My introduction

[SpecialChild]

Hi everyone,

I made my account almost two months ago. I've been terrified to even activate it. I did two nights ago and have been stuck trying to figure out how to even begin typing this down. I'm afraid of revealing any of this to anyone but I can't stand feeling so alone. I've been crying non stop for the last 4 days from nightmares about everything. Even waking up to tears on my pillow and cheeks, gasping. I feel like I'm going insane. To whoever's about to read this, I'm sorry it's so scrambled. I also know if I don't give any background or context, I can't help anyone understand my situation better.


As far back as my memories go, I guess age 4, I was being molested. It becomes crystal clear by age 6 I was being molested and everyone around me was fine with it. More than fine, it was encouraged. My entire life on a daily/nightly basis was structured in an environment of incest, molestation, physical abuse, verbal abuse, manipulation, control over everything I saw/thought/did was all completely normalized. I can see now I was literally born into it. The abuse continued for 16 years in a calculated, repetitive, organized way. It wasn't until recently - even while going to countless doctors, specialists, therapists, counsellors both while the CSA was happening and after it ended - that I really started to understand it was abuse in the first place. Like waking up a little.

I once told someone close to me that it must be like deeply engrained behavior for me not to understand it was wrong for that many years. He replied "no, 'engrained' would be like paint on wood. In your life, it was the seed planted and you're the tree grown to make that wood - it's a part of you entirely." I feel like that describes it perfectly because in all ways psychologically, emotionally, mentally I was utterly surrounded by these people, their ideals and raised it was okay. I was completely isolated and sheltered from the outside world (no TV, internet, not allowed to read or watch most movies or books most people know well, not allowed friends outside those connected, etc). To try to undo it all...it isn't surprising doctors and therapists haven't known how to handle my situation. I'm told it was like a cult. On some level I understand that but can't connect it to me as being true, if that makes sense.

I also felt it is important to mention that along with DID, I have a learning disability so there are times I struggle to understand things or communicate what I'm trying to say. Likely harder at times from limited social interaction as well and societal norms making me...awkward not always picking up on meaning. I also don't know of understand expressions, turns of phrase, other many common things others know - please bear with me I'm learning, just slowly... about the whole world outside the one I was in. I try to let people know that so there's less possible misunderstandings I plan on sharing much more than this in the safer sections of this group - I'm very nervous about posting any of this knowing anyone could read it.

I really do need to feel heard and understood by someone, anyone. I feel like a complete outsider. Some days I feel like I can't stand it anymore mostly from being so alone in this with it weighing on me and feel so desperately lonely after experiencing things like I did. I needed to be free from it but I don't know how to live in that freedom. Hopefully I can start here.

[Serenity]

Hi and welcome, SpecialChild. I'm sorry for the reasons, but glad you are here.

With care,
Serenity

[dancingfish]

Wishing you a warm welcome, SpecialChild. What you say makes sense, and I hear you. Well done for sharing, too! It's not an easy task, but you did it. You deserve to be heard, although this can be alarming in itself. I'm still learning to share and not be frightened of that, too.

I love your grown seed metaphor, how lovely. :) It's okay if everything doesn't make sense, either. Everything right now is okay, and it's wonderful to have you here with us. :)

[SpecialChild]

Serenity, thank you for the welcome. Not great reasons to be here but I am at least.


Dancingfish, thank you! I'm glad someone liked that, I found it especially in depth for myself and perhaps anyone in a similar situation. For a bit of further context, it was said in a way as if we could strip away everything that happened and also my misuse of "engrained behaviors". With something like that occuring in my formative years, it'd be impossible to undo everything (in the hopes of having a better life) but also, not possible to take away everything without losing some - if not all - of myself. With my situation, it was so normalized on a daily basis and a foundation of who I am now, it's part of my "roots" like a tree. That doesn't mean I, and others, can't still grow beautiful potent flowers, green leaves and fresh fruit when the branches finish growing, the story hasn't finished yet! It would be a shame to try to wipe the wood clean and none of us can change the past.

I'm trying to type up my story but it is so long. I'm not even sure which section to put it under, it falls under incest, ritualized, repetitive, organized abuse and some of these definitions are scary enough to see let alone figure out applies to me. Is it even okay to post something large (it went on for years, can't possibly summarize)? I feel sort of selfish thinking of posting a huge life story however I realized no one can offer me support without understanding the situation fully. I can say if you're also learning to share as well, once I started typing it was like a dam burst suddenly. Knowing the admins here don't allow random people to read the other private sections made me feel more comfortable to open up whereas another place anyone could be lurking. I haven't done it yet but it's relieving to know I can. That might be helpful to you

[Harmony]

Hi Special Child,

You are so very welcome here at isurvive. I am sorry to say you are not alone with your type of up bringing. You can meet others who endured similar sorts of abuse in the section of our forum named Survivors of Ritual Abuse. Here is a link to this private area of our forum: viewforum.php?f=25

You were never given a choice. This is neither your fault nor cause for the serious harm done in your life. Still it is up to you to face the wreckage. There are therapists who specialize in these sorts of childhood hurts. They exist. There are good people out there.

Hope you find comfort here,
Harmony

[greendreamdays]

Hi Special,

Welcome to the forum. Your post nearly brought me to tears. I'm sorry for everything you went through. I have not been in a cult but I can relate to having difficulty picking apart what abuse and what wasn't and guessing at what "normal" looks like. I think you are amazing and I am so glad you and your system have found your way here. I hope find the support you need.

[SpecialChild]

Greendreamdays, thank you for the warm welcome! I'm sorry I nearly brought tears to your eyes and sorrier you can relate to the confusion of trying to navigate what's truly normal and abusive fake normal. It's frustrating and terrifying to analyze everything to figure out the difference, trusting others and yourself to know that difference and also to recognize true normalcy when all we have to compare to is abnormal abusive things to begin with! I don't have a concept of what others see as normal, for so many years I thought these things were common everyday activities other families were doing. I'm often second guessing myself, wondering if something I said or did was okay, trying to blindly feel around for a hold on what real life outside that environment is supposed to be. It's a completely alienating feeling, I'm very sorry you can relate to it. I can already see others here have experienced similar situations, that alone is comforting to me. Something I really struggled with is being asked "how did you not know that wasn't normal? How could you not know?" So this group is like a breath of fresh air! Thanks again to both you and Harmony for the welcome to Harmony a bit more specifically, I'd imagine that's my answer where my story would fit, in ritualized abuse - thanks for confirming that, I really wasn't too sure with incest also involved.

[Qwerty]

Specialchild,
Welcome. I want you to know you are not alone and that you are understood here. Your story sounds very familiar to parts of mine. Especially "not knowing is not normal. " Being groomed at such a young age strips away any societal norms one should have. As an old boss of mine once said "You can't know what you don't know until you know, then you finally know. "
A wordy way of saying you can't be held responsible for something you were never taught and therefore never learned.
You are not alone.

[SpecialChild]

Hi Qwerty, thank you. I'm so sorry we have these things in common, you're unfortunately right we have similarities. I try not to blame myself for not knowing better though it's a struggle with constant reminders in every day life. I'm sure it'll help knowing there are others who understand.

[walkingintherain]

Hi and welcome, SpecialChild. I'm sorry for the reasons, but glad you are here.

With care,
Serenity

Hi SpecialChild. I can hear you and relate but things don't make a lot of sense for me. I guess maybe I try to use logic where logic can not work because abuse is illogical and painful. I don't know, I don't dream anymore, I just have series of nightmares where the abuser is telling me what they are going to do to me and I feel as defenseless in the sleeping nightmare as I do in the waking non-dream time. It makes me feel afraid, nervous, upset, confused, searching in my mind 'what can I do to protect myself, I just don't know. Sometimes I just remember when I was around 5 and I was abandoned to the house all alone. My mother told me while I was playing with toys on the porch 'they were leaving and I was not to go into their bedroom, did I understand that? I did not turn to look at her but answered her yes. I tried to continue playing but the thought came to me that I was home alone and mommy has a monster hidden in the house. The hair on my neck and whereever else had to be standing on edge because I was scared to death of what mommy's monster would do to me. The anxiety was so great that I realised I wanted to find the monster before it found me. I had no idea what to do to the monster if I did find it but I did go in her room and searched everywhere and thankfully I did not find her monster but found something new to play with and had a lot of fun. However I was never able to ever sleep right away again so long as I lived in her house. Every single night for many years I had to thoroughly check my room to make sure no one was hiding and waiting to hurt me, then lock the door and then I could go to sleep. This finally stopped when I no longer lived with her. I am able to live in an apartment alone but I can not live in a house alone. When I have lived in a house with others I would sit near a doorway and wall and have the television on and feel fearful to go to any other room, just sit and wait for someone to come home. As soon as I saw car headlights coming in the driveway I immediately felt safe, turned off the television and was in bed before they came into the house. I just felt safe knowing they were home now and no one could hurt me now. A man had recently broke into my house a couple of months ago, I think it was in May. I was awoken by this noise early in the morning and when I opened my eyes this guy dressed in dark clothing was going through my drawers and taking things and I just was shocked and said 'oh God no' and he ran out of the house. I was shaking, nothing like it had ever happened before. I could not believe this violation and violence was being done. It was like new energy was given to mommy's monster, here it really was after all these years. Truley shocking and frightening. Horrible things have been done and are being done and I can't say why. I don't know, I really don't know. Yet I believe it has something to do with love and respect. If we are treated with love and respect than I think we are sort of wearing like a suit of armour and the bad that exists in the world can not harm us. I know that it is not absolutely a fact, but I am sure that being loved and respected is invaluable and does offer us some protection against those who would otherwise wish us harm.