Forgiveness - if it’s really just for me then what does it even have to do with them?

[quixote]

Flifflo,
I like the question and I like the responses.
I've struggled with the word, forgiveness, too, and generally, I think I am more forgiving than I used to be. I still can't forgive the abuser, but when I'm alone, I feel more at peace, and don't let the anger consume me as much as it used to.
quixote

[Flifflo]

Hey all,

Thanks for chiming in. Dancingfish, totally agree that the anger will consume if I don’t let it go. That’s what I’m working through. Thanks for saying its ok to be anywhere from not to in-between. I think I’m landing solidly on not but that may change as I process more anger.
Lifegoeson , I don’t think your mind is warped. I feel the same as you about forgiveness.
Noname, I agree with you, and others here that forgiveness is personal. It bugs me too when people say you have to in order to heal. Thanks for saying that. That’s what started me on this whole thread. I just don’t see it happening. And someone telling me I should feels to me like they are poking me in my wounds again. Like I’ll never be all the way there (whatever that is) unless I do. Even though I know that isn’t how it’s meant.
Coconuts, I agree with the letting go sentiment. That is where I am at.
Hello quixote, I’m glad the anger doesn’t consume you as much now. That’s encouraging.

I think for me it’s all about the letting go. I have to move through the anger to get there first. My hope is to come to a point where I don’t care anymore about those people who hurt me. Like, don’t have the negative feelings when I think of them or just don’t think of them at all. That is the future I hope for myself. True freedom from them. They won’t affect me or my life anymore. That’s what I want.

Thanks for your thoughtful input.
Warmly,
Flifflo

[SkiQueen]

I also agree with a lot of what already has been said.
I knew I had the right therapist when he said I absolutely did not HAVE to forgive my Dad. Instantly, I felt relief like I hadn’t felt in a long time. He also said that the definition of forgiveness is so personal and it doesn’t even mean the same thing to each individual. There is so much social/religious pressure on people to forgive that victims can get in a state of ‘forced forgiveness’. This doesn’t do anyone any good.

Add to that, some people believe everything is forgivable, while some people think there are some things that are definitely unforgivable.

I personally feel there are some things that are unforgivable. I will never forgive my Dad for what he did to me. This does not mean I am doomed to a life of anger. My anger is something I can let go of, I can still achieve inner peace. My sister on the other hand, says she forgives my Dad for doing the same things to her. When we discussed this once we both stepped back and realized maybe we just had different definitions of forgiveness, but the end goal is that inner peace.

[Sherlocked]

Interesting responses,
I think its best to keep in mind that recovery is not a "one size fits all" thing. I think it's very easy for people to forget that. Recovery is an individual thing. I personally am not a fan of the word "forgiveness".

However, it definitely is not good to keep darkness bottled up, I know firsthand. You have to have a healthy output to vent out what's inside.

[coconuts]

I had someone mention forgiveness to me today. I was thinking in my mind that some things are just not forgivable. What happened to me was not an accident it was pure evil heaped upon evil. No those people can rot in the greatest depths of hell and misery for what they did to me and other children. I hope their suffering has no end.

That said i dont feel any benefit in chasing after vengeance and their punishment. I want to focus on my healing though and on finding peace within myself and I don't thing excusing them of their actions is the way to do it. I do think focusing on the compassion little me needed then is a good place to start. Focusing on myself. Not them

[Flifflo]

Hello Skiqueen, I feel the same relief when I’m told I don’t have to forgive to heal. Hallelujah!!! Because I don’t like that idea that I have to. At. All.
Sherlocked, I see that it is indeed personal for everyone and I am relieved to find out that I am not the only person who doesn’t like the word.
Coconuts, I agree with you 100%.
Thanks for all of your input.
Warmly,
Flifflo

[Harmony]

I heard something the other day that made sense. The real forgiveness is yourself. That is the only required forgiveness in csa. All the rest is optional.

hope that makes sense,
Harmony

[coconuts]

I agree with that harmony. I think a lot of us are angry with ourselves. Not that we deserve it or anything just we are. We blame ourselves or expected something different of ourselves. I think learning to forgive ourselves and let go of that blame is super important

[EasyStreet]

Yes, and be darned difficult for many to accomplish. But for a worthy goal, what is better?

[Flifflo]

Yes, definitely our relationship with ourselves is the most important thing. For sure. Learning to take care of ourselves, forgive ourselves, stand up for ourselves. All of it. Always working on that. Getting better at it.