growing

[Diver]

i took a chance, applied for a job despite feeling so small and weak. i made a resume in 2 days, applied online, got an interview and got hired within one week of applying.
i feel like its bragging to even talk about it. i feel dumb. but im also proud of myself.
i deserve to post something here, this counts.
i got a job. i
i also got a car last week too. my dad helped me buy it, ive never had a nice car. never bought a car.
it shows me that im capable of doing grown up things and dont have to feel like a child so much.
im grateful too, so unbelievably grateful. so grateful i scare myself into thinking i could lose it at any moment. H does care, we have our issues to work out but he does care a lot. he is a good man and good dad.
my son is big, strong, healthy and the sweetest little person i know.
i have an excellent therapist who has been there for me for 6 years.
we have enough money to live, eat, we have a small apartment but its in a safe area.
we're really amazingly lucky to have it this peaceful.
i have a ton of medical debt to pay off, but it doesnt have to ruin me. i have options.
i want to be better. i want to change. that's where the problem is. unfortunately. most of our problems are because of my mental health. but ive finally caved and started the meds my psychiatrist wanted me to try and started taking more of my other meds too. its sad because i feel so messed up. and then lost. just lost in my head trying to sort out this mess, treating it like a mystery that needs to be solved, acting badly because of my obsession with figuring it all out.
im weak and cant always keep from asking more questions and ruminating and obsessing. going over the fragments and memories all day long. but never figuring anything out.
anyway. im here. im trying.

[River]

Diver, congratulations on the new job and car and all the other positive changes in your life! You have very much to be proud of....and alot of thing that you are grateful for and many accomplishments!

It was very encouraging to read your post. Gives me hope that life can get better and change can happen if you work at it. You have proven to yourself and others that you are very capable of doing adult things. Even if it is challenging. I love to read all the things your grateful for.....made me stop and think about the things I could be grateful for.

Meds take a bit to find the ones that will work for you. I understand trying to put the pieces together to your past.

All the best in these new, exciting changes Diver. And I will celebrate with you the many victories and accomplishments you have made. Yoshi said he will do the "happy dance with you."

River

[godiva]

oh yaaaay that was a real nice post, thank you for sharing the good things too!
it seems to me you are doing well, i feel so happy and relieved when we truly experience the good sides of our stories too, you deserve it all!

godiva

[Jonesy]

That's great Diver. Proud of you.
Sorry I missed you in chat last night - hope to catch you another time.

[Diver]

Hi again, from the hopeful version.
I feel like many shades, versions of myself. Like I wear masks all the time. I am a mask, a mirror mask. I reflect just enough for a time so that people don't notice that I'm just a mirror. But that time is often short. And if honey interact enough they'll see it's just a fun house mirror, phony and empty.
I may sound down but I'm not. Realizing that stuff makes me feel sad but it's awareness. I can choose what I do with it. Right now I feel sad about it. Afraid to go out and interact with the world. But maybe it won't be like that tomorrow.
For months I've been obsessively reading about my disorder and others online. I'm fixated on understanding thisis, explaining this. Figuring it out. Be it's not going to work like that. I know, I've known for months, that my questions cannot be answered online. I might learn more about the disorders, but not myself. That's sad. I should have been asking my T all this time.
But I felt so unaware of myself before and I still am. Painfully unaware of my issues, so much that I sometimes can't believe myself. I got myself way too hung up on the diagnosis labels and the stigma surrounding them. I got myself so upset. All I've done is terrorize myself and slow down the process.
I'm scared. I don't think I've started to process anything. I don't even know what 'process' is.
So here I am. I'm going to make a pledge not to read anymore about this stuff. Not to worry so much about my diagnosis or what might be wrong with me that I'm still unaware of. All in good time. I need to focus on the right here, right now and start sorting through that mess. Not making more messes to work on. No wonder I feel overwhelmed. I can type this stuff here but I can't talk to t about it for some reason. I'm afraid of soemthing. Though I'm not sure. I hope I can bring this stuff up in t.
This is positive. I'm going to avoid reading anymore psychology stuff and try not to read triggering stuff either. That's a good change. I'm going to focus on me and how I feel and what's bugging me right now. I'm going to ask t questions instead of looking online. I'm going to try to believe myself a little more.

[wings]

Diver,

This is so great to read. Congratulations on the job, and enjoy your new car! I am also one of those people who researches a lot online and wants to know everything all at once, which at times can be quite overwhelming. Good on you for focusing on you and believing yourself.

[Killenger1019]

Hello Diver, very good post! Congrats on the car and I am glad to hear that you have a good husband. I think that's great you have found positives and truthful ways of looking at yourself. Very glad you posted this!

[Diver]

So at my new job, this past weekend was quite busy with a big sale and holiday. Out of the whole store, I finished 4th in sales for Sunday. I havent looked to see what my numbers were for the rest of the weekend, but Sunday was a shock! I came in ahead of people that have been there for years.
And this morning, I got an email from a craft site I frequently post my projects to, they invited me to become a featured member. A couple months ago another craft site I post to featured several of my projects on their blog and facebook.
I was surprised. I am my harshest critic usually. I usually think I'm not capable. This year is full of fast changes so far. its overwhelming.
things are stabilizing outside, but still inside i'm a mess. very scared about therapy and confused about a lot of things. still having trouble talking. T brought up IFS, internal family systems. it acknowledges the different parts which helps explain why I feel so fragmented. Its also scary to have it out there after worrying i was just a faker and full of it for so long.
having trouble controlling my eating and smoking too much. gaining weight back. wanting to run and hide alot.

[godiva]

dear diver,

you bring some great news, being 4th in sales and featured in your project, this is so cool! congratulations, people really see the value in you, i hope it helps yourself to see this value too. you are so important and you matter and what you do matters.

sending a big hug if ok

[Harmony]

Sorry I am late the celebration!

Every positive milestone counts. Way to go.

enjoy your well deserved success,
Harmony