falling apart, need help

[Sherlocked]

Hello, back in early April, I had seen a homemade video depicting what was done to me and as one can imagine it was extremely re-traumatizing to see. After suffering a breakdown from seeing it and careful deciding I reported the video anonymously to be taken off the internet.I reported it to a federal agency.

I did a follow up last night, I figured it’s now June and I reported it back in April. It’s still on the internet! plus I found out that the rapist in it apparently had little prison time when he was originally sentenced.

I feel that I failed. I failed. I failed. I tried to report it to be taken down and yes I know that apparently it’s an older video and the rapist was given little jail time but I failed to have it taken down. I failed. It’s may fault it’s still on the web.

How can I become a crime scene investigator, a detective, a forensics technician if I cannot even get one video of a baby being harmed off the internet?!

As upset as I was last night, I didn’t relapse. I wanted to turn right away to one of my addictions. I didn’t but I wanted sooo bad to escape and numb myself to forget I saw that video again. Instead I left a lot for my therapist to study over.

I feel like a failure, I feel like a failure and angry at myself for wanting to stay anonymous when I originally reported it.
I failed.

[dancingfish]

You didn't fail, Sherlocked. You succeeded in reporting this despite the pain and suffering it brought to you. The people who have not responded to your request or are responsible for taking action are failing right now. For whatever reasons, but it's them - not dear, brave you.

Hearing you though that's it's difficult, and may feel like failure. Sitting with you quietly if you'd like some company. :)

[Sherlocked]

I’ve been doing ok but there’s still a feeling of I guess betrayal. I remember being on here and agonizing over whether to report that video and of course I did. To know it’s still there and had seen it again, it was like a feeling of failure.

There’s a part of me that wants to see it again to stupidly make sure I wasn’t making it up, there’s a part of me that is wants to go back over to porn to tune out, numb myself from what I saw. I don’t want to.