I'm new. This is my first post about myself

[OneThousandApologies]

I don't really know how much I should share..

I'll start with the easier stuff for me. I'm a survivor of all kinds of abuse. My mom was a drug addict and died when I was 4 because of it. My dad was an abusive alcoholic, he was physically, emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive everyday from when I was 5 until I was 11. It only stopped because he finally lost custody. I got bullied daily at school and only had a couple friends. My brother sexually abused me and raped me when I was 4 until I was 13. He stopped when he no longer had access to me. My other siblings made it known that I couldn't come to them for anything. So I never told a soul. When I finally spoke up a year after it stopped, no one believed me. They supported my brother, the abuser and pushed me to the side. I was used to being alone and only being able to depend on myself, but the first time I showed vulnerability, when I was 14, I was shut down hard. I never felt more alone. My depression got worse and I tried to end my life. I never had even a second of normalcy in my childhood. One thing after another with no time to catch my breath.

I share my life story with people. It's facts. It happened. I've accepted the abuse and trauma that I endured and I know it's my abusers fault, not mine. Well, 99% of it anyway. But I don't share how it's totally screwed me up as an adult. Most people don't understand. Which honestly, I'm glad most people don't understand, it usually means they never had to go through being abused. But it's difficult going through life feeling like your alone in everything. It's probably easier for me to share this part because I disassociate myself from what happened. And harder to share this next part because it's more real and personal.

Now the hard part for me. I have major trust issues. My immediate and extended family knows the bare minimum of my trauma. I still as an adult, can count all of my friends on one hand. One friend knows more about me then anyone but she doesn't understand fully, which is ok. She accepts me for who I am. Acceptance has been enough for a long time. But not anymore. My 30 years of life I've been only surviving. I wear many different masks depending on where I am or who I'm around. Everything I do is just to survive life. I don't know who I really am. I'm lost. I've bottled everything up for so long that I'm afraid to let it all out. I have major trust issues. I have no self worth or self esteem. I hate being touched in anyway. I have never been in a relationship and the thought of ever being in one is absolutely terrifying. I put on a front of being tough, strong, confident and fearless so no one sees the broken and damaged person that I am. I have complex PTSD, high anxiety, severe depression, acute stress disorder, I am hyper independent and I'm sure other things I'm not aware of. I am aware of most of the damage the abuse has done to me, I am aware of my Short comings because of it. I am aware of my current triggers as to there could be more triggers that I don't know of yet. A couple days ago I finally decided I'm done hiding and I'm done only living to survive. I want to actually start living. Better late then never right? But I'm still trying to figure out how to realistically achieve that goal and how to get through all of my baggage even if its painful. I don't want to be a hot mess anymore.

Sorry it's long, this is my first time being apart of any support group, I was afraid if I didn't put it all out there now, I'd lose my nerve.

[Chessgirl]

Welcome! That was a very brave thing to write. I have a lot of the same issues you have, CPTSD, anxiety, trust problems. I don’t have any friends atm because I had to let my last close one go recently when she became a bad influence. I sooo relate to what you said about being glad most people can’t understand but also feeling alone. I have this same problem. I connect much easier with other trauma survivors. I think that’s why I had so many addict/alcoholic friends for so long. They just understood my problems a little more. I’m sorry you experience this loneliness, but now you do have us here! Also someone told me here that it really is ok to not have any friends. We don’t need friends, we do need support but that’s where I survive should help tremendously. Thank you for joining us and sharing your experience! Wishing you peace and support and comfort.

[OneThousandApologies]

Chessgirl,
Thank you for your kind words. As much as it sucks that you have been through trauma as well, I'm relieved to know that I am not alone. I don't think that we need friends either, mainly support, but I am beyond blessed with the handful I do I have. It's nice that I don't have to explain why I don't want to hang out or talk sometimes or be forced to do stuff I don't want to do because the friendship would be in jeopardy. I wish everyone had friends like mine. I'm a handful and a master at pushing people away but they don't let me do that to them. I know what you mean when you say that you get along better with other survivors and had addicts and alcoholics as friends. I think that's why I got along so well with my other brother who was an addict, alcoholic and severe mental problems. I understood him and he understood me. I'd help him with his stuff because I knew what he was going through.
I am so glad I accidentally stumbled on isurvive. I've read through others posts before I shared mine, it gave me a sense of belonging and understanding and acceptance. And it might sound weird but a sense of a family who truly understands and don't have to hide who I am on here.

[Oceantide]

I'm glad you shared. I relate to many aspects of your experience. I think you'll find support here, and hope you feel a bit lighter after sharing with people who understand as few can.

[OneThousandApologies]

Oceanside,
Thank you! My anxiety was through the roof when I was writing it. But I definitely feel lighter after just posting this one post! I already feel at ease a little regardless how temporary that is.

[Crow]

Hi OneThousandApologies,

Welcome to isurvive.
You really have endured a lot of heartache, grief and trauma. You shouldn't have had to experience all of that.

A couple days ago I finally decided I'm done hiding and I'm done only living to survive. I want to actually start living. Better late then never right? But I'm still trying to figure out how to realistically achieve that goal and how to get through all of my baggage even if its painful. I don't want to be a hot mess anymore.

That is a great attitude and a huge step in the right direction. It'll be a hard road, but one we here have all started on. Some are a lot further down that road, and some are only just dipping their toes in the water. But no matter how tough it gets, there are people here who are listening and supporting you as you go.

Crow

[OneThousandApologies]

Crow,
Thank you for your reply!
I'm just starting my journey, I have no idea where I'm going but I love seeing those who are taking the first steps like I am and I love seeing those who have made amazing progress! I definitely don't feel alone in my journey though life anymore and I now know there's hope for me yet. I survive is amazing in general but it's the people on here that make it truly amazing!