New here, dissociative

An area for new members to introduce themselves, as well as a place where all members can share concerns, questions or general posts.
Everyone is welcome here.

Moderators: Harmony, quixote, Jonesy

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meloncherry
Member
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun May 09, 2021 1:02 am

New here, dissociative

Post by meloncherry »

Apologies that this is a bit heavy for an intro post, but I don't hace access to therapy at the moment and I feel stuck where I am in my recovery. I've tried to join CSA survivor forums before and found the mods were all backwards about DID, so it's been a while since I got this far. I have a couple close friends who also have childhood trauma and they're a good support system, but I need something that they can't offer. That, and the nature of my trauma makes me feel so isolated.

I'm estranged from my entire family including my younger siblings because my abuser is my father. Lol I don't even want to finish this post. I intended to try and coherently describe my situation a little but I'm too tired. I guess I'm doubtful about whether joining a forum is going to be helpful for me. Idk. I know what I really need is a therapist I can't pay for. My insurance is through the medical company he works for so I can barely even go to the hospital for routine labs. He's a surgeon, so people have a pedophile's hands in their bodies cutting cancer out. It's ironic I guess.

I hope I'm his only victim. I have nightmares that his girlfriend is pregnant and I have to tell her if it's a girl that he'll assault her baby. My mom knows, and doesn't believe me or care because he's got money so she doesn't have to spend as much on my brothers' college. I don't get a cent from either of them other than being on my abuser's crap insurance.

I feel horrible all the time and I want that to stop. Can't erase that I was routinely assaulted by my dad as a toddler. Just want to scream at him. Every night my partner wakes me up because I'm screaming "no" or "he has pictures" or "i hate you" in my sleep. He did so many many many things to me. I live a few blocks from his house. I'm praying to move states away soon but that's up in the air. I can't survive where I am now but I have to.
Tryingtostayafloat
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Posts: 96
Joined: Wed Apr 07, 2021 6:08 pm

Re: New here, dissociative

Post by Tryingtostayafloat »

Hi Meloncherry,

I'm so sorry for everything you've had to endure and continue to endure. That never should have happened.

I'm here and I believe you. Well done for beginning your journey, its really not an easy one. I've still not started therapy and it can be hard feeling like you are in no man's land and noone around you really cares.
I've only been apart of I survive for a short time and already I can tell you every single member here cares and will be with you on your journey.
It's safe here and your safe now.

I really understand wanting to move away I'm in the process of trying to get as far away from this area I've grown up in, where my abuser is also high up in his career. I know and the police know I'm not the only one but 9 months later and he's still yet to be charged.
It makes me do angry that they get to continue their lives however they like, when I feel I stumble at every hurdle.

To me I try to focus on the fact I've broken the trauma cycle and I've scooped up my inner child and I'm keeping her safe now. She has me and I will protect her now.

Nightmares are hard and terrifying. I'm glad you have someone there to help you through the panic.
I really suffer with them too. Most of us do.
I've been reading about dreams and nightmares to help me before I meet a psychiatrist, I came across lucid dreaming and shadow work. It's helped me on my journey so far.

Be kind to yourself, none of this is your fault and I'm so glad your here now.
I thought my heart was failing
Hey you're ok, you seem to be still standing
Flashes appeared in the corner of my eyes, I saw the stars and I didn't ask why
Heard the voices and caught my breath
So close and yet so far from death
-Florence + the machine
Jonesy
Director
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Posts: 16140
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:44 pm

Re: New here, dissociative

Post by Jonesy »

Hi meloncherry

A very warm welcome to isurvive, glad you took the leap.
Check out this forum, it may be helpful to you viewforum.php?f=42
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
Serenity
Director
Director
Posts: 4147
Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2016 4:13 pm

Re: New here, dissociative

Post by Serenity »

Hi meloncherry, and welcome to isurvive. I'm sorry for the reasons, but glad you are here.

With care,
Serenity
quixote
Moderator
Moderator
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Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:14 am

Re: New here, dissociative

Post by quixote »

Hi meloncherry,
Welcome. If you feel isolated, this is a good place to be.
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