Hi everyone
I'm new to the forum, and not sure if I belong. In the past, I've had a habit of telling other parts of my story, and leaving out the reason I'm here, because I don't think it's valid. In trying not to do that here, I'm going to lead with it, even though that feels weird.
Ten years ago, I had a flashback/body memory of sexual abuse by a family member. I know who...I recognized the person's voice and laugh. I know approximately how old I would have been (5 or younger) but I have no other context. Whose room was I in, mine or the other person's? Who else was around? Had it happened before? Did it happen again? There were no other details.
I have nothing except that flashback. It was vivid and visceral. It keeps repeating in my life. The presence and impact of the event feels very real, and has been constant for 10 years. But I've never quite believed myself. I was studying and reading a lot about trauma and trauma survivors at the time, because of what I was studying for a career change, and I managed to convince myself that my brain "made up" that flashback, because I was so steeped in info about trauma at the time. I keep telling myself that the person in question wouldn't do something like that, and if it really happened, I would have a fuller memory, more of the story, more than one incident.
The thing is though, if the memory is true and did happen, it makes so much make sense. I have certain behaviors and reactions that make total sense on a survivor of SA, but don't make much sense otherwise. Some of these were present and true before I had the flashback. Some others changed or intensified after I experienced that.
I worry that I just want the memory/flashback to be true, because if it is, it means I am not crazy, and my weird behavior/way of being in the world makes sense. I'm kind of afraid that if it's not true, I'm just really "messed up" to behave and react like I do. So maybe I just *want* it to be true for that reason.
Adding to the situation is:
My biological mother's father was severely physically and sexually abusive to her. When she was pregnant with me, she decided she didn't want to raise a baby in her abuser's house. So, I was adopted. My biological mother may also have been sexually assaulted while she was pregnant with me.
I think my adoptive mother was sexually abused by a family member when she was a child. She will not confirm, but she has hinted strongly. She was unwell (from a mental health perspective) for my entire childhood, and was emotionally abusive and not able to meet my emotional needs, especially as an adopted child.
I say all of this because I'm not sure if this trauma is mine. I'm curious about intergenerational trauma, and curious about sharing a body with a woman who had already survived extensive trauma before she wss pregnant with me, and may have been assaulted while she was pregnant with me. I'm curious about being raised by a woman with possible unaddressed sexual trauma, and definitely unaddressed mental health issues. I tell myself that my experiences and behaviors may be from that, and it's totally possible that the SA I "remember" didn't happen to me.
Lately, I have been having a lot of self-destructive urges, and intrusive thoughts. My most recurring intrusive thought is exactly what I saw/experienced in the flashback. I am able to keep safe, but it is daily work. I'm seeing my therapist a lot, but we both know that I need to find a new one. The one I have now is great, and I can say anything to her, but she's not specialized enough in trauma to help me sort this out.
I want to try EMDR for the flashback/intrusive thought, but it's hard to see that as valid. I just keep feeling that, as visceral as that experience was, I must be making it up.
Thank you for reading, and for allowing me to be here.
Edited because I felt uncomfortable about how I had characterized some past experiences.
New and unsure
Moderators: Harmony, quixote, Jonesy
New and unsure
Last edited by MerryRose on Tue Apr 27, 2021 8:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-
- Member
- Posts: 126
- Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:24 pm
Re: New and unsure
Hi MerryRose
Your story brought tears to my eyes. I can’t imagine the pain and stress not knowing where the memories are not coming from. I did not experience SA growing up, but here are a couple of things that might help you on your journey to heal.
I suspected CPTSD in myself and went to a therapist who specialized in PTSD and use of EMDR. we took all the most traumatic childhood memories I had and did an EMDR session on each one. A quick note. EMDR is suppose to take those isolated traumatic memories out of isolation so your brain can properly process them and put them to bed in long term memory so they don’t keep flashing back at you. I have to give my therapist and EMDR a great thanks. All of those traumatic memories are now just normal memories from the past. No more flashbacks. With I good therapist it might work well for you as well.
Second is a story about my daughter. When she was 3 1/2, my wife lost sight of her and what she was doing. She had gotten into the neighbors yard where there were two Japanese Akita’s. One male and one female. The female was in heat. The male assumed my daughter was a threat and attacked her. He stopped his attack when she passed out. She almost died and would have had she not passed out because he would have finished her. 144 stitches in her face and head. (Whew! it took 10 minutes of crying just to write that). Life went on, but she never lost her desire to want to be around dogs. She didn’t remember the attack happened. When she was about 8 years old, bed time and I was reading her a bedtime story. Can’t remember which one, but there was a dog in it who was hurting someone. My daughter looked at me and said, “That’s just like when PJ attacked me”. I was trying to hold the tears back and ask her if she remembered that and she said yes. She described the entire event in detail of everything that happened. Wow! That was tough for me to write. Why this story. Our brains have a way of protecting us from traumatic events that are too traumatic for us to handle. They are still in our memory files, but only our subconscious can see them. That where some flashback come from. Your problem is you are aware of the memory, but you don’t know what to attach it to. Yourself or someone else. If you are truly going to solve the mystery, you need to make sure you have great support from a therapist/doctor who can be there so when it all comes out, you are not dealing with it alone. It could be even more traumatic to know the truth, but once you do, you will be able to heal and move on.
I wish you well on your journey and hope you find the answers.
Eagle
Your story brought tears to my eyes. I can’t imagine the pain and stress not knowing where the memories are not coming from. I did not experience SA growing up, but here are a couple of things that might help you on your journey to heal.
I suspected CPTSD in myself and went to a therapist who specialized in PTSD and use of EMDR. we took all the most traumatic childhood memories I had and did an EMDR session on each one. A quick note. EMDR is suppose to take those isolated traumatic memories out of isolation so your brain can properly process them and put them to bed in long term memory so they don’t keep flashing back at you. I have to give my therapist and EMDR a great thanks. All of those traumatic memories are now just normal memories from the past. No more flashbacks. With I good therapist it might work well for you as well.
Second is a story about my daughter. When she was 3 1/2, my wife lost sight of her and what she was doing. She had gotten into the neighbors yard where there were two Japanese Akita’s. One male and one female. The female was in heat. The male assumed my daughter was a threat and attacked her. He stopped his attack when she passed out. She almost died and would have had she not passed out because he would have finished her. 144 stitches in her face and head. (Whew! it took 10 minutes of crying just to write that). Life went on, but she never lost her desire to want to be around dogs. She didn’t remember the attack happened. When she was about 8 years old, bed time and I was reading her a bedtime story. Can’t remember which one, but there was a dog in it who was hurting someone. My daughter looked at me and said, “That’s just like when PJ attacked me”. I was trying to hold the tears back and ask her if she remembered that and she said yes. She described the entire event in detail of everything that happened. Wow! That was tough for me to write. Why this story. Our brains have a way of protecting us from traumatic events that are too traumatic for us to handle. They are still in our memory files, but only our subconscious can see them. That where some flashback come from. Your problem is you are aware of the memory, but you don’t know what to attach it to. Yourself or someone else. If you are truly going to solve the mystery, you need to make sure you have great support from a therapist/doctor who can be there so when it all comes out, you are not dealing with it alone. It could be even more traumatic to know the truth, but once you do, you will be able to heal and move on.
I wish you well on your journey and hope you find the answers.
Eagle
-
- Member
- Posts: 126
- Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:24 pm
Re: New and unsure
MerryRose
Sorry, I had so many tears in my eyes writing about my daughter, I forgot to write down the whole point of the story. The doctors said that as time went by, her brain finally decided that the memory of that event was no longer a threat to her anymore and it opened it up to her conscious mind where she could see it. They said that happened because she felt safe and she wouldn’t get hurt again from it anymore. Your brain may be protecting you the same way.
Eagle
Sorry, I had so many tears in my eyes writing about my daughter, I forgot to write down the whole point of the story. The doctors said that as time went by, her brain finally decided that the memory of that event was no longer a threat to her anymore and it opened it up to her conscious mind where she could see it. They said that happened because she felt safe and she wouldn’t get hurt again from it anymore. Your brain may be protecting you the same way.
Eagle
Re: New and unsure
Eagle, thank you for your kind welcome and validation.
I am so sorry to hear what happened to your daughter. I'm very glad that she is OK now. That must have been terrifying.
Thank you for what you said about the memory. I feel like I'm always tormenting myself wondering if it's true. On the one hand, it really would explain so much about my life...even the way I behaved when I was a child. But certainly many of my adult choices and behaviors.
But I keep telling myself if it were true, I would know. If it were true, I'd remember more. I'd have context. It would be definite. I would *know.*
I know that's not how traumatic memory works, but that's the standard I hold myself to.
I have so much I want to say here. There is so much I've been carrying in shame, and not able to say to anyone except my therapist. But I worry about saying it here. I feel like an imposter. I feel like people here have stories that they know are theirs, and they need support. I have a flashback of less then 10 seconds, that I don't even know if it's true, or mine.
But it won't bloody go away. It will not leave me alone. I spend whole days on it, sometimes
I have work to do. And I process all my stuff by writing or speaking it. So here I am. And I'm sure these won't be my only posts today.
Thanks again.
I am so sorry to hear what happened to your daughter. I'm very glad that she is OK now. That must have been terrifying.
Thank you for what you said about the memory. I feel like I'm always tormenting myself wondering if it's true. On the one hand, it really would explain so much about my life...even the way I behaved when I was a child. But certainly many of my adult choices and behaviors.
But I keep telling myself if it were true, I would know. If it were true, I'd remember more. I'd have context. It would be definite. I would *know.*
I know that's not how traumatic memory works, but that's the standard I hold myself to.
I have so much I want to say here. There is so much I've been carrying in shame, and not able to say to anyone except my therapist. But I worry about saying it here. I feel like an imposter. I feel like people here have stories that they know are theirs, and they need support. I have a flashback of less then 10 seconds, that I don't even know if it's true, or mine.
But it won't bloody go away. It will not leave me alone. I spend whole days on it, sometimes
I have work to do. And I process all my stuff by writing or speaking it. So here I am. And I'm sure these won't be my only posts today.
Thanks again.
-
- Member
- Posts: 1434
- Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm
Re: New and unsure
Hi MerryRose,
Welcome to isurvive. You very much belong here and I believe you. I also understand what you are saying and why you feel like an imposter, however, there are many people here who either are in your current situation trying to recover or piece together memories, or who have been there and are now further along their journey.
Please write whatever you need to. Please don't compare stories either - I did that when I joined and it didn't take long for some lovely people here to remind me that my own pain and experiences matter, and are as vaid as anyone else's.
This is a safe place to be, and I'm sure you'll find plenty of help and support in working through this time and memories.
Crow
Welcome to isurvive. You very much belong here and I believe you. I also understand what you are saying and why you feel like an imposter, however, there are many people here who either are in your current situation trying to recover or piece together memories, or who have been there and are now further along their journey.
Please write whatever you need to. Please don't compare stories either - I did that when I joined and it didn't take long for some lovely people here to remind me that my own pain and experiences matter, and are as vaid as anyone else's.
This is a safe place to be, and I'm sure you'll find plenty of help and support in working through this time and memories.
Crow
A little boy hides in an adult's disguise.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
Quote taken from an original poem that I have written.
-
- Member
- Posts: 126
- Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:24 pm
Re: New and unsure
MerryRose
Thank you for your comments on my daughter. You are right that she is okay now and having a great life.
I agree with what Crow said that the situation you are in is common here for many of us. We all came here searching for help, understanding and answers. You are with others here who understand your journey. Stay strong and you will find your answers.
Eagle
Thank you for your comments on my daughter. You are right that she is okay now and having a great life.
I agree with what Crow said that the situation you are in is common here for many of us. We all came here searching for help, understanding and answers. You are with others here who understand your journey. Stay strong and you will find your answers.
Eagle