not ready to open email yet **triggers EA**

[coast]

Barsine... great big smile, this is positive news indeed

[Barsine]

Thanks for the big smiles!

I don't like to make sudden moves around my mother, I feel more comfortable taking this very slow. She could make my remaining time here finishing my degree more difficult if I aroused her negative energies. Sometimes I feel my cautious behavior is theatrical and for my own benefit, like her histrionics, but if it is like a OCD ritual of locking doors or what have you, it does something for me. Plus he's inviting me to a reception for friends and family to celebrate his recent wedding, and I am not comfortable around large groups. At Thanksgiving I assume I will mostly see people I already know, and it will be less stressful.

Even seeing my father again will be stressful, I have been very standoffish with him lately and not returning his calls. It's not something he's done recently, just the fact that I recently processed the significance of how he behaved a long time ago. So I want to approach this new plan carefully and take my time getting used to the idea, even though it was my idea.

[Pith]

Hi Barsine,

I too am glad that the email you got from your father was a positive and constructive one!
I also want to add that what often strikes me in your messages is that you seem to be aware of what is working for you and what not. And while it may not always be what we would decide, it is what feels safest for you in your specific situation and I think we all have much respect for that. I know I have, for the courage to put up with your abusive mother until you can leave there in a more or less good way, for the way in which you organize and plan your escape from there and for analyzing what it is about it that makes you take the decisions you make. Much admiration for that.

I suppose it's the part of me that wants so much to see you get free of your mother that makes me want you to get the ball rolling on the move. You are far more patient than I am. I think I would be running out the door asap to get things on the right track.

That's sometimes difficult for me too. I get so angry sometimes when I read your messages and those of others here that are still unable to escape their abusive environment (not with you or them, but with the situation and the abusers) and I want no more than to get all of you out of there and in a safe place, where healing and true life can begin.

Anyway, I really hope your plans work out. I'm rooting for you from the sidelines.

pith

[Barsine]

I also want to add that what often strikes me in your messages is that you seem to be aware of what is working for you and what not. And while it may not always be what we would decide, it is what feels safest for you in your specific situation and I think we all have much respect for that. I know I have, for the courage to put up with your abusive mother until you can leave there in a more or less good way, for the way in which you organize and plan your escape from there and for analyzing what it is about it that makes you take the decisions you make. Much admiration for that.

Thanks Pith, that means a lot. I've had some cognitive behavioral therapy and while at times I wished my counselor would just stop troubleshooting and sympathize, I appreciate the discipline I learned, to be more reflective and analytical in my personal life and to always try to be realistic. She told me she was impressed with my willingness to work on my own thinking patterns and behaviors, and gave me a lot of credit for willingness to try new things and to think things through. So I know I have some valuable strengths that will help me set up a good future and work on my recovery.

Sometimes I can tell I'm not being totally realistic but I allow myself that wiggle room because sometimes being in your comfort zone is more important than seeing things the way they are. It's my way of being gentle with myself. I know sometimes my way of coping or pacing myself or adapting to my environment sounds miserable, but I appreciate that I can come here and talk about it all without being judged.

Part of my patience comes from remembering how disappointing escape can be, because even non-abusive situations can be harsh and punishing when you're vulnerable to poverty and isolation. And because escape is not as good as vindication, and it sometimes makes the lack of vindication feel more painful. So my unwillingness to hurry into a new living situation is partly to avoid the raised expectations that come with excitement and impatience for change.

[lonelylife]

Hi barsine,
I also appreciate your patience, but hope that part of the reason you are staying around is not for vindication in the sense of trying to get proof that your mother is imbalanced before you leave. Because abusers are highly elusive and so proof will likely never just present itself. Besides the only proof that really matters is that you know.

But otherwise I understand the need to lay low, it's like trying to ease your way out of an alligator pit without getting chewed to shreds or something. Plus though, I don't know if you've ever lived away from home? But if you haven't she likely has made it seem a bigger deal and alot more difficult than it really it, when in reality it'll be far easier than living with her has been. In fact, because of how she is, living on your own or at least away from her will be a cakewalk. Abusers also tend to hold themselves forth as some standard of financial stability, implying that you will never quite live as "well" away from them as with them. That you just won't be able to do anywhere near what they do, as though what they're doing is so unique, when in fact many people go on to provide for themselves financially, even if it's basic needs that are at least getting met. Abusers not only make the grass look green with themselves, they make it look like they're the only ones who will ever even know how to have grass, which simply isn't true. So to the extent that your mother may have infused that kind of either/or thinking into your mindset, I want to say it would be totally a fallacy designed to keep you stagnant and with her. In truth, she's the one who can't live on her own, because she requires the constant company of someone to abuse. Freedom and peace count alot towards quality of life and you will find that your other goals will come about much more easily without the constant stress of having to tiptoe around the likes of her and her abusiveness. Like trying to swim with an anchor on your neck, you may get accustomed to the anchor but it can weigh down your efforts in a thousand imperceptible ways.

[Barsine]

You're right about her strategy, I know that's what she's doing but she can still cause me anxiety about my options. But no, I'm not waiting in hopes of finding a way to achieve vindication. I understand that she will probably never feel accountable for what she has done and still does.

[lonelylife]

You're right about her strategy, I know that's what she's doing but she can still cause me anxiety about my options

Oh yes it causes immeasurable anxiety. That's part of the anchor about the neck. My mother had me so stressed out I could hardly breathe--even though rationally I knew better. Her complete paranoid rantings and proclamations of doom for me stressed the heck out of me. But when I got away from her, the albatross lifted, things began to become as doable as they actually were. When someone keeps us at a high level of distress, our decision-making "engine" gets stalled out and we start second-guessing and then triple-guessing our own sound judgement. We start to overanalyze even our simplest of choices all because of the high levels and constant levels of distress these people subject us to. We can start to filter everything through their way skewed and totally screwed up prisms. We begin to think the bad thing is in the process of getting away, when in reality the bad thing is in continuing to be subjected to these people and their constant crazy spewings.

[Barsine]

**triggers EA SA VA**

My mother's most revealing proclamation was when she threatened to have me thrown in jail, and predicted that if she succeeded the other women there would set upon me and rape me with hairbrushes. She said that when I was too young to go to jail, but not young enough to believe other people were like that, even violent criminals. It says so much about her. I've been pretty good at dismissing her predictions since then.

**end triggers**

I emailed my dad about my autism a couple of days ago and am still waiting on his response. I thought I was careful enough not to make him feel like I'm accusing him of anything, but I worry this may be too much information after all. When he feels blamed he withdraws his support. I've fallen back into a holding pattern, and feel very stuck for the moment. His past escapism, denial and self-righteous defensiveness are giving me anxiety.