Todays a struggle

[Pepe]

Realllly struggling with the want to self harm lately  more overwhelming than had been even at points i had worried it would be a harder struggle . I was able to fight it more and not struggle as bad to handle the wanting to self harm and fight to do everything to not. I havent at this point , still trying to keep from doing so , and try to figure out why all the sudden things that usually  help decrease  it or help distract me and add to the strength to not do it , seem to not do much at the moment,  scares me tho. I dont know whats wrong or whats changed , or if its cuz fighting with myself too on this roller-coaster Journey of trying to heal and trying to do self care more and love myself more.  Or if it is that half of me is tired and feels like its all pointless and in vain beacuse yes can change logic brain but doesnt change the feelings.  I feel myself trying  to isolate and shut down more too , im not sure what caused this huge panicky mode or if i amm reallllllllllly  that broken and unfixable,  then that brings up also how much life , people have shown me im not worth it, not enough not loved and all to much of how is my fault, ..... yet part of me still hopes and fights to prove wrong their truthless lies and the wrong they beaten into me for too long. I know the trap of if i give in and self harm , and yes i know id be madder at myself,  and would have to start over on how long has been. Im not good at this healing process,  or self love and being ok with it , i get that, but why

[Ermelina]

Dear Pepe,

thank you for sharing. I’m sending you lots of love and energies of support. Please know it’s okay to have these feelings and go through these struggles.

I’m sure you know as well as I do that healing isn’t a linear process. You’re doing the best you can and that’s enough. We can’t simply decide to love ourselves and be ok with what happened after what we’ve been through. It takes a lot of time and just when you think you had something figured out, you realize there’s still another layer that needs to be healed. Two steps forward, one step back means you're still making progress.

It’s not your fault and you’re not broken. You’re well on your way and it will get easier again.

I wish you a lot of strength to get through this difficult moment in the best possible way! You’re not alone.

Ermelina

[quixote]

Pepe,
Sometimes it's hard to figure out what changed. Just keep trying to heal everyday regardless of your progress.
quixote

[Qwerty]

What you are dealing with I call "The monster in the brain" the only way I have learned to deal with it is to purposely dissasociate with that voice, that urge. I literally tell myself, "This isn't me. I'm not listening. I won't let you hurt me. "
I know rit sounds strange, but really bad negative thoughts pop in my head as well. And it's really harmful to let them take hold. To even give them the chance to speak. With enough practice I've learned to shut them down right when they start.
I know of no other way to healthily deal with sh and su.
Standing up for myself against my own thoughts has become hugely empowering. Even though at first it's exhausting.