putting it out there, so I can come back and see for myself how I felt. Life is a balance, I am ultimately responsible for the balance in my own life. I must choose to work through the bad, tear it down, feel it, accept it and move forward. I can choose the positive. I can choose to set an emotion (a memory or an event) aside and come back to it later to work on it some more.

My T suggested a book to me, Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by Dr. David R Hawkins. Amazing. I suggest an audio version as it is a bit dry. Honestly it has taken me a year to finally come to understand the process. It is all finally coming together though...I "get it"!

[iwillthrive]

I love this post and may come back again and again to read your words of such strength. iwt

[Broken]

Thank you. I too will return to it for a breath of fresh air. And some encouragement and strength. I can do this! So can you!

[coconuts]

Wow, so amazing. What freedom it must be to unburden yourself of the secrets you have kept. I know deep down when I am able to do this it will be such a relief.
So proud of you and happy for you.
It is interesting to think about how people groom us, gaslight us, and convince us it's our fault or we deserved it. It's hard to wrap our heads around people who were nice but hurt us. It's another manipulation tactic though. Perpetrated on a child who is not an adult able to see through the facade. How could we know better? We are expecting an adult understanding in child. It's hard to realize that. And by the time we realized it was bad. We were in too far. And we felt like we had caused it.
You've taken huge leaps in letting it out. Good for you