Being different, and learning to love myself.

[Jenna]

Dear fightinback,

Thanks for starting this awesome thread. It is way overdue for us to really appreciate our good points and how far we have come in life's journey...

I was in the same situation as you had described, about having someone point out to me the 'not-normal' situation re my FOO, and then it clicked. For me, I was very disoriented when the 'click' happened, as I started having flashbacks from the perspective of the young child and the adult observer looking on in horror at the same time. I was so depressed and panicky. Thankfully the flashbacks stopped with medication.

I appreciate my little one inside me that is empathic and nurturing. This is something that my friends and colleagues and boss have said to me, that I am very empathic and people find it easy to confide in me. Although this only happened to me (in my opinion) after I went through (and am still undergoing) a terrible period of suffering in remembering the PA, marital problems, etc. I think this is a gift that suffering brings. I am better able to feel what others feel when they suffer as I know what it feels like. So recently I had to counsel someone who was being beaten by his father and through the incident, we were able to bring about some reconciliation. I felt good after the episode. At the same time, it was very triggering for me although I managed to conceal my emotions.

At the same time, I think my little one is empathic because she is hypervigilant, always scanning people for emotions, vibes, etc. So others think I can read their minds but actually I am just being hypervigilant because that was the way I was brought up. But it has now turned into something good for me and that is great.

I think suffering can bestow upon us gifts, but it is up to us to decide how to use them. I would say that we are using our gifts to comfort, support, uplift and console each other on this forum and that is a good thing!

Sorry for the rambling

Jenna

[FrumSurvivor]

Okay, I'll try to remember what I wrote to you...
Something like: I don't really have much a system right now, I just try; some days I am successful at taking proper care of myself, and other days....
I think checklists are fantastic. I used to use them for years, but by now I'm tired of them, so I've stopped. If it works for you, that's great! Keep it up!

[Silent]

You are just simply a super star Fightingback!

[fightinback]

Silent, please!

My head's big enough right now

Good to see you back buddy.

[fightinback]

Jenna

I'm glad to hear your flashbacks have stopped, but I've never been afraid of the flashbacks. Yes, they always have been terrifying and disorientating, but for me they always have been jigsaw pieces; recognising parts of my past that had been long forgotten for whatever reason. I needed to know what happened to validate the massive tangled ball of emotions I was feeling.

My flashbacks are stopping now, but I feel ok with that too. I have my answers. I don't need to try to take my mothers brain apart to work out why anymore. I accept now that she had her own mental illness, and for whatever reason, she either didn't seek help, or just didn't care enough. I don't know her background. I never will. If there is a long line of mental illness in our family, then it stops here. That was her. I am not her. I care enough about me, and my son (and the wonderful people I am getting to know), to want to make a difference.

I hear you when you say your empathy and nurturing is a gift from your suffering. I have been pondering this thought myself. I've seen how the effects of abuse can send you 'one way' or the 'other'. Either you end up like 'them' and continue the abuse, or you become sensitive, empathic, caring, nurturing, strong, courageous, wonderful survivors as we all are on here. While out with my dog this morning, I dared to think that perhaps my abuse was even a 'good' thing, because it's made me who I am. Who knows what I could have turned out like! I like and respect me. I'm a good person. I like and respect everyone here. We are all good people. I've met some wonderful survivors in 3d now who have all been abused in one way or another. I think because we know what it is to be badly hurt, we tend to be more genuine than a lot of non survivors (by non survivors I mean those who haven't been abused. I don't mean anyone here who doesn't consider themselves a survivor 'yet'. I consider everyone here to be a survivor. I also recognise there are a lot of 'non survivors' out there who are also very genuine).

Well done for reaching out to the person who was being abused. Ok you were triggered yourself, but you recognise that you had feelings. You recognised areas where you still need to heal, and these are areas you can work on. It shows a great deal of healing in yourself. You sound very proud of yourself, and so you should be.

I think it's ok to be hypervigilant. It keeps us safe. It's intuition. We're more likely to recognise potential dangerous situations. I think because we tend to be more genuine, we can still be very vulnerable, so hypervigilance can only be a good thing. Like you, I have had experiences where others think I am reading their minds. I 'secretly' love it. I've also experienced it the other way around, where a fellow abuse survivor was 'in my head'. Very very weird feeling !

Yes I also believe that how we choose to use our gifts are important. This forum is wonderful, and is full of wonderful survivors, learning about, and using their gifts to support and comfort others. It fills me with hope that there are many other survivors out in the 3d world, on their own forums, doing the same great work that we are doing here. Perhaps that is what people mean by this great change that is coming to our world. A world full of empathic, strong, caring people sounds wonderful to me.

[fightinback]

((((((Frumsurvivor))))))

It saved. Yay!

I have to say my checklist has gone out the window too now. It's more of a mental list right now I suppose, but while caring for myself is going ok, things like paperwork, keeping the house in order and things like that are starting to go by the wayside...like you, some days good, other days....... And like you, I have used checklists for years, and though they do work, they can get more than a little dull sometimes.

I wonder if my checklist just needs a little tweaking to keep up the motivation? I've always found sticker charts work very well with my son. Perhaps I should do the same for me, with a reward each week to keep things moving until everything becomes habit.

I recognise it is incredibly hard to keep up the motivation, when depression hits. Don't give up.

I wonder if anyone else has any suggestions to keep on top of things?

[Jenna]

Dear fightinback,
Thanks for responding to my post and sharing yr own experiences. It really helps to know that someone else has experienced similar feelings, and yes, I, too, like the weird feeling when someone else is in my head, so to speak.

I am so sorry if I had accidentally come across as proud in my earlier post, I hope I didn't sound pushy or anything. To me, finding something to be proud of is a novelty, having grown up being told by FOO that I will and can never be good enuff. If I did come across as a little arrogant, I am so sorry...

Things that I have found uplifting over the past few days:
- being near positive people
- reading inspirational books
- having enough rest
- doing meaningful work and helping others

If I have the time, taking a walk at sunset or sunrise would be uplifting too. I saw the pink clouds at sunset today and that was beautiful.

Jenna

[fightinback]

Jenna

Not arrogant or pushy in the least.

Proud is something to be...well, proud of. It's a good thing. You are healing. Despite being triggered, you still reached out to someone in pain; and because of your triggers, you recognise areas where you still need to heal. This is great work. Something to feel really good about.

I too have grown up with FOO who made me feel like I would never be good enough. I worked so hard at school. Got top grades. Tried to be a 'perfect' daughter. But nothing was ever good enough.

I know that feeling very very well when the EA has been drummed into you so much that you strongly believe that you will never be any good. It's worse when you hear it from FOO because these are people you are supposed to trust. These are people who are supposed to have your best interests at heart. These are people who are supposed to love you for who you are. It sets so deep, and so rock hard, that you believe nothing else. You believe this is who you are, because the people who are supposed to be, the most special people in the world to you, told you this. But it's not.

You have every right to be proud of who you are. You are kind, caring, supportive, empathic, courageous, strong. You have so many wonderful qualities. These are things your FOO should have been telling you, because this is the truth.

You are a good person. Be proud

[fightinback]

I had an interesting experience today which I would like to share.

I live in the deepest darkest depths of the west country in the UK, and I am surrounded by beautiful winding country lanes which are the width of one car (an English car, not an American one ), with high hedges and walls on both sides.

Yesterday while walking my dog along one of these lanes, a car came around the corner and surprised me. I had plenty of time to get us both to the side of the hedge so that the car could pass, but when it had gone, I realised I’d dissociated. Not sure why I was triggered, but it left me feeling very unsafe and a desperate need to get home.

Today, when we got to the same spot, there were no cars coming, but I started to have a panic attack, and dissociating again. I managed to stop them both pretty quickly, but concerned that I was potentially developing a fear of where I live. I asked, out loud, (only the cows could hear me ), “Why do I feel unsafe here?”, and immediately got this overwhelming feeling that the high hedges were closing in on me. This made me feel worse and I started dissociating again.

Further down the lane, I heard a sound which I thought was a car coming……panic! I realised quite soon that it was just an active bubbling stream! but I was really concerned at my reaction.

I tried to remember my emdr therapy. I felt the fear, and let it develop, it got bigger. The fear turned into a pain in my stomach….. which eventually led onto a memory.

Eleven years ago, when I was 5 months pregnant, I was involved in a head on car crash, in a little country lane much like this one, but at the brow of a hill, so the other car had ‘appeared’ from nowhere. I wasn’t hurt at the time, but I was very traumatised because I feared at the time I was losing my baby.

I had forgotten all about it

Now I know where the fear has come from. That was then. This is now. I know I am safe. Despite being the width of a car, there is still plenty of room for my dog and I to wait patiently by the hedge, while the car passes us. I hope tomorrow’s walk will be more pleasant!

Having so many blanks of my life, I am certain there will be more instances like this, but I feel confident now that I will be able to put my therapy into practise and work through it. I am also becoming so much more mindful of my feelings and reactions. I have recognised that I dissociate A LOT, and this is an area that I need to work on.

I’ve been doing a lot of hard work with my care worker and I think it’s now showing. It’s still early days but I think she’s going to be speechless when I see her later this week

[glowworm]

Hey Fightinback,

I've seen how the effects of abuse can send you 'one way' or the 'other'. Either you end up like 'them' and continue the abuse, or you become sensitive, empathic, caring, nurturing, strong, courageous, wonderful survivors as we all are on here. While out with my dog this morning, I dared to think that perhaps my abuse was even a 'good' thing, because it's made me who I am.

*nods emphatically* absolutely. It's made you an amazing person and you deserve to be damn proud of that.

Thanks for your inspiring words, needed them today. So happy for you and glad for you for the past ten days you've had

Sounds like you took care of yourself really well with the flashbacks by the roadside ((((Fightinback)))) i know the roads you mean, i'm in the UK too and they are reaaaaallly narrow, it scares me driving down them. Big hugs, glad you figured where it's coming from and got a chance to process it. Sending lots of support and kindness and gentleness your way.