I am just a girl

[sumpuella]

Been sober now for 19 years. Some good days, and some difficult days. It’s as if each morning I wake and put on my invisible backpack of junk that I have collected over the years. I have been told by my sponsor that it’s time to put it down. It doesn’t belong to me anymore. It’s full of anger, hurt, distrust, disgust, humiliation and was given to me by my abusers. I feel like I have no voice. My needs go unanswered because I can’t speak them out. I’m 63 now and have a long colorful history of broken relationships. I’m afraid most days. I have security problems. I’ve been reading the forum to learn as my sponsor suggests and see myself everywhere. Thank you all for this. My secrets have kept me sick. I just want the girl who I am to heal, or at least find peace within my skin before my expiration date. Know what I mean?

[Harmony]

Wow sumpuella,

Excellent first post. You have just given the perfect definition of one's "baggage". I encourage you to set down that which you are carrying for others. We don't have to haul around other peoples "stuff" right? Our own misdeed, sorrows, lost opportunities are enough. Right?

Welcome to isurvive,
Harmony

[sumpuella]

Yes, I have made so many bad decisions over the course of my lifetime it’s a wonder I’m still above grass! Lol One would think that would be enough to carry. But, no. I keep stuff inside. Grooming and all. We are expected to keep silent and carry on. The solution evades me at this time. I’m reading through a text which is helping me understand the nature of my disfunction, but it’s overwhelming. I am going slow so I can maintain.

[Jonesy]

Hi sumpuella

A very warm welcome to isurvive - glad you found us

[greendreamdays]

Hi sumpuella, welcome to the forum! I am sometimes afraid that if I put down my heavy invisible backpack that I will forget what made me who I am and where I came from. I am not sure if that is true. But I imagine like anything it's a process and a practice of letting go over and over. It's heavy, but until you can put it down at least you don't have to carry it alone anymore.

[sumpuella]

Right now in my text I’m asked to identify the areas if my life that have been troubled by the abuse. I’m starting from the outside in because it is easier and less distracting. I’m single in spite of repetitive attempts because I seem to have a pattern of failure with intimacy. No one knows me because I cover up . The first little thing that goes wrong gives me pause and causes me to lose trust in the other person. Once this happens i withdraw, and then it’s just a matter of time for me to leave . I am either unwilling or unable to allow anyone to know the core of me. I’m dishonest but expect others to be honest with me. This is one example. I’m too afraid of being hurt to be honest.

[Qwerty]

Interesting thread. When I was 19 I knew a very good hypnotist. I asked him to erase my memories because I couldn't handle the pain any longer and he said he wouldn't because doing so would fundamentally change who I was as a person.
I was broken hearted at his response. Instead he helped me learn coping mechanisms and deal with my issues head on. He became a life long friend and its only because of him that I can sleep with the light off.
Fast forward in my life, I actually did end up with amnesia. I lost 75% of my past due to head trauma from a bad car accident.
I only have "core memories". Events that left scars or extreme happiness is all I remember. So he was right. I did change as a person.
Having lived with extremes my whole life I can offer you this. I am a better person after dropping the baggage. I changed. Yes. I am nicer. Kinder. Empathetic and patient.
The past me was an angry neurotic hot head.
I am not my old self, more like a butterfly that looks back at a caterpillar.
Letting go of the emotional mental ties to past abusers is the most freeing life changing things you can do. But it's not like a real life bag. You can't just drop it in a river and forget it.
You can't just tell someone to "Let it go." And then not show them how. It's a process and it different for everyone.

[sumpuella]

Thank you. I’ve just started the process and am willing to do the work. If I must live alone, then at some point I’ll need ( not want ) a sense of security, trust that I can manage and to maintain my sobriety. In AA there is s saying, “ let go and let God” which works for some issues of self will related to drinking, however it does not work for trauma. You are right. In fact “ letting go” for me has just been another way of lying, of pretending nothing is wrong, of further internalizing the humiliation and pain.
I have worked the 12 steps with my sponsor over the years to stay sober. I was self destructing and needed help to stay alive. Now with her help and this forum I can face the dragon which has fueled my alcoholism. This is a start. I’m grateful. Thank you all

[Qwerty]

I'm glad I can help. I thought of something huge this morning that may help you out.
Part of letting go is forgiveness but forgiveness may not be what you think it is.
Forgiveness is not abandoning an abusers crimes. THEY must still pay for it.
Forgiveness is not accepting someone in your life, who has hurt you.
Forgiveness doesnt entitle the forgiven to anything at all. No relationship, trust, or even to be told they are forgiven.
Forgiveness is the mental and soul process of realizing that your abusers were frail broken humans, albeit monsters, but that you will no longer let them control you.
My abusers are long dead. But the effects they had in my life was permanent. I can't un-paralyze myself. But I can chose to not repeat their mistakes and live for revenge, hatred and depression.
Forgiveness is choosing yourself and constantly working toward a better you, and letting God ( of your choice) and the universal Karma take care of the past.
I think of it in my mind as literally cutting the soul ties from my abusers to me with scissors. Visualize in your head a huge cord tieing you together from a great distance. Then cut that cord with your weapon of choice.
That's forgiveness. Then watch them float away into oblivion.
I like to remind Christians as well that Jesus didn't go into relationships with everyone He forgave. He had 12 guy friends and 3 women as friends. That's it. Everyone else he told to "Go. And sin no more. "In the gospel of John he even refused to go out to a crowd "and He did not trust Himself to them because he knew what was in their hearts. "

I'm glad you are here and I wish you the best. I have notifications on for this thread so, if your have any questions or just want to message back and forth I'll be here.
-Qwerty.

[sumpuella]

Thank you. I will think on this tonight. Forgiveness isn’t in my tool kit yet but I see the need for it. Right now I’m angry and am not ready to give it up. There are days where anger keeps me sick and others when it keeps me motivated. I am afraid to change. You mentioned being paralyzed.me too. I remember screaming inside and being unable to move. This remains a reoccurring problem for me. I’m still here though. Bless you. Gnight

I added a red button because I verbalized a response of abuse. It’s difficult to discuss but necessary for me to stay honest. I’m sorry